Just Startin' Out

Midnight and the Meaning of Love

2011-06-26T11:30:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading Midnight: And the Meaning of Love, the second installment to the Midnight book series by Sister Souljah. I have to first of all say, much love to Sister Souljah for her travels in writing this book. She had my full attention through the entire book as I not only continued to love Midnight, because lets be honest, I loved him from The Coldest Winter Ever, but I also received an education. Through the eyes of Midnight and Souljah's words I was taken to Japan and Korea without having to leave my sofa. I learned so much about the Japanese and the Korean cultures and people.

As we left off in the last book with Akemi's capture, Midnight is determined to find his wife. He traveled 7,000 miles to go find her. He traveled to the unknown. He is a young man who definitely loves real hard. A man in love goes after what he wants with no questions asked. The way he remains discreet, protective, and silent makes you have nothing but respect for him.

The love he has for the women in his life touches my heart in a major way. Every single man and woman needs to go out and read this book. I had to keep reminding my 27 year old mind that this is a teenager who is loving so hard. This young man went through so much in the this book, and only he said it best when he returned to Brooklyn that he his now a man in full. If you thought he was mature and an adult before, he went through so much. My fear for him, and for Souljah's next book, c'mon you have to give us more, is that he has so much to protect now. I just got married last year and started reading prayer books. I've been praying about my husband and his protection from the out side world. I've been praying not only to protect him, but our marriage from the outside. There are so many temptations, and Midnight is well aware of all of them. Even in the end as he's headed back to Brooklyn from Korea, he had to get his mind right. The US is no joke. I'm happy though that Souljah allowed us to see his vulnerable side when he was with his wife. And even as he fell in love with Chiasa and made her his second wife. I knew the whole time that he was loving that girl. And it was all so subtle the things he loved about her. He knew it too. And now he has to protect his women. His Umma, his sister Naja, and his wives.

As a woman, we have no idea how hard it is for the men to protect and take care of us. Even Bangs, who didn't understand why Midnight wanted her to not "show off" as much. Young ladies need to learn how to protect themselves by not being so "out there" until a man comes to protect them. Especially women who are without fathers. I know this may sound sexist, and not my higher self because as an independent woman, I know its difficult to think of a man being the only one in charge of you. But that is the problem with our African American society. We women don't know that you need to be submissive. You need to let you man be a man. And listen to him. And know that he is the one who will protect you. And be able to trust him. In the same breath I know it is inherent in what we've observed in our families and the men in our lives that perhaps they can't be trusted. And perhaps we women have to take control because they won't. It is something that my husband and I have struggled with. But this is just our first year of marriage, and I have become more submissive. After reading this book, I see that Midnight's women trust him and love him. They allow him to take control. That is why he is so happy. His wives changed everything about themselves just about to be with him. They changed the way they dressed, by still keeping some of their personal style, but in their respect for him, they did it willingly. When I seen how much struggle it took Bangs to change for him, even though she did it, and how easy it was for his wives to change, it showed the major difference between African American women.

It would be easier for us to unite as a race if we could submit to the men in our lives. To respect them, and ourselves more by not dressing like hos or hoochies out in the streets. A man can and will respect you more if you cover up. I think Midnight, who never seemed interested in American women because of how "easy" they were knew that he could have never married Bangs or any other American woman for that matter. I see now that him and Winter could have never been together, as much as I wanted him for her. I wanted him for her then because she wanted him so badly. But Midnight would have never went for her. She reminded him too much of Bangs. When he was younger he couldn't control his "manhood" around Bangs, but through discipline and prayer I'm sure, he was much more able to control himself around Winter without even looking her direction. I would like to think that every man could control himself like that. I would like to think that even if a girl walked by naked, he wouldn't even turn to look out of respect for himself and her. But women don't respect or love them selves that much. Especially a woman like Bangs, trying to trap Midnight. She knew exactly what he was doing. And he knew he had love for her, but she could never be his wife. That goes for all the women waiting for a ring. You have to read this book.

I already know that Souljah is going to do another one. She not only has much love for Midnight, and his loves but she also loves her fans. We are keeping this story going, so please go pick up a book. And if you can't afford one, pass it around. I'll send you mine!

JB Rossi

"SWERVE" - The Award Winning Short Film Gets A Limited Los Angeles Theatrical Release

2010-09-22T19:51:00.000-07:00

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE...

ALTERED STATE ENTERTAINMENT, LLC IS PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THE LIMITED
THEATRICAL RELEASE OF THEIR AWARD WINNING SHORT FILM “SWERVE”.

Los Angeles, September 20, 2010 - Altered State Entertainment, LLC is proud to announce that SWERVE, award-winning filmmaker, Brendan Gabriel Murphy’s high-concept, dramatic short film will be getting a limited theatrical release for Academy consideration this Tuesday - Thursday, September 21st - 23rd at the AMC Loews Broadway 4 located at 1441 Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica, CA. (Showtimes: 12:15pm & 1:00pm)

SWERVE‘s story is set in a deserted “middle of nowhere” Midwestern town, and takes place at the last stop at the edge of the world. While abstractly exploring complicated issues of fate, reality and chance, SWERVE presents a narrative tale examining the intricacies of the human condition.

The 15-minute dramatic short film, shot in the Victorville California desert was produced by Brendan’s partner Michael D. Lynch and shot by his cinematographer brother Kieran Murphy. Elliot Slutsky and Scott Kennedy of Wanted Entertainment, Corp. are the distribution company behind the release.

SWERVE features an assemble cast starring: Shiloh Fernandez (Red Riding Hood, Cadillac Records, Skateland, United States Of Tara), Juno Temple (The Three Musketeers, Atonement, Year One, Greenberg), Noah Segan (Brick, The Brothers Bloom, Deadgirl, House M.D.), Shannon Lucio (True Blood, Grey’s Anatomy, The OC, Prison Break) and Chris Ashworth (The Wire, Terminator Salvation, Without A Trace).

Brendan Gabriel Murphy’s SWERVE will thrill audiences around the globe touring the Film Festival Circuit this 2010/11. The film has recently won awards for “Best Narrative” at the HollyShorts International Film Festival, “Best Short Film” & “Best Art Direction” at the Action On Film International Film Festival and “Best Film USA” at the International Film Festival Of Ireland. The film is also an “Official Selection” of the Palm Springs International Shortsfest and the 46th Chicago International Film Festival. SWERVE has also been picked up for Global Distribution by the elite Paris, France based distribution company, Premium Films. Italian Television and NBC Poland have recently bought SWERVE to air on television later this year.

For all press or screening inquiries please contact: swervethefilm@gmail.com Or call: bus 818-508-0521 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 818-508-0521 end_of_the_skype_highlighting / website: www.swervethefilm.com 2010 15 minutes US color 2:35:1 aspect ratio not rated

*SWERVE TRAILER:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvpUVKwyJGU

Sex and the City 2

2010-05-31T11:27:00.001-07:00

It is no secret that I am a huge fan of the SATC series and movie, just read by blogs from 2008. I saw the sequel last night with my girlfriends and was sadly a little disappointed. The fashions were from out of this world. Patricia Field did an amazing job, as usual. Funniest fashion scene was when Samantha was on the red carpet supporting Smith Jerrod's new film, and teen queen Miley Cyrus had on the same outfit. Personally, I don't think Mily Cyrus should have been in that outfit, it was much more suitable for Samantha, even though she thought she was too old to wear such a thing.

The story line was pretty boring though. It just seemed like a long episode and not big screen worthy. I could have just stayed home and watched it on HBO. I feel like they tried to kick up the drama a little after the last movie, but most of the drama in this film was super exaggerated and a little unnecessary. Miranda had drama at work with a new boss who disrespected her, and she just gave up. She quit?! I don't get it, the old Miranda would have just stuck to her guns and fought back until she won, but instead she left her job, the one that she loved and fought to make partner at in the series. I think they could have shown more about that, but we are to just assume that she has struggled for some time with her new boss, and she reached the point of being fed up.

Charlotte's little drama was being concerned with her new live in nanny, which I don't understand why should even has one. She doesn't work, and she waiting her whole life to have children, and the first chance she gets she hires some Swedish babe who wears no bra around her husband and children. I am disapointed in Charlotte, but I suppose she had to do it to fit in to the upper east side society standard where the nanny takes care of the children and not the out of work mother. I thought SATC was to empower women a little more, but that is just me.

Samantha was still as funny as ever, and we witness her battling menopause, hot flashes and a lost of a sex drive, which is unusual for her. She is taking pills, and is sort of reminiscent of someone's grandmother with the daily pill box reminder. She is definitely embraces her age, by telling a store clerk she is 52, yet she tries to escape what all comes with being 52. She gets in trouble when the girls are in the Middle East by doing what she does best, being sexy and doing what is only natural to her. I was surprised to see Smith Jerrod, but glad they are still close and remained friends. After all she did rise him to fame, and rise him on many other occasions too.

Carrie's situation within itself is something that I have been dealing with. The ole' husband on the couch watching television, orders take out or take in, and never really wants to go anywhere situation. She struggles with being an actual wife and not being out there chasing men and being chased by them. You can tell she misses her whole life the freedom of coming and going, which is evident when Carrie goes to stay at her old apartment. Big misses their old life too, and I don't think they knew exactly what they were getting when they signed up for marriage.

I think people try so hard to impose their views of marriage and their own personal touches that newly married couples are confused. But as she always does Carrie puts her own spin on the marriage situation. She doesn't take it seriously. She writes a sattire on marriage, and is scrunized for not taking the committment serious enough. Carrie and Big like to come up with their own rules, which is what I believe people should do. You can not base your life on what other people want from you. Each marriage, like each individual, has its own personality. There are things that people will never understand about it, but they are not meant to. Marriage is personal and should only be understood by the people in it.

As for Carrie's alleged infidelity with Aiden, it seemed to be unnecessary. I don't like the fact that they brought him back, and the way he was brought back either. The commercials and promos for the film lead the audience to believe that something serious happens between the two of them, and that Big should be worried and/or threatened. I guess for all the Aiden fans, they were happy to see him come back. But Carrie is married to Big. You can't support her getting back with Aiden. Aiden and Carrie's story in my mind ended so long ago. Big is her soul mate and he is the one she is meant to be with. Even Carrie toys with the idea that for some reason she is meant to be with Aiden, but in the end she needs to remain with her husband.

All and all the fashions were great, the story line is a little crazy at times and completely out there. The girls look faboulous, and so do the boys. Do I really think they should make a 3rd one? Absolutely not. Let's leave it alone at this point.

Black Marriage

2010-04-18T11:31:00.000-07:00

In the May 2010 issue of Essence Magazine, a panel discussion about Why Don't We Get Married? examines successful single men and women on why black people don't get married. As someone who is engaged I don't understand why there are not more married black people. In examining my own family, besides my grandparents, only two of my family members is married. My mom has 6 brothers and sisters, none of which are married, and their children, my older cousins, are not married either. The area that I happen to live in has more single people than other areas in Los Angeles. I have been trying to figure out why studies say that black people don't get married.

There are a lot of children born out of wedlock in the black community, babies having babies and other women ending up pregnant and left with no ring on their finger. According to the article, the Journal for Marriage and the Family found 77% of black adults ages 19 to 35 said they wished to get married, so why don't they? It seems like black people want to be married and according to the article, we take marriage more seriously than our white counterparts. There are many reasons why blacks don't marry. Financial reasons, the expense of a wedding is huge. The lack of commitment from men and women. The men on the down low. The lack of support from family members. The success rate of men vs. women. The list is endless.

After slavery the black family was broken and it was hard to restore it. The sons were all grown up, and had no need to respect their fathers and mothers anymore. The black man was so broken down and made to be the weakest link in the family, that possibly shame kept him from stepping back up to be the man. However in the 50's and 60's, the time of civil rights for blacks, the family was whole again. There were more married black couples then than their are now. I think location has a lot to do with it too. I live in California, where the divorce rates are the highest in the nation. My family in the south is all married with their families, and seem to be very happy. How do we get those southern family values out here in the west?

Nowadays women seem to expect so much more from their men than they did before during the civil rights movement. If they just had a job, it was enough, but now it is a lot harder for black men. Additionally there are not that many black men who are faithful to their wives, nor do they want to be faithful. The rate of successful black women, i.e., Tyra Banks, Oprah Winfrey, Halle Berry etc... are all single, unmarried. How can they find men who are equal to them? Forget about exceeding what they have done or where they have been, just equal. Black women surpass black men in just about every aspect of life. When I was in college, all of my black studies courses where filled with mostly women.

It is hard for me even though I am getting married, but I don't feel full support from my father. I know he is try his best, and my fiance and I have tried to make this wedding as inexpensive as possible, yet my father still complains. When a white woman gets married, or jewish, or greek or italian, doesn't even matter, their fathers are there to pay every step of the way. They may complain and put up a fight, by they are still there to help out and support. I don't feel all of that from my father. He offers help and advice, but I don't see it. We are less than 5 months away and I am trying to remain positive, but I don't know what will happen. I wish he could be as happy and supportive as my fiance's parents. What makes black women and men want to marry if they don't even have the support of their parents. How can we keep up with our white counterparts if we are not even close in numbers to being married?

Movies like Why Did I Get Married Too? show the struggles that black successful couples can have. Cheating, lying, disrespecting one another. Although it is a comedy, that does not show positive married black people. As much as I enjoyed the movie, I was a little sad afterwards, because of our portrayal on the big screen. As much as I enjoy supporting black movies, I couldn't help but wonder if black married couples really do go through those struggles and pains. And why do we get married? Maybe the population has it right to stay single, and make money and not worry about moving forward and back together. Marriage is just a title, and we can stay married to our lifestyles and work careers, and not each other. Men and women don't respect each other as is. There are no positive black married couples. Our media examples have divorced due to cheating, not being able to provide, gold digging women and men and just overall no respect for the fact that they are married. Marriage is hard work, and it is not easy. Perhaps it is a lack of God in their lives to keep them focused. Who knows? Why don't we get married?

The Black Man Pt. 1

2010-04-15T20:06:00.001-07:00

There are so many different aspects of the black man. Some make think I am not the right person to be able to give opinion on the black man. My future husband is half Italian and half Scottish. Just because I am not dating one, doesn't mean I don't know anything about him. My observations and opinions are based on what I've learned in school, The Black Male class, taught by a black male. My conjectures are also based on the many black men in my life. I will start with my grandfather. He is one of the greatest black men that I know, yet he, like many people, has his down falls. I did an interview with him a few years back, because I wanted to know about him. I wanted to know what his 85 years have seen. I wanted to think like he thought and know what he knew. My grandfather was born in Baton Rouge, Louisana. He hated where he lived because of the racism. My grandfather has dark skin, almost black blue. He is tall and speaks loud with authority. He left his hometown when he was just a teenager because he couldn't stand the yessir and yes ma'am and the mistreatment of his people. He did not stay to fight or become an activist like the late Dr. King or Malcolm X. He did not stand up for himself or his family against the people that brought him pain and agony. He simply left.

Why would a man just leave his family behind? Why would a man just escape from the things he feared? This escape from his reality could it be linked to what his ancestors went through. During slavery the black man could not just escape. He had to stay and be chained and work hard for his master. I suppose he left because he could. He really did not have to stay. He made a choice to hitch hike, at 16 years old, to California. He ended up in Watts, California. What he did during his teenage years was any and everything to make money. He painted houses, he painted pictures for people. He worked to fix houses up, fix up people's yards. Anything people needed so he can make money. He had to take care of himself.

The black man is usually good a providing for himself. He makes sure his clothes are fly, I'm talking about nowadays, he makes sure his shoes are right, his car, his hair and that he is up on the latest everything. I never understood why that was so much more important to the black men. My peers in high school were more concerned with all of that stuff than their education. How hard they worked for what they had is questionable. What makes a man go from caring about the stupidest things in life? My grandfather worked hard for his own personal survival. The slave worked hard for his personal survival and for that of his family. What could have happened in between all those years for things to change. Is the black man selfish? Did slavery force him to be selfish?

In observing my own family and other black men that I have dated, I noticed their closeness to their mother. My uncles are lucky that their father has always been there in their lives. Many men and many women are usually missing their fathers. In order to study and figure this out, I have to view the black men in all is glory. As a young boy, as a young child in to adulthood and then father hood. The black man fascinates me so much but he never surprises me. I feel as if I can tell what he will do based on his situation. And maybe this is true of all men. I don't know. The mother is the one who raises the family and watches them grow from inside of her belly to full grown adulthood. The man is the only who is supposed to maintain the structure in the household. He maintains the focus, the logic and the safety that the family needs. Maybe over time the black man lost this knowing because of the many years of slavery and oppression. He did not get a chance to live up to his white counterparts in so many aspects of family life and career life. Now I am not trying to generalize all men, so you can not take any of this personal. I need to understand my self, my surroundings, my father and the men and women in my life. In order to do this I have to analyze and break down what has happened to our culture. Our generation and our black men. The black man should have been our hero. Some believe Obama is that hero that we need. He is a family man, with a high respected career, heck he is our President. Yet he does not get the respect he deserves by the media or by many of his peers. The oppression continues.

Forgive me for ranting but I must get my thoughts out somewhere.

~ JB

The Black Family

2010-04-11T11:24:00.000-07:00

Recently I have been debating going back to school for a sociology degree. I want to focus on the black family. This blog seems like a good place to start my research and get some ideas out there. Starting with my own family is the perfect example for me as well. I am not exactly sure how these things go, but I know that I took plenty of classes while obtaining my Journalism degree, to know something about the black family. Besides just being black myself, I learned how slavery broke down the black family's dynamic. I also took classes on the black male, the black child and the black female. All of whom play a major role in the black family. It is interesting to me why there are so many disparities between black people's income, jobs and family involvement. We are most definitely the ultimate extremes.

You have the successful black man who is out there working, he has a great job, making probably $100,000 a year or more. This man has a wife, a beautiful black queen, 2.5 children and they have a house with a white picket fence. The whole nine yards. He is living the American Dream. And then you have the black man who has nine children, all from different women, no wife, no job and he can barely take care of himself. He is sleeping on different people's couches, and has no idea where is children are. How can there be such a huge gap between the two of them?

In the Hispanic or Latin families, many of them are in the same situation. Asians, Jewish families, all the same. I know that each family has their own problem children, who will never move out of their parents house, but for the most part other nationalities do not have such a huge disparity between families. How can people who were for the most part raised in the same household come out so different? There are many factors that can determine how this happened. I would like to study these factors and family members to better understand. The easiest way for me to do this is to break down each person in my own family. I can only start by studying my own, and then work on studying others.

In addition to my research and recordings being listed here, I am also working on many other things. I may not be able to update this blog as frequently as I would like. I will just briefly tell you, I am getting married this August, I am working on a book, and I am working on my Dear Daddy letters. If you need more information about the book, and my letter writing, you can view previous blogs where I have talked about this.

Let me start by recording, based solely on memory, what I have learned about the black family. We have been broken down to nothing. During slavery when the black men was separately by his wife and children to work for another man, a white man, he could no longer provide for his family. He began working for the white family. His sole purpose was to provide for the white family, and not for his own anymore. Some men take this to heart, and believe they should not work for any white man ever, hence the huge unemployment rate among black men nowadays.

Secondly, during slavery, the black men had to deal with his wife, his queen, his prized possession being raped and beaten by the white man. Imagine the one you love being taken from you and forced to fuck another man. That broke the black man down even more. Not only did he have to provide for a family who was not his own, now he has to deal with his wife being soiled by another man. All of the power is now in the white man's hands. The men that took this to heart have since turned to other men for sex and love or they have taken a white woman for themselves. This has left many black women searching for love, and for the ones who would like to marry a black men, no dice. Hence the huge number of unmarried black women nowadays.

Lastly, the black child, he now does not have a black male role model since his father has been taken away from him. He has no place to turn. His role models include the uneducated, the slave masters who do not look like him, and himself. The most important person in any family is first the father. Men do not realize how strong and important their roles are in the family dynamic. Without the proper family male role model, these young black men do not know where to turn. They view the white man who is raping their women as the powerful men they should be. Hence the men who sleep around, are not fathers to their children, and the greedy power hungry black men of nowadays.

These are just a few of the things that have kept our people down. And even though we have a black president, our people as a whole are not surviving as well as we should be.

~ JB

Interracial couple denied marriage license in La.

2009-10-15T22:49:00.001-07:00

By MARY FOSTER, Associated Press Writer Mary Foster, Associated Press Writer – 1 hr 42 mins ago

NEW ORLEANS – A white Louisiana justice of the peace said he refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have.

Keith Bardwell, justice of the peace in Tangipahoa Parish, says it is his experience that most interracial marriages do not last long.

"I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way," Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. "I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else."

Bardwell said he asks everyone who calls about marriage if they are a mixed race couple. If they are, he does not marry them, he said.

Bardwell said he has discussed the topic with blacks and whites, along with witnessing some interracial marriages. He came to the conclusion that most of black society does not readily accept offspring of such relationships, and neither does white society, he said.

"There is a problem with both groups accepting a child from such a marriage," Bardwell said. "I think those children suffer and I won't help put them through it."

If he did an interracial marriage for one couple, he must do the same for all, he said.

"I try to treat everyone equally," he said.

Bardwell estimates that he has refused to marry about four couples during his career, all in the past 2 1/2 years.

Beth Humphrey, 30, and 32-year-old Terence McKay, both of Hammond, say they will consult the U.S. Justice Department about filing a discrimination complaint.

Humphrey, an account manager for a marketing firm, said she and McKay, a welder, just returned to Louisiana. She is white and he is black. She plans to enroll in the University of New Orleans to pursue a masters degree in minority politics.

"That was one thing that made this so unbelievable," she said. "It's not something you expect in this day and age."

Humphrey said she called Bardwell on Oct. 6 to inquire about getting a marriage license signed. She says Bardwell's wife told her that Bardwell will not sign marriage licenses for interracial couples. Bardwell suggested the couple go to another justice of the peace in the parish who agreed to marry them.

"We are looking forward to having children," Humphrey said. "And all our friends and co-workers have been very supportive. Except for this, we're typical happy newlyweds."

"It is really astonishing and disappointing to see this come up in 2009," said American Civil Liberties Union of Louisiana attorney Katie Schwartzmann. She said the Supreme Court ruled in 1967 "that the government cannot tell people who they can and cannot marry."

The ACLU sent a letter to the Louisiana Judiciary Committee, which oversees the state justices of the peace, asking them to investigate Bardwell and recommending "the most severe sanctions available, because such blatant bigotry poses a substantial threat of serious harm to the administration of justice."

"He knew he was breaking the law, but continued to do it," Schwartzmann said.

According to the clerk of court's office, application for a marriage license must be made three days before the ceremony because there is a 72-hour waiting period. The applicants are asked if they have previously been married. If so, they must show how the marriage ended, such as divorce.

Other than that, all they need is a birth certificate and Social Security card.

The license fee is $35, and the license must be signed by a Louisiana minister, justice of the peace or judge. The original is returned to the clerk's office.

"I've been a justice of the peace for 34 years and I don't think I've mistreated anybody," Bardwell said. "I've made some mistakes, but you have too. I didn't tell this couple they couldn't get married. I just told them I wouldn't do it."

Kandi Burress fiance killed; A.J. Jewell, former flame of 'Real Housewives' star, slain in fight Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/

2009-10-03T16:11:00.000-07:00

Tragedy visited "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" when an ex-fiancé of a star of the reality show was killed in a fight outside his Georgia strip club.

Kandi Burruss, the newest member of the hit Bravo show, posted on her Twitter page about Ashley (A.J.) Jewell's death and asked for prayers for his six children.

"I could never in a million years imagine this happening," posted Burruss, a former member of the R&B group Xscape.

"im just in one of those moods where i dont wanna talk," she posted early this morning.

"i dont wanna b held & told its gonna b ok. i just wanna cry myself 2 sleep, alone," she wrote.

Jewell, who made several appearances with Burruss on the show, suffered massive head injuries during a fight late Friday outside the Body Tap Club in Atlanta, according to police.

Police arrested Fredrick Richardson hours later and charged him with voluntary manslaughter, officials said. Witnesses told Atlanta police Jewell fought with Richardson outside the skin palace.

Richardson also was injured in the fight but will be charged once he is released from Grady Memorial Hospital. A spokesman for the Atlanta cops said it was not clear what prompted the brawl.

"I adored A.J. [and] he will definitely be missed," Housewives castmate Kim Zolciak told the Atlanta Journal Constitution.

"I'll be there for my dear friend Kandi," said Zolciak, who called the killing "disgusting." "I can't imagine the loss they're feeling."

Jewell was co-owner of the Body Tap, which opened in March 2008 and claims on its MySpace page that it offers $5 lap dances and draws "the sexiest ladies from all over."

Burruss, 33, joined the reality series this year, which debuted in July to the highest ratings of any series in the Real Housewives franchise.

Her impending nuptials to Jewell became one of the show's central plot lines, and Burruss frequently fought with her mother, who expressed concern over the number of women with whom her fiancé had children.

In August, Burruss gave several interviews - including one to Essence.com - in which she revealed that she called off the wedding and put the relationship "on hiatus," though the couple vowed to remain friends.

"im bout 2 giv my swollen eyes sum rest now," Burruss posted on her Twitter page early today, as she expressed gratitude for well-wishers. "i just wanted to say thanks 2 every1 for their prayers."

Jewell moved out of Burruss' tony Atlanta home last month, according to reports.

Hawaii

2009-08-08T21:48:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow we are leaving to Hawaii. The big news there is Hurricane Felicia. I called the shuttle service, and the guy did not seem too concerned about the hurricane. Hopefully it will be downgraded to a Tropical Storm once it hits land. We are just hoping that it does not rain all day every day we are there.

When we come back we are going to Catalina Island on Saturday to make wedding plans. Oh, I forgot to mention that I am engaged now. He proposed on July 16th, the 7 year anniversary of when we first met. It was very romantic. We went out to dinner, and then we went home. He tried to throw me off by us being home for a minute. And then we got in the car, and he wanted to blind fold me, but I agreed to close my eyes. We drove for a very long time up a hill, I could tell from the way his car was moving upward. He took me to the Griffith Park Observatory. We looked at the stars, walked around the building and then he introduced me to this guy.

This guy took us around a little bit more, and walked us outside towards the telescopes that were facing the sky. There were lines of people outside with the Observatory workers showing people Jupiter and the moon. We got the V.I.P. treatment, the guy told every one to get out of line. He said that there was something special happening. I had a feeling that something was going to happen.

When we first started dating and we were 3,000 miles apart he bought me a star so no matter where we were, we had the star as a symbol of our relationship. So the guy at the observatory started telling me about my star and where it was located in the sky. He let me look through the telescope to see the star which was located in the Western sky. When I turned around after looking at the star, he was on his knee with the diamond ring.

It was very sweet and nice. He was so nervous because he proposed in front of hundreds of people. His face was so red and he blurted out, "Will you marry me?"

I said of course, and the rest is history. We are engaged and planning a wedding for the future. The next year or so, we are definitely not in a hurry. On Wednesday it will be our 7 year anniversary, and the one year anniversary of his grandfather's death. We will be in Hawaii, hopefully relaxing and not trying to escape being blown away.

~ JB

April Cont'd

2009-08-01T10:13:00.000-07:00

April 24, 2009
Being organized is one of the toughest things for me. I can get everything to that point, but keeping it like that is a challenge. Recently I've decided to face my challenges head on. At 25, there are just certain things that I don't think I should be doing anymore. People are always so quick to tell me what I did wrong, or how unorganized I am. But I don't think anyone knows how to be helpful or suggest a solution. Its easier for them to criticize people to make themselves feel better. Today I need to be organized.

April 25, 2009
Things are starting to turn around. I am learning to be more appreciative of the life I have, and to be happy with just being alive everyday. Things could be a whole lot worse, and they're not. I thank God for my life with Ernie. He treats me so well. The fact that he loves me for me, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I am grateful for that. Its so easy to just give up on things in life, when its not going as planned. But I am headed in the right direction I think. God has given me the tools I need, and the know how on using them. Today I am grateful to know how to use my tools and go in the right direction.

April 26, 2009
Ernie and I have been progressing with the book, slowly but surely. I really thought we were a lot further in, but we were only at page 80 for 3 years. That is only 55 pages done since last year. We need to progress a lot quicker. This year has to be the year that we finally finish the book. I'm ready to be done with it, and to start selling it to an agent. I have all the proper tools to do so. Its time we both know it is. Finishing the book will make me happy.

April 27, 2009
This week is going to be super busy. I need to have strength and tons of rest. We are constantly moving, even when lying or sitting still. All of that motion requires energy. Energy that my hormones have sucked dry. Since it is that time of the month. But I am exhausted with being lazy and tired all the time. Tired is an excuse for laziness. I can't wait for our trip to Florida. We leave on Saturday. Ernie is still stressing about money. Now my aunt said that she will pay for one plane ticket to Hawaii. So Ernie and I will split one, and we both can go. I had put Hawaii so far out of my mind for this year. But its time to live!

April 29, 2009
How easy is it to manipulate someone? To change the entire conversation fitting of that one person. It must depend on how strong of a person one is. So strong to change either the mood or subject. But how can one person be so strong? How can one person have so much power? Lately at work I've been folding. Because its too much to fight back. Too much energy to go back and forth. My whole entire heart is not in it that much. So why should I bother? I have too much going on in my own life. And so does everyone else. What would happen if everyone everywhere just minded their own business? There is really no need to get involved. I find out so much information about others all the time, and I just want to keep it to myself. Let live and Let God. Tonight will be our 3rd church night. Every week lately, come Wednesday I feel like I need to be there. To hear the message. A very important message always. Especially since we're going to Florida this week. I will need to hear the good word to help guide me through.

April 30, 2009
Only one more day of work after today, and then we will be leaving for Florida. I am super excited about this trip. Disney World! I'm just happy to be spending more than 5 hours a day with Ernie. Not having days off together has really put a strain on our relationship. We were both unhappy. Its hard to not see the person you love happy. We only saw each other stressed out all the time after working all day. So this trip will be good for us. We both are in desperate need of a vacation.

April 30, 2009 - Night
Letty told me to build love today. At work as well as at home. Build love! Its hard to build love when you don't feel it all the time. I don't know how I lost the love. I don't know what happened. Its only been 3 weeks since my break down, but I lost love way before that. Why is it that we can't feel the same love anymore? I don't feel like the same person. I feel numb still. We've been going to church, 3 services so far and I'm trying. I know that I need to open myself up some more. For whatever reason I can't. I am trying to be patient. Its so easy for him to turn things off and go about his own music, but I don't have the current capability to just walk away to work on my book. I just want to be down with it. I don't want to need him so much. I hate having to be so dependent on him. He doesn't need me, he doesn't have to turn to me at all. He can just do whatever he wants. I need to be able to work on my own success. I should not have to to depend on others. Now he's coming in here because he's done so I have to drop everything. I am getting fed up with this.

Stay tuned for more....

Untitled

2009-08-01T09:49:00.000-07:00

I know its been a while, but I was going through some things. I have been writing in my journal just not typing on my blog. But I have decided to merge the two because its too difficult to go back and try to tell all of you what has been happening.

I will start with my last blog entry:
From my journal

April 18, 2009
Today I blogged for the first time since March 28th. My life took a turn after that so it is understandable as to why I could not blog. Writing frees me from my mind. Everything that I think comes out in words on paper, or on my computer. My mind is then cleared and freed. I wish I could live my own life freer, I would probably be so much happier. I am ready for my new life. Life without fear, failure and a freer self. I can't be afraid anymore. I refuse. No more dwelling on the past. Time to move forward.

April 19, 2009
I am starting to feel like my old self, with a new attitude. Yesterday Yazmin came over, we laid out by the pool. I talked to Christian and Ernie's parents about our upcoming trip to Florida. We are going May 2nd. And we are going to Disney World, the happiest place on earth. I just have to be happy there right? I just want everything to work out right now. I can't fail. As long as I remove failure from any and every situation, then I have to succeed.

April 20, 2009
Why are there so many decisions to be made? Life is a struggle right now. The economy is not making it easy for people to do things. Its hard for us to make the next moves in life. We have only gone to church once so far, and I still feel lost, yet people expect me to have all the answer right now, and I don't. Not after only one week. We both know what we need to do, but it takes money and patience to reach that point. God does not deliver all of the answers right away. He delivers when He wants to. And usually its not when you want them. I know what I want in life, and that is what my focus should be. Not all of this other bull shit. I just wish it could be so simple. I wish that Ernie and I didn't have to go our separate ways, not splitting up, but as far as our career paths and goals. That should be each of our focuses. We know that our situation needs to be changed. I feel like maybe we are just holding on because we love each other so much. When in actuality loosing one another would probably be the best thing for our careers. I think we both know that but how can we do that? We've become so dependent on one another over the years. I can't picture my life without him at all. Breaking up is so hard to do. Its like we need to either obtain our individual goals and dreams together or a part. Which one would be more beneficial? Which one will lead us to the path of success? Alone or together? That is what I need God to tell me. Please help me decide which way is best for both of us. Letting go of the one true love I've ever had to obtain my dreams or allowing the relationship to suffer to obtain my dreams. Please guide me in the right direction.

April 21, 2009
Yesterday was a good day. I accomplished a lot. We worked out, ate dinner and worked on the book. People are beginning to distract me from the task at hand. My friends want to spend all of their time with me. Its not that I don't want to but when I have things to do, they don't understand. They are forcing themselves on me. I can't deal with it. I am sick and tired of people forcing themselves on me. Their values, their beliefs and thoughts. How do they know what is right for me when I don't know what is right for me?

April 23, 2009
Last night was our second church night. It was good. He talked about finding that goodness inside of ourselves. He said to be an artist in your everyday life no matter what the situation is. The world is like your masterpiece. You live in what you create in each moment. He said not to worry about what others are doing or saying, but to just lift your head up high above it all and bring out the greatness that is already inside of us. Unfortunately we are so intoxicated with other people's worries or struggles that our own struggles become theirs as well. I think about the people who I am surrounded by, and most of them are very selfish and self-centered. Getting past all of that is the true struggle. But I can't worry about others as much. I feel like every one comes to me with their issues, meanwhile I've ignored my own. I have lost my inner happiness and peace and became so distracted by this economy. This economy that has our hands tied. My canvas got cluttered, my life became depressed. I have to get out of this rut and see the bigger picture of life. The picture that I am just waiting to paint.

Fear

2009-04-18T10:48:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday I went to church with Ernie and my dad. Going back to church had to be the hardest thing that I have done. I was so afraid. Afraid of judgment, but from whom, and afraid to admit to myself that all along I just needed God in my life. Fear is apart of everyone's life, especially my own. As a child I was afraid of spiders, and the dark. I still am...afraid of the unknown. I was afraid to turn 25, which I conquered by the way...I conquered it crying the whole day. I'm so pathetic sometimes. I had to come to the realization that although I had plans for my life, not everything works out as planned. I am learning. I am trying.

So at church there was a guest speaker, author of No Matter What, Lisa Nichols. She started by asking the congregation, "What happens when failure is removed from the picture? When you can't fail?" I have been afraid of failing my whole life. Admitting my fears is the first step to overcoming them, that is my story and I'm sticking to it. I am admitting my faults and fears to move on from them. Lisa Nichols said that, no matter what you have to go for yours and go after what you really want in life. See the problem was that I know what I want from my life, and I'm afraid to go after it because I think I am going to fail.

I had to admit that I'm not happy with my life, or where I am right now. But what exactly is happiness, is happiness being careful in life, and afraid to fail? Is happiness not giving your all because you're afraid of what people will think? Is happiness trying to make other people happy? All of those things is what I've been doing. I have convinced myself that getting married will make me happy, because others have influenced me to believe so. After being with someone for 7 years, how can he not want to marry you? There must be something wrong with that picture. But the truth is, getting married won't make me any happier, especially since it is something that is forced upon me, because of societal standards. I don't remember the last time I was truly happy in life, in my relationship and with myself. It was probably when I was still in college 3 or 4 years ago. Before getting married became apart of my daily conversation, before writing took a backseat in my daily routine and before I failed at becoming a successful journalist.

I don't know why people become afraid. I feel like it has a lot to do with what we are bombarded with on a daily basis. The media, society and other people. Why do we listen to what others tell us? Why do I? I just want to be happy again, and I don't want to be afraid. So that is why I went to church, I need God to knock the fear out of me. I need direction and guidance in my life. I lost my way after graduation, and although I knew what I wanted to do, I couldn't give it my all, for fear of failing. So what happens when failure is completely removed from the picture? When failure is not an option? Stay tuned....

25

2009-03-28T14:46:00.000-07:00

I will be 25 in less than two weeks and I have gone through my quarter life crisis transformation. I've accepted turning 25 and realized that its not so bad after all. Things could be a lot worse. The only thing that is upsetting me now is having to deal with this pay cut at work. Everyone has to take a 10% pay cut. The only thing that has saved me is the fact that I got a raise in January, so the pay cut won't be soooooo bad. It basically puts me back to where I was before the raise. I was doing so well for the first three months, saving money and not being affected by this economy, but now its come around to bite me in the ass. At least I didn't loose my job so I have to be grateful for that. The thing that pisses me off the most is that I'm taking a pay cut but I have to work the same amount of hours. What's up with that? I can't wait to get my book finished and published so i don't have to work for people anymore.

Things are moving along for me though...I just have to keep the faith. So about turning 25 and accepting it, I decided to not be afraid of getting older. I am embracing getting older and hoping to change my life for the better. I've always been so quick to get older, I think its because i'm an only child. I took on the responsibilities of being an adult at a young age. I loan my mother money to this day...my life is backwards. People go to their parents when they need money or help with things, but mine comes to me. I don't know...When do your parents stop holding parenting over you?

I'm ready to make more money and hustle my book and work on Beat Cartel things...I'm ready to get engaged, plan a wedding and buy a house. Not all this year of course, over time. Because time flies, today i'm 24 and tomorrow I'll be 29. Its not the time to slow down or move backwards in life, Its the time to move forward and embrace aging, change and life.

~ JB

Everything

2009-03-15T17:28:00.001-07:00

I've been sort of busy, working on things for the Beat Cartel. I wrote two press releases, and worked on the media lists. We are sending out information on Tuesday regarding Icadon's new album. I don't know if I've mentioned the Beat Cartel here before, but its my boyfriend E's production company with his brother. I agreed to the do the PR.

I've also been reading about pitching for my book, An American Education. I need to get cracking on finishing it up.

I've been thinking a lot about the plans we make as children. Its just amazing to me how most people don't reach the dreams they thought they would, or live the life they imagined. I'm off to plan B right now, since A didn't work. But as a child, no one tells you that plan A doesn't work. At least no one told me that. My mother always supported me and my dreams. But I guess she didn't want to be discouraging. I'm about to turn 25 in a few weeks, and this is not where I pictured my life. I thought I would be working my way up the editorial ladder at a magazine like Elle or Vogue. Cut throat, I know, was I truly prepared for that life, probably not. But being there was all I ever dreamed of.

Who would have thought that God had other plans for me. And now, I'm writing a book, doing Pr and writing freelance, all with no pay right now. LOL! But I'm still trying to focus. As long as I'm writing, I'm happy.

This brings me to my Biggest Loser update, I've lost 5lbs. since January, when we started it at work. It doesn't seem like much, but if you've seen me, you'd think I was crazy for loosing that 5. We're going on vacation in May and again in July and August, so I want to be in shape, and fit. I thought I wanted to get down to 120lbs, but I would look to sick and emaciated. I won't say what my weight is, I'm trying a little thing called mystery. As I get older, I will probably stop admitted things about myself. Although I like to be an open book, I think it makes others nervous and shy.

That is pretty much every thing that has been going on with me.
Peace

~ JB

Standing by her man

2009-03-08T11:41:00.000-07:00

When Gina* married Derek* three years ago, everything was great. She found a man who accepted her and her 7 year old daughter. Derek proposed with a three diamond 3 carat engagement ring, "one for me, one for him and one for my daughter." It was too good to be true. Gina moved out of her parent's house, and in to Derek's two bedroom, two bathroom style condo on the beach. "We dated for less than a year before he proposed, I just knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with," Gina said.

Unfortunately Gina was unaware of Derek's financial troubles. She spent most of her twenties paying off her bills and obtaining a credit score over 700. But after marrying Derek, she slowly began to find out that he has a spending problem. "Derek goes golfing every weekend, and it is very expensive. I wish I had the luxury of spending money on outside activities like he does, but in this economy, I'm trying so hard to save." Gina opened up a separate checking account to have part of her paycheck deposited in to every month, and hasn't told Derek. "Every time I get paid, the money is gone. I feel like what am I working for. If my daughter needs something, Derek is there for her, to purchase whatever she needs, but I feel like I have no control over my money or how it is spent."

Last year Derek did the unthinkable. He bought a car without telling Gina. He put the car in her name, using her social security number. "The only reason I found out was because Toyota kept calling me regarding a quote on a Tundra. He still has his Expedition and we're still paying for the Acura. I don't know why he wants to buy another car." The worse part about it, is because his credit is so shitty, everything is under her name. They are married, and have everything joint, so Derek can take advantage of her good credit. "I thought keeping everything together would make it easier. Derek told me it was the best thing for our marriage, to have the money together."

This week Derek and Gina filed for bankruptcy. I asked her what happened, "Our lawyers and financial advisers said this was the best thing for us to do. Apparently Derek was worse off than I thought. He is $90,000 in debt and we can't pay for anything. We have three cars, and all these bills. All of these bills are his bills, not mine. But because we're married, I get dragged down too." Gina is standing by her husband, although she knows it could take 9 to 10 years now-a-days to get out of her situation, there is nothing else she can do. "I rather be there by his side then have him do it without me." A marriage is supposed to be about honesty and having things out in the open. I can't understand why Derek would keep all these secrets from Gina and put her and her daughter at jeopardy. Their Ford Expedition has been taken away and they have to renegotiate their other two car loans. Gina's parents are disappointed and upset, but she is 31 and he is 37, they should have known better right? So how can this situation be avoided in the future. Gina gave Derek an ultimatum. "I told him that this is it, I am by his side this time, but if he doesn't get his act together then I am leaving. My daughter and I will go. I can't be mad at him anymore because I've screamed until I was blue in the face. But this is a lesson learned."

That lesson is to be open about your money in you relationship. If you decide on having a joint account, be sure the bills are paid first, before anything else. This is just the standard rule. E and I know each other's financial situations...we should after 7 years together. We know each other's credit scores and what we can do to improve them and what we have been doing to work on that. We are going to try to purchase a Condo this year, so its important for us to have our finances under control.

In this month's Details, (yes I subscribe to men's publications too) suggest keeping separate accounts. And if you decide on a joint account, keep a separate account for your own expenses. When my parents were married, they had one account for the bills and their own accounts for whatever they wanted. Whether they spent money on me, or gifts for each other or vacations. They were able to work things out, and made sure the bills, mortgage, car notes, etc...were paid. E and I haven't decided what we were going to do, when and if we get married. My total debt is, $2000 while his is much more. I am working to pay off my bills so I can save money. But if we did have a joint account, I would have more money left over each month than he does, and his paycheck is triple mine. I don't think it would work out for us. Now after what happened to my friend Gina, I am very nervous about the whole joint account thing.

~ JB

* These are real people whose names have been changed

Happy Birthday Daddy

2009-02-25T22:30:00.000-08:00

Today is my dad's birthday...I took him to the airport. He goes to North Carolina every year for his birthday. The last time that I saw him was May 2008 when I was unemployed and I needed to borrow money. So for his birthday present, I finally paid him back, and took him to the airport. It feels very strange when I'm around him now. Because we haven't been apart of each other's lives for a long time. Its not any one's fault in particular, we just fell out of touch. I stopped calling and he stopped calling. When my parents separated in 1996, I went to live with my mom, and after their divorce and custody battles, my mom received full custody. My dad was angry and upset, because of how my mom left him. I was hurt too. I was still young and very much a daddy's girl. His anger towards my mom affected our relationship as well. He was so hurt, that he just moved away. He lived up North and in North Carolina for a while. I didn't see him again until high school.

People think that fathers need to be there when little girls are young, to show them proper love from a man. Its essential for fathers to be apart of young ladies lives for their entire life. The abandonment and the hurt is still there, whether the child is 5, 15 or 25. It doesn't matter. I wish our relationship wasn't the way it is now, I want a relationship with him, but I feel like its too late. It is so hard to just pick up from what, when I was 11. We've talked about this before too...when he left, due to his anger he ruined our relationship as well. I know that I can never get that time back. Daughters need their fathers throughout their whole lives, and don't ever think differently.

And now, when my boyfriend and I talk about marriage plans, I want my father there. I don't want him to not be there. But he knows nothing of my relationship. He barely knows me. I try to tell him everything, but its hard to cram a whole year or two in to random conversations. I really want to wipe the slate clean, and start over again. But I know it won't be easy. I sort of feel like he just wants me to make the first move. To call him and to try to see him, because he gave up a long time ago. And now that I am almost 25, he doesn't feel like I need him in my life. But I do.

I've reached the point where I can't cry about the situation anymore, but I am willing to do whatever I need to do, to make it right. I just would like some sort of cooperation as well.

So, 2 years ago, I started Dear Daddy. Dear Daddy is basically letters written to people's fathers. Originally, it was too hard for me to talk to him, so I would write him letters, explaining how I felt, and how much I was hurt. I focused so much on the pain...those letters took most of my pain away. It was very therapeutic. Then I started thinking about my friends, many of us have daddy issues. Many women, especially black women have daddy issues too. Its hard! Its really hard. I went out to all my friends through e-mail, and asked them to write letters to their daddies. I wanted them to submit a Dear Daddy letter...whether or not they wanted to thank their fathers, or tell them how they felt. The relationship didn't have to be negative, just whatever you wanted to tell him. And then, I thought bigger! I reached out to members of my family, young and old, and asked them to write letters to their fathers. My younger cousins to my grandmother. Whatever they want to tell their fathers, just get it out! Don't hold back, life is too short. But then, I thought....wait this needs to go bigger, wider...well, that is when I had to stop.

Due to my PR job, and the demanding time...my 11 hour days, I couldn't focus anymore on the letters, and I couldn't follow up with people. But now I want to again. I think it would make a great book of published letters. My ideas are copy written and so are my letters and my friend's letters...so don't try to steal my idea, or you will get sued. :)

But I wanted to start a Dear Daddy Letter foundation....For all the soldiers who have died in battle, and their children who may never know them. Or even for the soldiers that are still alive, they can read their children's letters to them in a published book. I'm still working out the kinks...but I don't want my problem with my father to be the end all. I know I am not alone. There are many women and men who have things to say to their fathers that they were never able to say. If you would like more information, send me a message or an e-mail to: jb.roughdraft@gmail.com

~ JB

Valentine's Day

2009-02-22T09:56:00.000-08:00

We spent Valentine's weekend in San Francisco. It was his first time and my second time visiting. We had fun, it was cold and raining and our plane was delayed 3 hours. But other than that, we got to see the sights, and we just walked around in the cold and in the rain. On Sunday it started pouring, and it didn't stop. My shoes were soaking wet and my socks were soaking through. His pants were drenched. All we could do was laugh. I got sick after wards, but it was worth it. The only good thing about being delayed at the airport, was that we sat at the bar and watched the All Star Game. The West won of course, because everything is better in the West! LOL!

And of course when I got back, everyone asked me, did he propose? Are you guys getting married? No, no and no...not at this time. Its so crazy to have people want you to get married. Sometimes I feel like they want to set me up for failure...or they just want to see what will happen when the time does come. I don't understand why people, co-workers, and ex-co-workers are so concerned with my life. But whatevs...

I did however talk to my father. For the first time since May 2008. He's doing okay....sometimes I find it easier to talk to him then to talk to my mother. I told him about how E and I were talking about marriage, and how he may propose this year. And my dad was so happy and excited. And he gave his blessings and congratulations. He of course wants to speak to E first, which E will do. My dad is from North Carolina, and he's very old skool. He doesn't even think we should be living together without getting married first. And I have to tell him, dad, people are living together and finding out more about each other. If we didn't live together first, we might have gotten married, and separated by now. Living together first saves relationships or breaks them, I believe.

I know that people think I'm too young, I'll be 25 in April, and E will be 33 in November. But I'm always going to be too young, until I'm too old. We're not in a rush either, because it will be 7 years in August. This whole situation confuses me...and on top of my quarter life crisis, its something that I don't need right now. I have my mom telling me we should wait, and I ask her wait until when, and she says to wait 4 more years. So I will be 29 and E will be 37. I don't know what the wait is for...not much will change. And my dad thinks we should do it now. His parents have been waiting for us to get married, because he is the oldest. And everyone around the both of us, peers, co-workers and friends want us to get married now. We just want to do our own thing, which will be the end result any ways.

I just wish people would stop talking to me about it. The only people I'm concerned about is both of our families. I just can't deal with pressure coming from all sides.

San Francisco was nice, but I think when and if we go again, we need better weather to enjoy the scenery. But you can see some of our pictures.

~ JB

Absent

2009-02-06T17:55:00.000-08:00

Sorry I've been so absent...I have been working on my book a lot...and working on some promotions ideas for the Beat Cartel...and the most exciting, watching the Lakers beat every body they've come in contact with. I love basketball! That has left me no time for my lil' ol' blog. And now I have people texting me asking me where have I been, whats going on....so here I am blogging.

I feel like I have so much to do sometimes and that I can't keep up with any of it. In addition to my 9-5, i'm working on my book, searching for literary agents, and constantly proofreading. I am going to be doing PR for the Beat Cartel...http://beatcartelmusic.com/ and http://www.myspace.com/beatcartel...so be on the look out for press releases soon...can't go in to that because everything is in progress and strictly for the media. And I want to start a foundation. Dear Daddy Letters...I came up with the idea 2 years ago.

Those are all the things I'm working on and working up too making shit happen.

Also E and I have been talking about marriage...the big P- proposal to come...and looking at houses and trying to figure out what we're going to do with ourselves.

I'm getting tired just talking about everything that I'm doing and not having time to work on things is frustrating. So that is why I've been absent, and may be more absent in the future.

Much Love and wish me luck on my endeavors.

~ JB

Found the bullet...

2009-01-29T17:56:00.000-08:00

Today I found the bullet
The bullet that went in to the chest of our building's maintenance guy yesterday
He was shot and killed just for entering the apartment
He was shot for going to fix something
Something that he was told to fix
Today I found the bullet

I found the bullet that my cousin was accused of shooting at an off duty cop
When he was caught in his apartment
Breaking and entering
He is now doing life for attempted murder
Today I found the bullet

The bullet that shot Tupac and Biggie...
The bullet that took both of their lives
I also found the bullet that took the life of Martin Luther King Jr.
And the bullet that was going to be used on Obama
Today I found them all
The bullets were just all lying there
Together
In one place

I couldn't believe it
Now if only I had a huge magnet
To take them all back
To reverse what happened
But then, I would have to travel the country to take back the bullets of all the lives that have
been lost to gun violence
It would take me more than one day
To get back all those bullets
Today, I found the bullets
The bullets that destroyed men
The bullets that gave some power
And yet took away the power of others

Because what is a gun without the bullet

January's 20 Questions

2009-01-23T07:31:00.000-08:00

1. Will the world really end in 2012?
2. If so, then isn't it ironic that we get a black President now?
3. Why are people already talking shit about the economy vs. how many days Obama has been in office? He's not a magician
4. Speaking of which, is it really a good idea to close Guantanamo Bay?
5. How long will the cease-fire really last in the middle east?
6. With Circuit City closing down, are you going to go out and buy a new television?
7. Speaking of which, did you know that Gap, Lane Bryant, Mrs. Field's cookies and other retailers are closing too?
8. It's nice that the president of Yahoo decided to not give any one a raise this year to save money, but since she's only been there a week, is it necessary that her salary is $38 million a year?
9. Does anyone else see anything wrong with that picture?
10. Am I really having a quarter life crisis?
11. What is going to happen with all the unemployed in California, when the state is out of money next week?
12. Why are people not ready to do whatever it takes to keep California a float?
13. Why are certain Californian's blaming Obama for the increase in the state's wine tax?
14. Last I checked, the Terminator was our governor, who made our decisions... why does the black man get blamed for everything?
15. In 2012, when the sun eclipses the milky way galaxy, where will you be hiding?
16. Can this world be saved?
17. Do you really want to know what Obama does every second of every day?
18. If not, then why is the media constantly telling us?
19. Was this the fist inauguration that you've ever watched?
20. Would you have cared as much, if it was another white man?

Martin Luther King Jr.

2009-01-19T18:11:00.000-08:00

I just have two things to say....Number 1 - A white woman asked me if today was a holiday, because all the banks were closed and traffic was light. She said that she never heard of this day.

Number 2 - A white woman told me today, "Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day"....really?

I have a dream speech below

Notorious

2009-01-18T09:04:00.000-08:00

So last night my boyfriend and I went to see Notorious, the alleged biopic movie of the late Christopher (Notorious B.I.G.) Wallace's life. Growing up on the West Coast I didn't get to learn that much about Biggie. I hardly listened to his music. Honestly I was only 12 when he died. I listened to Tupac a lot, but mostly after he died as well. My mother didn't want me to listen to rap music when I was younger, she thought that everything was ho this and bitch that. I had to show her that Tupac wasn't always calling women bitches and hos, he had a message a lot of the times.

However, Biggie's music was more raunchy most of the time, so I didn't pay attention to his music. When the whole East vs. West started, of course I fell in to it, because of my location, Los Angeles, CA. With all that being said, I was excited to see the movie about B.I.G. I wanted to see what sparked the Lil' Kim and Faith Evans feud, and I figured since mostly everyone who was there with Biggie was interviewed and had a say in the film, that I would be able to see everything. However, through out the 2 hours and 2 minutes of the movie, you only get to see faces made or eyes rolled in one scene between Faith and Kim. They are never seen talking shit about each other, and Kim was never heard rhyming about Faith. It was just as if they settled their score that one and only time they were in the same room as each other. I've heard plenty of rumors, I mean who hasn't, but I was hoping that the truth would be shown and put those rumors to rest. I guess Kim was fucking Biggie all along, even after he was married to Faith. But Biggie is only shown cheating on Faith once, and its not with Kim.

I was glad to see that they portrayed the friendship that Tupac and Biggie had, before the rivalry or beef started. However, I didn't even realize that the guy who played Pac, was actually who he was supposed to be. Besides the main characters, Big, Diddy, and Faith, no one looked like their counterparts. I guess they tried to do their best on casting, but it was confusing trying to figure out who everyone was, without their names being mentioned first. Luckily from watching the Pac documentary, and from just reading everything that was in the media, you might have had a sense of what is going on, but like I said I was only 12 in 1997. So I didn't pay attention to all the stories that were going on at the time, I was too young. Many of the people that were in the theater with us, were younger than me. High school students, so they couldn't possibly have known what was going on then.

One of the major things that stood out to me, is the fact that Diddy portrayed himself to be such an angel. He was this father figure, who took care of Biggie and looked out for him, and never did anything wrong, EVER. I know the film wasn't about him, but he was just so perfect. He didn't smoke cigars or blunts, he was barely shown drinking alcohol. I know that he was 4 years older than Christopher, but still, he didn't fuck around with any ladies. It seemed like anything that showed Diddy negatively, whether it dealt with Big or not, was completely skipped over. They had 2 hours!

Even when the whole East vs West started, after 2pac got shot in the studio in NY, and Biggie was accused of planning the whole thing, Diddy, movie Diddy, didn't say anything negative about the whole thing. I know that he was not responsible for the beef, but in the film they showed Big wanted to squash it early on, before it got started, but Diddy was like, no don't call him, this will all blow over. When it didn't blow over, and Suge Knight talked shit at the Source Awards, about producers dancing in the videos, and saying shit on tracks, Diddy didn't have anything bad to say back. I find it hard to believe that he remained so innocent during the whole East vs West. I guess from the eyes of Diddy, he didn't do or say anything to provoke things. It just seemed so odd to me that Diddy and Biggie never even talked about anything regarding the beef, in the film.

The character that played Big, Jamal Woolard did a good job, in my opinion. Its not easy playing a character who you were never around, or got to actually meet. This kid never acted a day in his life. He did a great job. I feel like the way Big's mom, Violetta Wallace and Diddy wanted Biggie to be portrayed, was maybe interpreted differently by Jamal. Like I said before, I didn't know much about him, but even Jamal's portrayal of him was almost angelic in some scenes. He did sleep around without remorse, but then when the women got pregnant he was ready to step up and become a man, at such a young age. The whole movie he was just trying to be a man, I guess that is what happens to young boys who don't have a father figure around. However, towards the end of his life, when he was in Los Angeles promoting his album, they made it seem like he had so many epiphanies. All of a sudden he wanted his whole family, his kids, his mom out in Cali with him. He called Lil' Kim to make up with her, and he made up with Faith for a minute, because they were split up at this time. He was on top of his game. He was a man, all of a sudden, at 24. Then he was shot and died. It just seemed so ironic that he became a man when he was about to die. I felt like towards the end, before he died, that whole scene was an interpretation.

Its hard to know what was real or fake. I am so much more confused about the life of Biggie than I was before the movie came out. I was happier with the rumors that I heard, and from talking to my boyfriend, who is from NY and who was 21 when B.I.G. died. Tonight we're going to watch the documentary of Notorious, which has been on BET. Hopefully that will clear up things in my mind.

One last sort of funny thing, the character that played Lil' Cease, looked nothing like him. I didn't even know who he was at first. It would have been nice if whenever they showed a person, they took a quick second to scroll their name across the scree, because I had NO CLUE who half those people were, and I still don't know. But look at the pictures below, on the left is the kid who played Lil' Cease and on the right, the actual Cease. They could have found or used someone else who looked more like him. At least that is what I think.

Power

2009-01-13T18:57:00.000-08:00

I watched The Other Boleyn Girl the other night, and if you haven't seen it yet, you should. Its about Henry Tudor VIII and the two Boleyn girls who battle for his affection, as his mistresses, and one becomes his queen. The one sister, played by Natalie Portman, becomes his Queen by using the only power she has, sex. She held out, until she was sure that he would make her his queen, however he ended up just taking it from her. Her power was sex. I started thinking about the power that women have. Unless we have millions of dollars, and are the heads of something, we are completely powerless. Women have power over each other, but when it comes to men, sex is our only power. There are over 31 definitions for the word power and 48 laws of power, and women only have one? That doesn't add up to me. I think women need to figure out other powers that they can have, besides sexual ones, or caddy power over other women.

I love the 48 laws of power, although it was originally written by Niccolo Machiavelli, in his work, The Prince, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Prince. I never realized how important having power is, until I learned about the 48 laws 4 years ago. The laws can be applied to just about anything in your everyday life. I think as a woman, having power is important. Not just power over others, but over yourself, sort of like self control. For example:

Law 1 - Never outshine the master - Always make those above you feel comfortably superior. In your desire to please or impress them, do not go too far in displaying your talents or you might accomplish the opposite - inspire fear and insecurity. Make your masters appear more brilliant than they are and you will attain the heights of power.

I apply that law to my job everyday. Although my boss trained me, and she has been in the business longer than myself, I am still quicker than she is. I notice little mistakes that she makes all the time, but I don't say anything. I let her see her own mistakes, because I feel like she will think I'm being a smart ass if I say something to her. Not only that, you don't want your boss to think that she/he can be replaced by you, even though the possibility is so great, especially the way the economy is going.

Law 4 - Always say less than necessary - When you are trying to impress people with words, the more you say, the more common you appear, and the less in control. Even if you are saying something banal, it will seem original if you make it vague, open-ended, and sphinxlike. Powerful people impress and intimidate by saying less. The more you say, the more likely you are to say something foolish.

That law is about self control most definitely. I used to just talk and talk and talk and randomly say whatever was on my mind. But I noticed people's expressions and I started feeling stupid. It wasn't that the things I said were stupid, just pointless, or unnecessary. It took me a while to get my mouth under control. The number one thing that I used to get in trouble for, while in school, was running my mouth. But you are more powerful, when you are quiet, because people start wondering what you're thinking. And when you do say something, it seems profound, because it took you a while to think about it. Then people hang on your every word. This is good amongst associates, not friends, just associates and even in dealing with guys.

Last but certainly not least, one of my most favorite law.

Law 10 - Infection: Avoid the Unhappy and Unlucky - You can die from someone else's misery - emotional states are as infectious as disease. You may feel you are helping the drowning man but you are only precipitating your own disaster. The unfortunate sometimes draw misfortune on themselves; they will also draw it on you. Associate with the happy and fortunate instead.

Have you ever noticed how the mood can change whenever a certain person is in the room? An unhappy person, someone who everyone knows is usually a Debbie downer, you need to avoid that person. You don't realize how quickly you can fall into other people's negativity. It is so easy. One person says something mean, you say something mean back. It can just continue into something that you don't want to be involved in. Seriously think about your own life. It is time to be somewhat selfish, and not worry about anyone else. Other people's issues, drama and unhappiness is not your own. You don't have to be down because they are. But it is so easy to be like that. Just continue to be happy. Get away from that person, or if you can't avoid them physically, then block them out. Start doing something that makes you happy, or that can occupy your time while you are around that person. This is still one of the hardest powers for me to learn. I have struggled with this one in the past, and I am started to get a handle on it. However, it is not easy.

To read more about the 48 laws of power, you can either purchase the book at Barnes and Noble or wherever, or get the abridged version like me from the below link.

http://www2.tech.purdue.edu/cgt/courses/cgt411/covey/48_laws_of_power.htm

~ JB

The Biggest Loser

2009-01-08T18:08:00.000-08:00

We're doing the biggest loser at work, to kick off the new year. Everyone set their goals, weight goals or just how we want to look in our clothes. My goal was to be the same size I was Summer 2006. We decided to do our weigh in at the end of the every month, instead of once a week. Once a week weigh-ins are too stressful.

E and I are going to Florida and to Hawaii this year, so I need to look decent in a bikini. Not that I would look bad now, but I want to get back down to 120lbs. That was what I was a few years ago, and I liked being that size. However I will settle for 125. My boyfriend thinks I'm crazy for wanting to loose weight, and so does everyone else, but I feel like I need to be comfortable. Just because someone looks skinny, doesn't mean they are happy with the way they look in a bikini. Being bikini ready takes a lot of work. Lots of cardio, ab work, and a little bit of weight lifting, as well as squats for my thighs and calves. I like to look toned all around, not just toned abs or arms. I think everything should be equal, even with guys. I hate guys that are scrawny or they have too many muscles, just in their arms, and the rest of them is skinny or out of shape.

I think women should be like that too. Unfortunately guys loose weight so much quicker than women. Well its unfortunate for me, because my boyfriend lost 16lbs since September. And its not that I am not happy for him, but I have gone up and down loosing 1 to 2lbs here and there. Its so frustrating for me, to loose weight. I don't have much weight to loose, but the little bit that I want to loose is taking forever. I'm also planning on cutting out sugar and carbs for one day a week. I'm thinking Sundays, because when I'm home, I don't really eat that much. I don't start eating everything in the fridge, believe it or not. I try to stay busy, and do other things on Sundays. Its my relaxing day.

I know a lot of people make loosing weight their main new year's resolution, but they don't stick to it. So I didn't plan that to be my resolution, but I just want to do it for me, and for my vacations/bikini's.

~JB

Quarter Life Crisis - Part 1

2009-01-07T18:13:00.000-08:00

I know that people think that you can only have a mid-life crisis, but I am telling you, I am having a quarter life crisis. I will be 25 in April, and I've already had a mini-break down. First what I have to say may or may not shock you, but I was in the hospital in November and literally bed ridden for almost two months. Basically the doctors told me, after not knowing what was wrong with me in the emergency room, to telling me that I was having pains from ovulation. My ovaries were actually causing me pain. I don't know how else to explain it. Its like my body was telling me to have a child. According to the doctor, and from what I've read online, my body wants a baby. I'm almost 25 and I have never had a child, so my body has prepared itself, for a child. My hormones were all out of whack, and I was in so much pain. I could barely walk. I had three cysts on my pelvic area, around my ovaries, in my tubes, everything. Wherever the babies come from, I felt soreness, and pain. And there was a cyst there from November until a few weeks ago.

I can't tell you how painful and terrible this experience was. I felt like my body was attacking me. This is my step one in my crisis. I say that because most, when they hit 50, start falling apart. Their bodies change, and my body definitely changed. I saw three different doctors, because I never had something like that happen to me. Plus the fact that I had cysts, I thought immediately that maybe I could have cancer, except for the pain. I had a lot of time to think while I laid down for days and weeks, because I couldn't walk. I just thought about my life, and the things that I wanted to have accomplished by now, but I haven't been able to .

Sometimes thinking too much leads to more problems, because you just worry about things that can't be controlled. That is what lead me to a part of my New Year's Resolution, just the fact that I need to stop worrying about the things I can't control, for instance my ovulation pain. Well, it has been controlled now, with a daily pill, but before, who would have ever thought that was going to happen. This is just part 1 of my quarter life crisis.

The Single Life

2009-01-03T08:42:00.000-08:00

I have never officially lived the life of a single girl, because when I was actually old enough to enjoy it, I was in a relationship. So when I talk to my single friends, I don't always understand what they are going through, and why they are in such a rush to be in a relationship. I feel like if I was single, then I would take care of myself and my business better, in all actuality. I would have more time for myself, as opposed to constantly worrying about someone else. I don't want to be single, especially not now, because I love my boyfriend so much, but sometimes I feel like a single girl trapped inside of a relationship. And not even single in the sense of dating and sleeping with different men. In my opinion, that is not what the essence of single life is.

Single women, from what I have noticed, are usually on the prowl for a man. To me, being single, is about getting your self together. Handling your business and being extra confident, because all you have to worry about is you. I've also noticed that when women obsess about being with someone, or finding someone. The rare times when I was single, I don't remember worrying about being in a relationship. I guess because its one of the things that I don't have to worry about, then I do try to focus on myself somewhat. I just wish that more single women would take advantage of the single life.

They should focus on themselves. I've seen both sides of the single life from two different friends. My one friend, who was newly single out of a 5 year relationship, never ever looked for a man. She enjoyed her single life. She exercised, worked 24/7 and became a real catch. If I was a guy, I would look at her and think, okay, this woman has her shit together. She is making money, she looks good, she doesn't even need a man. And guess what, after being single for 2 1/2 years, single and happy, might I add, a guy started asking her out. She didn't jump right in to his arms either, she made him work for 6 months, because she didn't want to be tied down. But now, they have been dated for 2 years, however, I think she was happier single.

Basically, I think single woman shouldn't concern themselves with finding a man, it lets off a sense of desperation, which men can smell miles and miles away. But because my friend didn't care about finding a guy, and never really talked about, she ended up having someone chasing her. Even when I met my boyfriend, I didn't pay attention to him much. However, he paid attention to me.

Its probably harder for me to understand the single life, since I am not in that situation, but I do see what works for some people, and what doesn't work for others. I love my independence, but I also love coming home to someone, and going to bed next to someone. The further I get away from that single life, and I'm deep in a 7 year relationship, the more independent I am coming, if that makes sense.

My boyfriend and I, both have activities outside of our relationship and outside of work, to keep us totally busy and separate from each other. But its good to have something else to do besides sitting in each other's faces all night long. Ah, the single life is a mystery. A mystery that I don't think any woman can ever fully understand. But as long as you stay in love and taking care of yourself, then you have nothing to worry about, as far as finding a man. And don't actively look for one, he will spot you out of a crowd if you have your shit together. Not the other way around. I don't think any woman should ever chase after a man. We are the acceptors, not the chasers. If he asks us out, we either accept or decline. That is it...

Love

2008-12-30T20:13:00.000-08:00

Last year my new year's resolution was to love myself more. I felt like I wasn't taking care of myself. I didn't care how I looked because I was constantly working. I never got sick because I didn't have time to get sick. Not only did I not take care of myself, but I also constantly had negative thoughts. I never took the time to look around and be thankful for my life and for what I had. So I not only wanted to love myself more, but I needed to appreciate and love my life. I wanted to think more positively about everything. I got tired of being down on myself and others especially. I was always involved in other people's drama and in other people's business. I obsessed and fed off of people's negative energy. At the time I worked at the PR agency with 55 women, and they all thought they were too fat, too ugly, too skinny, too this or too that. I got caught up in that Los Angeles drama, the drama of not being happy with yourself and constantly worrying about how that can be changed.

As 2008 pushed on I noticed the change in myself. I became happy with myself and happy with my life. I slowly stopped worrying about others, and it took a lot for me to detach myself from others. People may think its fucked up or whatever, but I had to detach from others. I couldn't talk to people or deal with them. I stopped dealing with others drama. I felt like Mary J. Blige, with no more drama in my life. I not only transformed, but I cemented my change with a tattoo. My very first tattoo ever, on my right wrist, love in Kanji.

So now, after the transformation of me loving my self more and taking better care of myself, I had to think about my new New Year's resolution for 2009. I thought about what someone told me last year. I was told that I don't live in the moment, and that I constantly live in the future. I am always making plans and thinking about the next step in life. If you don't believe me, I already have 4 vacations planned and damn near paid for, for 2009. I don't know who else does that, but I even have outfit ideas for each separate vacation. That is just the way my mind works. But I would like to live in the present, and to enjoy the now. I don't know why I always think about the future and just constantly worry about it. I need to turn off that part of my brain, and just be here, present. I feel like I'm constantly dreaming, and off in another world. So resolution number one, is to live in the now. Resolution number two is to live my life to the fullest and to further enjoy every moment that I am alive and awake.

I know it seems like something so simple, but honestly for me it is not that easy to just let go. I will admit to being a bit of a control freak, so to let go and to just be, will be a difficult task for me. I have never been able to let go, because I was afraid of the unknown. Afraid of what would happen if someone else took control, or if the ball wasn't in my court. So that is my resolution, to live in the moment and to enjoy every single moment of my life. I do want to get another tattoo to commemorate this new moment in my life, but we shall see what happens.

I am also turning 25 in 2009, and I know that it seems so super young, but I think I'm have a quarter life crisis. I can't believe that I will be 25. Its another part of my controlling, because I thought that I knew for sure where I would be and what I would be doing at this point in my life, however, I'm not there yet. So that is what makes me so nervous about turning 25. I have never been the type of person who just floated through life without a thought or a care in the world. I had plans for my future when I was 9 years old. I was on the way to my goals at 13. But somewhere along the way, when life hit me smack in the face, I got stuck. Not stuck because of me, I still have my dreams, goals and ambitions, and I know that I will carry them out, but I assumed that I would be half way there already. I guess I put too much pressure on myself. But that can be changed through my resolution. Through living in the moment and taking care of my life on a day to day basis, as opposed to on a month by month or year to year basis. I skip part A and go all the way to part D, without ever getting a handle on part A. So wish me luck in my endeavors and on my New Year's Resolution, and I will support you on yours.

Happy New Year and here is to a prosperous and wonderful 2009!

Bryant, Gasol lead Lakers past Celtics 92-83

2008-12-25T19:30:00.000-08:00

....I am so happy the Lakers won....Merry Christmas to me!!!!!

By JOHN NADEL, AP Sports Writer

LOS ANGELES (AP)—The six-month wait is over. The Los Angeles Lakers can put the anguish of losing the NBA finals to the Boston Celtics and the embarrassment over the way the series ended behind them.

Kobe Bryant had 27 points, nine rebounds and five assists, Pau Gasol scored seven of his 20 points in the final three minutes, and the Lakers used a strong finish to beat Boston 92-83 Thursday, snapping the Celtics’ franchise-record 19-game winning streak.

The game was the first between the teams since the Celtics romped to a 131-92 victory in Game 6 of the finals last June to win their first championship in 22 years and league-high 17th title. The Lakers blew a 24-point second-quarter lead in Game 4 at Staples Center to fall behind 3-1—a deficit that’s never been overcome in the finals.

The teams have been archrivals since the 1960s, having met 11 times in the finals, with the Celtics going 9-2.

“We’ve been waiting for that opportunity for a long time, and we won,” said Lakers guard Sasha Vujacic, who scored 10 points. “I don’t like them at all. A lot of people called us softies or whatever. It doesn’t matter at all. We know what we can do.

“Last year, they won the championship. This year, it’s our year, we want to take it all the way.”

The victory was the 1,000th for Los Angeles’ Phil Jackson, enabling him to become the sixth NBA coach to reach that milestone. The 63-year-old Jackson has a career record of 1,000-423 in 17-plus seasons as coach of the Chicago Bulls and Lakers. He became the fastest to win 1,000 games, surpassing Pat Riley, who did it in 1,434 games.

“It’s amazing. I mean, he’s one of the greatest coaches of all time,” Celtics coach Doc Rivers said. “I can guarantee you that I won’t win 1,000 games because I won’t be around that long. It’s just an amazing number. When you throw up 1,000 wins, that says a lot.”

The Celtics entered with a 27-2 record—the fastest start by a two-loss team. They were in pretty good shape when Kevin Garnett dunked off a feed from Rajon Rondo to put them ahead 81-79 with 3:57 remaining. But the Lakers went on a 13-2 run to finish the game.

“Give them all the credit,” said Boston’s Paul Pierce, who had 20 points and 10 rebounds but was scoreless in the fourth quarter. “We just have to play better down the stretch.”

Gasol missed his first four shots, and showed frustration at times. But he made all three of his shots and all three of his free throws in the fourth quarter for nine of his team’s 21 points.

“We were pretty physical,” said Gasol, who had three rebounds, five assists and three blocked shots. “We were able to contain them, keep our poise and finish the game off. I had to make sure I took it to them, not settle for easy jumpers. I’m glad I was able to get over that hump of a slow start.

“It shows we can beat anybody. Hopefully, we’ll build on it.”

Jackson said the Lakers played excellent defense in the fourth quarter, when they held the Celtics to 16 points. Boston shot 8-of-19 and was 0-for-7 on 3-pointers in the final period.

“I’m really happy with Pau,” Jackson said. “He stepped up in that fourth quarter and we really needed him.”

Lamar Odom had 10 points and seven rebounds for the Lakers (24-5), who won their 12th straight game at home, where they’re 15-1. Andrew Bynum, who missed most of last season and the playoffs with an injured knee, had nine points and seven rebounds.

Garnett shot 11-of-14 in leading the Celtics (27-3) with 22 points and nine rebounds. Ray Allen scored 14, but went 2-of-11 after making his first three shots. Rondo was held to six points, shooting 3-of-11, but had 12 assists.

“They played great, give them credit,” Rivers said. “For a team that has been phenomenal down a stretch of games, I didn’t think we were very good tonight. We’ve been as composed as any team that I’ve seen in a long time, and I thought quite honestly that we lost it a little bit at the end.”

A 15-foot jumper by Gasol with 2:48 left snapped an 81-all tie and put the Lakers ahead for good. Allen’s 3-pointer failed, and Gasol scored from close range off an assist from Bryant with two minutes left, putting Los Angeles up by four and sending the crowd of 18,997 into a frenzy.

Garnett answered with a jumper to draw the Celtics within two, but Gasol’s three-point play with 1:28 left put the Lakers on top 88-83. Gasol then blocked a 3-pointer by Allen, setting up Trevor Ariza for a dunk that gave Los Angeles a seven-point lead with 1:12 to go. Bryant’s basket completed the scoring.

“It was my first Christmas game, and I’m obviously blessed to be here,” Garnett said. “There’s a reason why teams are playing on this special day, so it had a playoff energy and a playoff atmosphere to it, absolutely. It’s tough when you lose against anybody. We probably took a step back, but hats off to a good Laker team. Pau made big shots when he had to and Kobe put stress on the defense.”

Boston’s Eddie House made his only basket with 8:09 remaining to tie it at 75. Neither team led by more than two points after that until the Lakers took command.

Pierce scored five points and Allen added three during an 8-0 run that put Boston ahead 64-62. Then, with Bryant on the bench, Odom made two 3-pointers, and the Lakers outscored the Celtics 9-3 to finish the third period and take a 71-67 lead.

Vujacic scored eight points and Bryant added six during a 16-5 run to begin the second quarter, giving the Lakers a 39-29 lead—largest in the game for either team—and they were on top 51-45 at halftime.

Neither team led by more than three in the first quarter, which ended with the Celtics on top 24-23. Boston shot 61.1 percent to 47.6 percent for the Lakers, but committed six of its 18 turnovers.

Notes

Boston’s Glen Davis returned to action after missing two games because of a concussion sustained in a traffic accident last Sunday, and had four points and four rebounds in 13 minutes. … The Lakers played without backup point guard Jordan Farmar, who underwent knee surgery Wednesday and will be sidelined approximately eight weeks. … The game marked the first time in NBA history that two teams met with so few losses (seven) this late in the season. … The game was the 10th straight for the Lakers on Christmas. They have an overall record of 20-15 on Christmas including 11-6 at home. … It was the Celtics’ first game on Christmas since 2002. They have a 10-15 record, going 9-15 on the road and 1-0 at a neutral site. They have never played at home on Christmas. … The game was the first on Christmas between the teams since 1970, when the Lakers won a 123-113 home decision.

And now for the updated standings....

2008-2009 Conference Regular Season Standings
Eastern Conference
Eastern	W	L	PCT	GB	CONF	DIV	HOME	ROAD	L 10	STREAK
Boston¹	27	3	0.900	0.0	20-1	6-0	17-1	10-2	9-1	L 1
Cleveland²	24	4	0.857	2.0	15-3	6-1	14-0	10-4	9-1	W 4
Orlando³	23	6	0.793	3.5	10-2	3-1	13-3	10-3	9-1	W 6
Atlanta⁴	18	10	0.643	8.0	13-7	6-0	12-2	6-8	6-4	W 3
Detroit⁵	15	11	0.577	10.0	11-7	5-0	8-5	7-6	5-5	W 1
Miami⁶	15	12	0.556	10.5	7-6	3-2	9-5	6-7	7-3	W 3
New Jersey⁷	14	14	0.500	12.0	8-9	3-2	5-10	9-4	4-6	W 1
Milwaukee⁸	14	16	0.467	13.0	9-10	2-4	8-4	6-12	6-4	W 3
Chicago	13	15	0.464	13.0	6-10	2-4	10-3	3-12	5-5	L 1
Philadelphia	12	16	0.429	14.0	8-13	2-4	7-8	5-8	4-6	L 2
New York	11	16	0.407	14.5	6-11	1-3	7-5	4-11	3-7	L 4
Toronto	11	17	0.393	15.0	9-9	2-5	5-8	6-9	3-7	W 1
Indiana	10	18	0.357	16.0	6-15	0-6	6-7	4-11	3-7	L 1
Charlotte	10	19	0.345	16.5	5-14	2-4	8-10	2-9	3-7	W 1
Washington	4	22	0.154	21.0	2-18	0-7	3-12	1-10	1-9	L 7
Western Conference
Western	W	L	PCT	GB	CONF	DIV	HOME	ROAD	L 10	STREAK
L.A. Lakers¹	24	5	0.828	0.0	16-1	6-1	15-1	9-4	7-3	W 3
San Antonio²	19	10	0.655	5.0	15-6	4-3	11-5	8-5	8-2	W 4
Houston³	19	10	0.655	5.0	14-7	4-3	9-3	10-7	7-3	L 1
Denver⁴	18	11	0.621	6.0	13-9	4-2	10-4	8-7	5-5	L 1
New Orleans⁵	16	9	0.640	6.0	12-5	3-1	9-4	7-5	7-3	L 2
Portland⁵	18	11	0.621	6.0	10-9	3-3	10-2	8-9	5-5	W 1
Dallas⁷	16	11	0.593	7.0	9-7	4-2	8-6	8-5	7-3	W 2
Phoenix⁸	16	12	0.571	7.5	9-9	1-2	9-6	7-6	5-5	L 1
Utah	17	13	0.567	7.5	12-2	5-0	10-4	7-9	5-5	L 2
Memphis	9	19	0.321	14.5	6-14	1-7	7-8	2-11	5-5	L 4
L.A. Clippers	8	20	0.286	15.5	6-14	0-4	3-11	5-9	5-5	L 2
Golden State	8	22	0.267	16.5	5-8	1-1	4-7	4-15	3-7	L 2
Sacramento	7	22	0.241	17.0	7-16	3-3	5-9	2-13	2-8	L 4
Minnesota	4	23	0.148	19.0	2-18	1-7	2-11	2-12	0-10	L 13
Oklahoma City	3	26	0.103	21.0	2-13	1-2	2-13	1-13	1-9	L 2

Wow This is Really a Story!

2008-12-21T11:02:00.000-08:00

This is proof that people need to get a fucking life. Who the hell cares if she has two rings? If a woman can be lucky enough to get a man who can buy her two rings then more power to her. This isn't from a tabloid or anything, but the San Francisco Chronicle, online edition. Damn, they had no other news....

Beyonce's 'Fake' Engagement Ring

Beyonce Knowles has two engagement rings, and switches to a less expensive "fake" when she's onstage and out in public.

When the superstar's spouse Jay-Z popped the question last year he presented her with a stunning $5 million, 18-carat diamond ring, and also gave her a much cheaper $5,000 imitation for concerts and parties.

A source tells Star magazine, "Even though Beyonce's real engagement ring is insured, she doesn't always feel comfortable wearing such a valuable stone."

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=7&entry_id=33792

Midnight: A Gangster Love Story

2008-12-14T10:05:00.001-08:00

So I just finished reading the book, and damn Sister Souljah did such a great job. I think that every single man and woman need to read this book. Midnight was only 14 years old just about the entire book, yet he seemed so much older and wiser. Because if his Islamic religion, he respected women, his family and himself. Although he had to deal with the temptations of Brooklyn, girls and even advances from older women, he held true to his beliefs. In a world such as New York, where it is so easy to loose yourself, he kept true to everything. As a young boy he transforms in to a man, when he takes Akemi as his wife, under the eyes of Allah and some witnesses. He even has to deal with his interracial relationship from being a with a Japanese girl, and catching the evil eyes from Black women. He dealt with so much at such a young age, and yet kept my respect the entire book.

After reading the book, I started thinking about how much women can ruin a man's life. Don't get all defensive women, but its just how I was feeling after wards. Midnight took so much care and consideration in taking care of his mother and younger sister. They were his world. Think about how many young men abandon their mothers for the love of the streets, the money and the hood. He never conformed in this story. He continued to pick his mother up from work every single day, and protect her from all men. Including having to murder someone who fell in love with his mother, after seeing her uncovered. Any challenge that came to him, he dealt with it. Even though all the so-called "flyest" women threw themselves at him, he kept his composure, because he not only didn't want to get involved, but he couldn't. His religion required that he waited until he got married to make love. Think about how many fast ass women take the virginity of men. I'm not in defense of men, because I know there are double that amount that take it from women. But do women even respect themselves enough to keep their virginity anymore? I don't know, i haven't been one for quite awhile. But if I could do it over again, i wish I would have waited for my soul mate, my true love and my husband.

Souljah make you look at women from a much different perspective, than The Coldest Winter Ever. Through Winter's eyes, she was always right, but now after reading Midnight's side of the story, so to speak, I understand why he rejected her. He rejected all those whorish women, who rocked their mini skirts and short shorts and halter tops. Women who most men would be all over, he rejected them. He went for someone who was a genius. I mean this girl, Akemi, was a fucking genius. She was gentle, she was feminine and she was a virgin. I wonder if men can really smell the desperation in women, especially when they throw themselves all over them. How can us women allow our portrayals to be so bad? And even worse, how can men take advantage of us in our times of weakness? They should be stronger, like Midnight, and hold their composure, like he was able to do. I don't understand what went wrong when it comes to our community and our people.

Its like everyone started in one place, and ended up all over the place. The only thing that upset me was how it ended, but I'm sure Souljah has jumped way ahead of everyone and left it up to our imagination. After all, we do know what happened to Midnight when dealing with Santiaga, and Winter. But even then he was so mysterious. Now we can understand why he was so mysterious and what really weighed on his heart, was his true love who he may or may not have lost. Damn, Winter just didn't know, she was so out of his league. And what I love the most about him, was his mysteriousness, and how he kept his religion and love for himself only. There was no need for him to explain himself to Winter, because she wouldn't understand, like most of those hood girls didn't. Yet they all fell madly in love with him. Its the most mysterious of men that attract women. And there are still those guys who brag, talk shit, and spit game at girls. Maybe they will realize that all of that doesn't work, and its the quiet guys that get the girls.

All I'm saying is read the book, buy the book and support your black Sister Souljah!

~JB

Fashion obsessions

2008-12-07T12:07:00.000-08:00

Okay so I found this dress that I absolutely love. I don't like the way it looks on the model, but I think I could fill it out a little better. I would prefer it in pink, but I could live with the color either way. Its a Monique Lhuillier, who I adore. Her fashions are gorgeous yet young and hip. I actually like her wedding dresses, and I'm not a huge fan of the long gowns. But her gowns still show a woman's shape, even though most of the models are shapeless. But this dress, I could wear to the reception after the wedding. I saw it a year ago in a magazine and took a photo of it, and I saw it recently while searching her site. I like shorter dresses, and the material on this dress looks so delicate and soft and feminine. I would even wear this as a wedding dress, just because of the simplicity. I don't like all that fancy beading, lace and white silk. I'm more of a modern type of person, who also likes to be plain and not too outlandish.

I also found this pink silk, chiffon top that I think is so adorable. The bright color is pretty. Pink is my absolute favorite color if you haven't noticed. I like halter tops too, but I like them to be feminine, not tacky and made of cheap material. I think the last time I owned a cotton or cheap halter top, I was twelve or thirteen. This top is fun and flirty. I forgot who the designer was though, oops.

And finally, 2009, I decided to invest in a Gucci bag. I have Louis Vuitton and a few Coach bags, but I love this Gucci bag. I like the cloth they use and their big leather handles. Plus my Louis Vuitton bag is a handle bag, so I can't put it on my shoulder, which gets annoying. And my bigger Coach bag is should bag, but I can't put as much stuff in it as I would like. So I will be purchasing this bag in the new year, there is no doubt about that.

Untitled

2008-12-07T11:53:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamed that you died
This isn't the first time that I had this dream
But this was the first time I didn't cry
I couldn't cry
Because isn't it true?
You died to me a while ago
Our tombstone reads 1984-1996
Beloved Father and daughter relationship
Daughter followed father everywhere
But that relationship ended
You controlled the relationship then
I was too young
The ball was in your court
You were the adult, who should have set the example
But now, that I'm an adult, I have decided to keep the relationship where it is
Dead
Dead to me
Dead to you
I tried to fix it
I tried to make amends
I tried to bring it back to life
But you did nothing
You didn't bother to help
You kept your distance
You don't even call
So when you died last night
In my sleep
It might as well be true
In life
In reality it is true
Because our relationship is dead
That of Father and daughter

The Coldest Winter Ever Movie?

2008-12-05T17:46:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I forgot to talk about this on Wednesday's blog. When I was at Barnes and Noble, listening to the wise words of Sister Souljah, she cleared up rumors about The Coldest Winter Ever movie. She said that years ago, when she was in D.C. at a conference she met up with Jada Pinkett Smith. And she had given Jada an advanced copy of the book. Jada told her that it had to be made in to a movie. They got in to contact with each other, this was like 8 or 9 years ago, maybe even right around the time the book came out. Anyways, HBO was interested and worked with Souljah and Jada to get a film made, that was just going to air on HBO. However, HBO ended up loosing interest, and Souljah had to buy the rights back of the film. She wanted to buy the rights back, because she owned the publishing rights to the book, so why should someone else own the rights to the film. Plus, HBO could have just made the movie without her, because they owned the rights at the time. She said that she had to pay up to $250,000 to get the rights back, and she did.

So now she owns the rights. She said people have come to her with offers and contracts to make it into a movie, but the right offer hasn't come along. She said that she can "read" and she reads all of the contracts that are brought to her, and if she doesn't like "one line" of that contract, then she's not signing it. But now, Jada has contacted her again about the movie, and they maybe talking very soon. Gosh, who would play Winter? Unfortunately the African American actresses to choose from are few and far between, especially of younger actresses. Souljah said that Winter's life in the book goes from when she was 13 to 18, and she ended it in jail, as we know. So who could play her? We don't have that many choices. Meagan Good? Who knows? I forgot to mention that in my last blog about Souljah. I'm on chapter 6 of the new book, and I keep waiting for Winter's name to come up, but I don't think its going to happen soon. Its not what you think, but it is damn good.

~ JB

2pac's Death Announced at Nas' Concert

2008-12-04T21:51:00.003-08:00

MTV Shows

Never saw this before and thought it was worth sharing for the people who were not there.

Incredibly Inspired

2008-12-03T21:41:00.000-08:00

This evening I had the pleasure of listening to an amazing woman. Ms. Sister Souljah! She was very inspirational, but of course you knew that ;) She read chapter one of her newest novel, Midnight: A Gangsta Love Story. Midnight's story is not what I think most reader's expect to read. You learn all about Midnight and his background, things you never knew. I think because us readers learned about Midnight from the eyes of Winter Santiaga we think of him in a different light. As a baller, a dealer, a paid man, a sexy tall mutha fucka. But he is silent throughout most of the novel. As Sister Souljah put it tonight, "Midnight is basically a stranger to everyone and yet all these women love him." She said that women have screamed and yelled at her, because its been 10 years since her last novel. And people have been waiting and waiting. She said, "I was living my life, what were you doing?" She said that originally, right after The Coldest Winter Ever, that she started writing The Adventures of Porsche Santiaga, Winter's younger sister. But after September 11th, she stopped writing it, although she was a little more than half way done with it. She just stopped and thought, "Does America want to read about another silly girl during this time?" She thought about finishing the novel, but looked around at America and at everything going on after 9/11.

I don't know about your states, but in New York, people started attacking any and everyone who they thought was Islamic, or Muslim. New Yorkers were so angry after 9/11, I know a lot of people were angry, but many New Yorkers were killing and attacking 7-11 workers and cab drivers. So anyways, Souljah thought about all these things, and decided to pick a different character from the novel. Midnight, she said, was from Sudan and he was Islamic. So this book is about his transition from Africa to New York and how different he thought. He actually hated America and black people in America. And he hated the fact that he was automatically associated with black people just because of his dark skin color. This is all with in the first chapter. Sister Souljah said that this is her absolute favorite book. I have studied black men in college, which I know sounds strange, but from the first chapter I think that this would be a good book to be studied in those sort of courses. Everything is from Midnight's eyes and his perspective is what a black man should be like, and not how they actually are in America. Sorry, if that came out wrong, because I give much respect to all the men that take care of their business. But this novel should be read by all most definitely. Black men can learn about how they should be, and how they should treat not only women but themselves and how they should carry themselves in public and to not act so ignorant to everything.

Sister Souljah talked a little bit about how society makes men act, i.e; Hip Hop/rappers and how black men are treated in the media. Midnight looks to his father and family as his "role models" and not to the rappers and the people who use the word Nigga in an ignorant manner. She said that although these characters are made up, from her imagination only, she has received much inspiration from people that she actually knows and has met. She said after working 15 years with young people, she understands them and their struggle. She said even though the characters are not real, they actually are real because Winter Santiaga is not just one person in the ghetto, but she is every girl in the ghetto that Souljah has come in contact with. She talked about everything from these two characters, Winter and Midnight. Not too many people asked questions about the characters, but more about how they can approach writing.

She definitely taught me some things which I can take back to the book that I am writing and it will help make it that much better. But I can't give away all the secrets. I just feel privileged to be able to listen to her speak in my lifetime, and to hear her thought process. She is quite the comedian.

All I will say about the Midnight book is that, it is not what you think, but you will learn more and appreciate him that much more because he is such a different character, than most of the stereotypical black characters in Urban novels. Oh and she signed my book and my Coldest Winter Ever, which I've had for 10 years.

~ JB

Tis' the Season

2008-11-30T19:40:00.000-08:00

This holiday season seems to have crept up a lot sooner than I expected. People already had their Christmas trees up by Thanksgiving, and as Black Friday approached, those same people were prepared to line up at the stores for those damn door busting deals by 4 a.m. People went nuts on Friday, and for what, great deals? A fucking present? A man was trampled in New York at a Walmart at 4:55 a.m. because the people were too damn impatient to wait for them to unlock the door. He died of a heart attack at the age of 34, see photo to the right. The police were there most of the morning, as the crowd of 2,000 waited all night to get in, and catch some deals. I didn't know Christmas was this serious. As much as I love shopping, there is nothing that can get me out the door before the crack of dawn to shop. That is insane. I sure hope the presents were worth a man's life. See the related stories below.

Not only that, but two men shot each other in California, inside of a Toys R Us store on Friday, over a toy. They were both fighting and arguing about it, and one man pulled out his piece, and so did the other man. Why would someone bring a gun to a children's toy store, unless they were planning on robbing it? See the news clip below, and I apologize for the commercial.

This time of year pisses me off so much. It actually makes me hate the way people act. I usually spend more time inside around the holidays. Avoiding the crowds is good for me. People are always ready to fight, over the stupidest thing, like a parking spot. Out here in California, holiday shopping is so serious. I don't know how it is anywhere else, but here and NYC, because I've shopped around Christmas in NYC too. Advertisers definitely got their money's worth this season, since people were out in packs. The traffic is so bad around this time of year too! There are 4 malls within a 2 mile radius from my house too, so it takes super long to get home from work. Every year seems to get worse and worse.

People are extra rude around this time of year. They yell at retailers demanding a better deal. They fight for spots in line. They fight for presents. I just don't understand what comes over people, and why they are so stressed out. If I like something, and I can't get it for whatever reason, I find something better. There is no need to argue with the manager, or fight whomever took the last one. That seems so incredibly silly to me. I thought the holidays was supposed to make people happier? I guess not. This year is more stressful than any other, and I think people were even more brutal on Friday because they HAD to have those deals. Possibly any other time a few bucks difference didn't really matter, but now it does. Times are hard, and that is understandable, but to take someone's life at this time of year, its not worth what you're saving. The holiday season, a time to be merry, brings out only the worse in people, and I look forward to staying home more often.

Happy Holidays

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/29/business/29walmart.html?_r=1&scp=
1&sq=Walmart&st=cse

http://www.nydailynews.com/money/2008/11/29/2008-
11-29_day_after_stampede__shopping_li_walmart_.html

http://www.freep.com/article/20081129
/NEWS07/811290333

Giving Thanks!

2008-11-28T09:50:00.001-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! I have so much to be thankful for this year, its not even funny. Although the economy is so crummy, I am thanking God right now for every moment I am breathing. I spent Monday in the ER and the last few days suffering from the worse pelvic pain of my life. Them damn ER doctors couldn't find shit wrong with me. I wasn't pregnant, they couldn't find anything on the ultrasound, Nothing! Nada! Yet I felt a lump the size of a miniature egg on my left side, and it was definitely near my ovary. I am so upset with the ER for so many reasons, and you better believe they will be hearing from me. So today was the only day I could get an appointment with an OBGYN. I'm going later today...however whatever was inside of me has dissipated. The egg shaped lump is gone, and I can actually feel where it was. I've been going crazy trying to diagnose myself, which is bad idea, just FYI. I thought maybe it was an ectopic pregnancy, which could still be the case, and maybe my body aborted it. Who knows...but today is the first day in almost two weeks that I don't have pelvic pain. I won't go into any more detail...

Any way, yesterday with my family was great. I love them so much! Family is the best! I got to see all my cousins and my grandparents and my aunts and uncles. Although I was in pain yesterday, seeing them made everything feel great! My grandmother made me a quilt, by hand, I have two others from her, but this one is special. The first one she gave me was when I was 12, and the second one was when I was 18. And now a brand new quilt. See my inserted photo. I love it so much. I slept with it last night, and I think it was the source of my healing. She made it by hand...that loving hand is what saved my life. Also, my so gracious aunt has agreed to send me and my beau on vacation! In August 2009, we're either going to spend our 7 year anniversary in Hawaii or Puerto Rico. She has a timeshare, and she always lets us use it. We went to Cancun, Cabo San Lucas and of course, the place where we first met, because his parents have the same timeshare, the Dominican Republic. So we have something to look forward to next year, even though its months away, I love vacations. Another reason to love family, all those cousins and aunts you haven't seen, love to give me money. Ummm yes, I did receive my B.A. last year, and no you didn't give me a gift, oh money, that works! Family is the best!

Something else to be so thankful for, I filled up my tank for only $20. Yes, $20, gas was only $1.99 a gallon. What! Crazy! I am so happy for that. Even though my job is only 2 miles away from home, I can save even more money. $15 less to fill up my tank!

Finally, the most important thing to be thank ful for. My beau and I went grocery shopping about a week ago, our regular routine, we always make sure our fridge is stocked. We cooked our own thanksgiving meal this year. Even though we went to my grandparents house in Palm Springs, we didn't have to take any left overs home. We made mac and cheese, ham, smoked turkey, mashed potatoes, yams, dressing, green beans and corn on the cobb. We also bought an Apple pie, my fave, from Marie Callendar's. I feel so lucky to have food and more importantly, to have money for food. This holiday season is going to rough for so many people. It won't be that easy for us, don't think we're big balling or anything. Instead of buying presents for each other, we are going to San Francisco, a place he has never seen, since he hails from NY, and a place I haven't been to in 10 years. We're going for Valentine's Day weekend. Staying at the Parc Fifty Five hotel located in Union Square. I'm so excited! Also, we're buying a brand new dresser for our bedroom. We need a bigger one. And that's it. Our little family, E, our pitbull Primo, and my two turtles. That's our family for now, and I love every mintue of life.

Hope you and yours can give thanks like I can. Happy Thanksgiving!

Recent Fashion Finds

2008-11-17T21:39:00.000-08:00

Every week I go online and look at clothes...that's just what I love to do. I don't think I discovered anything new here, to the left, because I've seen this Chanel dress on a few celebrities before, but that doesn't mean that I don't love it. Its so classic, the ruffled collar, the bow, the chiffon and silk, the satin belt and the satin bow tie...almost had a fashion orgasm...some of my other online finds below.

Some Manolo Blahnik peep toe, snake skin boots are to die for. I would so wear these...with dresses, a swim suit, anything. These shoes are oh so sexy. Lets see what else did I find....

What makes the below dress sexy is the variation in the color, as well as the neck line. I don't think wearing a v-neck or low cut dress all the time is sexy. The more mysterious you can be the sexier you are. This dress reminds me of being on vacation somewhere...but of course living in Los Angeles always feels like a vacation with our gorgeous weather. Could have gone swimming this weekend, the weather was so damn hot.

These are my fashion finds for the week, two classic yet sexy dresses and some sexy pumps. I could see myself owning all of these items. I'm just a fashion-a-holic...

Lakers' Andrew Bynum hopes to block out bigger role

2008-11-16T22:36:00.000-08:00

Lakers' Andrew Bynum hopes to block out bigger role - From the Los Angeles Times

Lakers center, averaging only 9.9 points per game, vows to become more assertive in the low post.

By Broderick Turner
November 17, 2008

The basketball hasn't come Andrew Bynum's way much in the first eight games.

He would like for that to change some.

Mostly, Bynum wants to change his approach when he does get the ball down low.

He figures that as the center for the Lakers, he can be more productive if he is more assertive.

"I really haven't been attacking, so I'm going to start attacking on the block," Bynum said. "Over all the games, I really haven't scored much on the block play."

Bynum is fifth on the team in scoring, averaging 9.9 points per game. Last season, before he got injured, Bynum averaged 13.1 points.

He has been a presence on defense, averaging three blocks per game, second-best in the NBA.

But his offense has been coming slow. He's getting only 8.25 shots per game.

"I'm just not being aggressive," Bynum said. "I think I need to go out there and be aggressive and assert myself on the block. I don't think I've even scored with a post move yet this season."

Most of Bynum's offense has come on screen-and-roll plays and lob passes.

He wants to become more of a force inside.

"So, I'm going to try to attack the basket a little bit more," Bynum said.

Forgotten man

Two seasons ago, Luke Walton was the starting small forward, his future looking bright enough that the Lakers rewarded him with a six-year, $30-million contract.

Two years later, Walton has become the forgotten man in the Lakers' deep, talented rotation. He is playing 3.7 minutes per game, fewest on the team.

Walton averaged 23.4 minutes last season, appearing in 74 games, averaging 7.2 points.

Now, he can't get in the rotation, and that pains Coach Phil Jackson.

"Luke is the one guy I worry about a little bit because he's going to have to stay in shape without playing himself into shape by practicing himself there, because there are minutes that could be available," Jackson said.

Injury update

Derek Fisher didn't participate in part of Sunday's practice because of injured ribs he suffered during Friday night's game against the Detroit Pistons.
Fisher had issues breathing and turning during practice, but he is expected to play against the Chicago Bulls on Tuesday night at Staples Center.

Vladimir Radmanovic suffered a left thigh contusion at the end of practice Sunday. His status is more uncertain.

If Radmanovic is not able to start Tuesday, Jackson said he is leaning toward starting Trevor Ariza at small forward.

Sasha Vujacic, who has a sprained right ankle, practiced Sunday.

Back to work

The Lakers were back at practice after having taken Saturday off.

They talked some about their defense -- or lack thereof -- in the 106-95 loss to the Pistons.

It was a day for conditioning, especially considering the Lakers will play five games in eight days starting Tuesday night.

"We got ourselves back in rhythm so we can shoot the ball," Jackson said.

The Lakers are making 44.2% of their field-goal attempts, something that is an issue for Jackson.

The coach said he does not have a theory on why the Lakers have shot the ball so poorly.

"No, I don't," Jackson said. "We talked a little bit about the rhythm of shots and comfort zone."

Turner is a Times staff writer. broderick.turner@latimes.com

The Story of Us

2008-11-15T22:20:00.000-08:00

In the December issue of Essence, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith interview each other and discuss their relationship, their love for each other and how it has changed over the last 11 years. They are the most sincere, honest and real couple that is out there in Hollywood. Young couples can only hope to achieve what the two of them have, in terms of unconditional love and true respect for one another. Some of my favorite quotes from the article:

Jada: …When man and woman come together, it’s all about creation. That’s our purpose in being together. We’ve created love, we’ve created a family, we create power and unity. We’re constantly changing. I think people get into the concept of being constant in their relationships. That’s a huge mistake because things are going to change. It doesn’t matter if you’re going forward or backward, you’re going to be moving.

I thought about all the things that Will and Jada said to each other, and of course I asked my significant other some questions. We always have discussions about what we want from life, and how are we achieving our goals. We try to make sure that we can help each other achieve our greatness by supporting one another. Its one thing to talk about what you’re doing in your relationship, and it’s another thing to actually do it. I think a lot of couples just exist. They’re together and even though they may love each other, eventually they stop showing their love. Having discussions about where your relationship is, and where its going. Life is all about the next steps, and people shouldn’t think they’ve reached their limit, even in their relationship. Marriage is not the end all. Although your relationship status may be at the limit of classification, your love for one another can continue to grow stronger, and it should grow stronger.

Jada said that, “you’ve got to create what you want in a relationship.” So I asked my man, E, what he wants from a relationship, and he said happiness.

ER: I just want to be happy. I want both of us to be happy. I want things in our lives to run smooth.

JB : That is life though…things don’t always run smooth

ER: But I want them to. I want you to be happy all the time.

JB: But I’m happy in our relationship all the time

ER: I am too. Relationship wise I couldn’t ask for anything more. I want a house and more money though. Everyday I’m thankful for everything that we have. I never thought I would have all of this or you for that matter, or your heart. I’m so happy to have you and be with you.

JB: People have to be happy on their own.

ER: Yeah, people have to be happy with themselves first. If you can’t be happy with yourself, then you can’t be happy with someone else.

JB: Do you think that happiness is missing in other relationships? Like people being happy with themselves and loving themselves

ER: Yeah

JB: Do you think in the beginning of our relationship, we had all of this happiness?

ER: I would say yes. I would say it was harder, because you were just getting over a relationship. For me, I was happy with myself. I had just reached that point of happiness with myself, so when we met, it just continued to help me even more.

JB: I think in the beginning, because I was coming out of a relationship, an abusive one, and I was only 18, that I was definitely not happy with myself. I really didn’t become happy with my self until a few years ago. I used to hate myself, because of what I went through before you. And as a teenager you’re always insecure. You were 25 when we met, so you just got through that point that I’m coming up to now. I’ll be 25 next year.

But because I wasn’t happy with me, I was more insecure in the beginning of our relationship, and I was still learning who I was.

ER: Yes. I knew that. What do you really want from me and this relationship? Because I’m simple…I just want happiness

JB: Honestly, I don’t know what I want. I want you, and that’s all.

ER: You have me, so what else? You confuse me, because sometimes you want to get married, sometimes you don’t, sometimes you want a big wedding, sometimes you want to just run off and elope. What do you want?

JB: I don’t want you to feel like, you have to buy my love, or just concentrate on my feelings so much. I’m an emotional creature, and I’m very indecisive. My mind goes everywhere all the time.

ER: Yes this is true.

JB: So, why can’t you decide for us? Since it’s so simple.

ER: I can, but I want it to be what you want. I can just go to court and get married and be happy. To me its not a big deal, it’s for us.

JB: So, if we do that, then we have more money to spend on my ring.

ER: LOL! And how about the honeymoon!

JB: Yes, I want to go to Italy for a month. Rent a house and travel around the country. But, we’re not talking about marriage. We’re talking about our relationship. We already know what the next step is going to be. So what about your love for me? How has it changed?

ER: I don’t think it really has. It just got deeper, because I love you unconditionally. You try to make me angry sometimes, like when you want to pick a fight. And I don’t fight; I don’t get upset that easily with you.

JB: I pick fights because that is my nature.

ER: Well change it

JB: I don’t like where this conversation is going. You’re supposed to love me for me, picking fights and all. Can we get back on track now? So your love hasn’t changed for me?

ER: Like I said it’s gotten deeper and stronger, even though I fell in love instantly with you.

JB: My love for you was so strong in the beginning that I don’t know how much stronger it can get. Actually I’m scared what will happen if it gets any stronger. What do you think has kept us together for all these years? These difficult age years, not difficult as in you and me, but tough times in our age groups, with me in college, and you entering your late 20’s, most people are just finding themselves and not really in serious relationships. I feel like I had to grow up a lot faster than maybe I should have, but I’ve always been old for my age…it’s the only child syndrome, especially with a single parent.

ER: I think what made us last this long is our understanding of each other, and where we’re at. We discuss things, and talk about things. We try to be open and honest with each other. Neither one of us are afraid to tell our feelings to each other. We understand reality, as opposed to all that other bullshit. I think that helped us out. Including how much we care and love one another.

JB: I always think that other people’s relationships are strange, because it’s not ours. What do you think about that?

ER: It’s hard to understand other people’s relationships, when they fight and argue about stupid shit. They get jealous and worry about what the other one is doing all the time. Its like are they really worried about the other person, or are they just insecure about themselves? It’s not really because I’m older that I feel that way, because you feel that way to.

JB: So you’re saying we have unconditional trust too.

ER: Yeah. I’m just more concerned with you being safe; I’m not worried about you messing around with another guy. That happened to me before, and you know how I felt in those other relationships, and what I would do if you ever cheated. I told you from the beginning that you’re stuck with me for ever. You always get off for a crime of passion.

JB: That is terrible. Don’t say that you’ll kill me if I cheat on you. I would leave you if you cheated, but I don’t even want to think about it.

ER: I couldn’t even think about trying to cheat on you. It wouldn’t be an option. One, I’m not that type of person anyways, Two it’s too much work, I can’t hide and sneak around and worry about people calling me. All the stress, I’d give myself a heart attack. And then I wouldn’t be able to sleep, and I wouldn’t be able to look at you in the face. I can’t lie to you as it is.

JB: I can’t lie to you either, even when I try to keep things from you, I always tell you. I can’t keep a secret to save my life. I love you and what we have too much to cheat on you. It’s not worth it.

ER: No its not. We’ve been through too much to cheat now. And you keep me satisfied, so I don’t need anyone else.

JB: That’s right. What about the rumor of no sex after marriage? Do you think that is true?

ER: No, not for us.

JB: But we’re not married

ER: It better not happen

JB: I think we’re both addicted to sex with each other.

ER: I’m definitely addicted

JB: So how do you think our wedding would be? I just feel like the universe would explode on that day. Just because of our intense feelings for each other. I still get butterflies when you’re next to me. And I get so excited when you come from work, but I try to hide it sometimes, because I don’t want you to think I’m a dork.

ER: Well, I know you’re a dork. I still get excited when I come home or when you come home. For our wedding, no matter what we do, I think it will be the best day of our life.

JB: Sometimes, I get afraid of just letting go. You know how controlling I can be. What can you do to help me to relax and let go?

ER: I don’t know what I can do. You need to be relaxed and take it easy. You should just let it go. All the holding back should be gone by now

JB: But I like to control things

ER: You gotta let go sometime. If you don’t let go sometime, you’ll never experience the fullness of happiness and love

JB: I’ll work on it…it will be my New Year’s Resolution. So far I’ve held up to my other one. To love myself more

ER: Yes you have. And I can tell the difference

JB: Oh yeah, how?

ER: Just in your attitude, not anything negative. Just your attitude at work and when you’re out.

JB: What is your advice, now that it’s been 6 years, for other couples who are just starting out?

ER: Just to be honest with themselves and with each other. If it’s not working, you might as well not be in it. If you’re just in a relationship to be in it, you might as well not waste your time. You also need trust. You have to trust one another. If I didn’t trust you I would go crazy. People are afraid to walk away, just because they want to stay in a relationship. If you really didn’t love me or care for me, then we wouldn’t be here. I’m too old for that; you might as well be by yourself. People need to listen to their hearts.

JB: I totally agree with you. There are way too many people that get trapped in a relationship that has no love, just comfort. That is why the divorce rate is so damn high. I think that is my main problem with marriage. It’s all the people that get married, just because. Just because it’s the thing to do.

ER: And that is why we’re not in a rush. To me, the whole wedding thing is a show. We know how much we love each other.

JB: You’re talking about the wedding, I’m talking about what happens afterwards

ER: But people get married for the show, the wedding, not for one another. That is where the problem is.

JB: My advice is to take time and get to know yourself first. Think about you first before you can worry about any one else. You have to be able to love yourself…all of yourself first. I can’t stress that enough.

Read the Essence article of Will and Jada interviewing each other….its good!

Los Angeles Lakers' first loss of the season

2008-11-15T13:30:00.000-08:00

I almost cried last night, when the Lakers lost to the Pistons 106-95. I can't believe they lost...but what upset me more was the fact that I missed the damn game. Shit! I missed everything. I know that the East Coast teams play much more aggressively than the West Coast ones, but I would have loved to watch the game. Instead, I spent the evening shopping...damn! By the time I caught the game at the bar, they were down by 12 at the end of the 3rd quarter. I don't know what it is with the Lakers and the East Coast teams but they can never seem to get their defense up. Instead they get defeated so easily. Plus, the Pistons have A.I. now...and I used to L-O-V-E him! Especially when he was running thangs with the 76ers... But now he's trying it out with Detroit after they traded with Billups on the Nuggets.

So, since I didn't get to watch the game, I have to watch the highlights to see how poorly they played. And I can read about what happened on the Lakers running diary...you can too...however its not my words so it may not be as exciting ;) F.Y.I. I'm starting a fantasy Basket Ball Team next season...and I'm dying to go see the Celtics vs. Lakers on X-mas day...but I don't think my grandma would appreciate it.

Lakers - Pistons Running Diary

Published by Mike Trudell on November 14, 2008 in In-Game and Running Diary

In tonight’s matchup between the new-look (translation: A.I.) Detroit Pistons and the Lakers, five players remain from the 2004 NBA Finals won by the team from Motown. Can you name ‘em?

Kobe, Luke Walton, Rasheed Wallace, Rip Hamilton and Tayshaun Prince. Even with Kobe, we’ll give the Pistons a slight edge there due to numbers.

But which of the rest do we like?

A) Pau Gasol, Andrew Bynum, Lamar Odom, Derek Fisher, Jordan Farmar, Trevor Ariza, Sasha Vujacic … etc
B) Allen Iverson, Jason Maxiell, Rodney Stuckey, Arron Afflalo, Will Bynum, Kwame Brown

Gonna go with B on that one.

Wait, can I take that back? I’m never betting against Kobe, especially when he needs just three points to pass Larry Bird on the all-time scoring list.

Your ever-important inactives:
Lakers - DJ Mbenga, Sun Yue
Pistons - Walter Sharpe

And your starters:
Lakers: Fish, Kobe, Vladi, Pau and Bynum
Pistons: AI, Richard Hamilton, Tayshaun Prince, Rasheed Wallace and Kwame Brown

First Quarter
Slow down, Detroit … The Pistons were unconscious to start the game, making six consecutive jumpers to claim a 12-2 lead before Bryant and Gasol combined for five straight points. Though allowing some good looks on those six Pistons Js, L.A.’s defense re-organized well in shutting down five straight possessions, highlighted by a swat from Bynum, the NBA’s second-leading shot blocker. Yet it was on the offensive glass that Bynum made an even bigger impression, grabbing three boards on that end that helped push L.A. to within three at 12-9 after Bynum showed his sticky fingers in catching a tough lob pass from Bryant and immediately laying it off glass to cap a 7-0 run at the 5:48 mark.

Bryant Passes Bird
The run increased to 12-0 thanks to two big slams from Bryant, the first of which gave him 21,791 points to tie Bird, and the second (which, by the way, came when he was approximately 56 feet in the air to throw down a one-handed alley-oop) that put him at No. 23 on the all-time scoring list. Congrats, Kobe, even though you’re probably happier that the game turned from 2-12 to 14-12 in a manner of minutes.

Radmanovic is struggling with his shot right now, missing his third straight attempt from mid-range, and was pulled from the game along with Gasol and Fisher in favor of Odom, Farmar and Ariza. Most notable with Jackson’s substitution, however, was the huge roar from the crowd when the subs checked in. Clearly, it’s a knowledgeable fan base that can appreciate how well L.A.’s second unit has been playing this season.

So, to start the game you have a 10-0 run by the Pistons, a 12-0 run by the Lakers, and then … guess what … an 11-4 Pistons run to close the quarter. The final four points came on two pretty Iverson buckets, the first a pull-back J from the baseline and the second a supremely athletic floater from the lane to beat the buzzer and give Detroit a 23-16 edge.

Second Quarter
Is somebody giving the Lakers salary bumps for taking contested perimeter jumpers? The offense was the opposite of Justin Timberlake and Lance Bass’ group to start the second quarter, allowing Detroit to go up by 12 before Farmar and Ariza hit consecutive shots at the rim to make it 28-20 Pistons. The defense, meanwhile, seemed content to let Wallace launch three uncontested threes from the top of the key, the final of which gave Detroit a 33-20 lead before Gasol’s baseline baby hook.

Here’s one problem: the Lakers are still struggling to hit shots, as in 7-for-22 (31.8 percent). Oucch! The Pistons, meanwhile, nailed an impressive 11-of-19 in the first, and that was before two more Wallace threes and two Stuckey hoops at the rim. Also, to refer back to the pregame entry on this blog, Detroit has certainly had success with that small lineup I was curious to see before the game. The Pistons simply spread the Lakers out defensively, and moved the ball until getting a good look, not even attempting to penetrate the defense with Stuckey’s drives being the notable exceptions. Jackson countered with a small lineup of Gasol at the four and Ariza at the three, though it didn’t help much as Arron Afflalo canned a jumper and Jason Maxiell followed a Stuckey miss with a two-handed slam to make it 45-34 Pistons with 5:46 remaining in the half.

To that point, I think it was fair to say that L.A.’s second unit got outplayed, and maybe for the first time this season.

Except for Ariza. First came a pretty steal in transition leading to a Bryant hoop, then a put-back jam on Gasol miss to cut the lead back to seven. Ariza is the rare player that almost literally contributes in every statistical category, but also does the little things. Plus, it’s hard to remember the last time he made a stupid play. I’ll now stop giving him compliments … it’s starting to get weird.

About 30 seconds later … Ariza threw the ball right to Iverson. That’s on me. At least he hustled back, contested a shot and sealed a rebound. That makes me feel less responsible. At the other end, Bryant drew a foul and converted to make the score 49-40, though Bryant does seem content to shoot jumpers right now instead of attacking the rim, other than those two early dunks.

For Detroit, Prince seemed content to shoot jumpers as well, until getting all the way to the rim after a Bryant turnover for his 11th point, joining AI and Wallace in double figures for Detroit. Kobe did manage the half’s last bucket, but the Lakers hit only 41 percent of their shots while Detroit was good on nearly 60 percent (56.1) to take a 53-44 lead into the break.

“Unexpected” is probably a fair adjective in describing L.A.’s nine-point deficit in terms of what one might have predicted heading into the contest. Yet after watching the action, L.A.’s probably lucky to be within single digits. After all, the Lakers were stagnant on offense, unable to adjust defensively to a small Pistons lineup and generally listless from an effort perspective. Yet to a degree, you have to give Detroit credit for nailing almost each one of its open looks, which is something the Hornets failed to do at home on Wednesday, and Dallas couldn’t do Tuesday against L.A.

In that game against the Mavs, the Lakers trailed by six at halftime after struggling offensively for much of the first half, but came back to dominate the second half 52-39 in taking the victory. There’s that, plus the fact that the Lakers have gone on at least one big run in each game this season. Even against a Pistons team that’s playing quite well, it’s fair to expect a purple and gold charge in the second half. You have to think the Lakers will buckle down defensively and start playing with more purpose offensively, though Iverson, Wallace and Co. have yet to show any wear in their legs from Tuesday night’s contest.

By the way, after sticking four threes and scoring 18 points on Wednesday, Fisher was 0-for-7 in the first half without an assist, while Bryant was just 5-of-13 and Vladi 0-of-3. Odom (3-of-3), Gasol (4-of-6) and Ariza (3-for-5) shot well. L.A. committed eight turnovers (pretty good) but hit only one three, to four from the Pistons.

Third Quarter
If the Lakers can come out with a nice run, we’ll be able to see pretty quickly if the Pistons have the energy to match it. That’s for what I’ll be looking early, anyways.

The first sniff of positivity from the Lakers faithful came understandable after Bryant undressed Prince with a crossover dribble, cut to the hoop and threw down a left-handed jam to cut the Detroit lead to five. Moments earlier, Fisher had connected on consecutive jumpers, a good sign after the veterans first half struggles.

But the Pistons showed some veteran mettle of their own by answering with a Prince jumper and free throws to push the lead right back to nine. So, L.A.’s first punch was answered with a body shot. Watch out for the next swing…

At the 4:45 mark, the first sign of other-worldly intervention filtered into the arena when ‘Sheed threw up a prayer three, and the backboard answered his call to put Detroit up by 12, and that with one second left on the shot clock after a pretty Bynum swat.

By the 1:49 point of the third, Detroit called a time out while holding the basketball and that same 12-point lead, and the crowd was probably as quiet as I’ve heard this season. But the general NBA rule is that you want to be within 10 entering the fourth quarter … so come on, it’s not like you’re Paris Hilton and Saks 5th isn’t accepting American Express Black cards due to a technical disruption. At the same time, what’s not good for the Lakers is that they’ve allowed a veteran team to stay in a ballgame towards which they now only have to give 12 minutes, eliminating any chance of a mental allowance from the Pistons that might have occurred with better early play from L.A.

Wait a second, Paris, the machine really isn’t working. Uh oh. With 18 seconds remaining in the third, Arron Afflalo followed a Hamilton layup with a corner three that gave Detroit a 15-point lead heading into the final period. The game’s long from over, but that five-point swing was exactly what the Lakers needed to prevent.

Fourth Quarter
An even worse omen to the evening came when Kwame Brown not only made both free throws to open the quarter, but banked the first one in. One of those nights? Too many perimeter jumpers, poor defensive rotations and some bad luck combined to dig a hole out of which the Lakers will have trouble climbing, but I wouldn’t count ‘em out just yet.

The lineup at the beginning of the period: Bynum, Odom, Vujacic, Bryant and Farmar. I like that Sasha’s in the game here, because he’s probably been the fieriest of Lakers tonight, and L.A. certainly needs some fire.

On cue, Vujacic hassled Stuckey into a jump ball on a routine inbounds play, and though he lost the tip, grabbed a defensive board at the other end (even as he turned his ankle) which led to two Bynum free throws and an 83-71 score with 7:20 to go. That ankle tweak, however, was his right ankle, good news only because the one that he’d hurt in training camp was his left.

The game’s most influential sequence to that point came when Bynum missed a dunk opportunity from Bryant (the timing was juuuust off) and Prince nailed a three at the other end, making what would have been an 11-point game into a 16-point Pistons lead with 6:40 to go.

Bryant then missed consecutive jumpers, Wallace converted two free throws with 5:30 left and Hamilton hit two from the stripe after a frustrated Odom reaching foul to make the climb back just a bit less daunting than a staring contest with Jack.

Kobe, who had made only 7-of-23 shots to start the game, quickly scored eight points* (including two triples) and swatted rip Hamilton to bring L.A. within 14 with 3:00 to go, but Detroit came right back in transition with a Wallace dunk that proved the final nail in L.A.’s coffin.
That moved Bryant past Gary Payton for 22nd on the NBA’s all-time scoring charts, after he passed Larry Bird earlier in the game.

So after 18 days of relative bliss around Los Angeles, the Lakers finally dropped a game, and fell to 7-1 on the season. They’ll have a long weekend to think about the loss before the Bulls come to town on Tuesday, which probably isn’t great news for Chicago.

Stay tuned for postgame coverage on Lakers.com, and have a good one.

NBA Season Standings - Lakers are still # 1 in the West and those damn Celtics are # 1 in the East...Fuck em'

2008-2009 Conference Regular Season Standings
Eastern Conference
Eastern	W	L	PCT	GB	CONF	DIV	HOME	ROAD	L 10	STREAK
Boston¹	8	2	0.800	0.0	6-1	1-0	5-1	3-1	8-2	L 1
Cleveland²	7	2	0.778	0.5	5-1	4-0	5-0	2-2	7-2	W 6
Atlanta³	6	2	0.750	1.0	4-2	1-0	2-0	4-2	6-2	L 2
Detroit⁴	7	2	0.778	0.5	4-2	1-0	2-1	5-1	7-2	W 3
Orlando⁵	6	3	0.667	1.5	3-1	1-1	4-2	2-1	6-3	W 2
New York⁶	6	3	0.667	1.5	3-2	0-1	4-1	2-2	6-3	W 2
Miami⁷	5	4	0.556	2.5	3-2	1-1	4-1	1-3	5-4	W 1
Toronto⁸	4	4	0.500	3.0	3-4	1-2	1-2	3-2	4-4	L 2
Indiana	4	4	0.500	3.0	3-3	0-2	3-2	1-2	4-4	L 1
Milwaukee	5	5	0.500	3.0	2-4	0-2	2-2	3-3	5-5	W 2
Philadelphia	4	5	0.444	3.5	3-4	2-1	2-2	2-3	4-5	W 2
Chicago	4	5	0.444	3.5	1-5	1-2	4-2	0-3	4-5	W 1
New Jersey	3	5	0.375	4.0	3-3	0-0	2-3	1-2	3-5	W 1
Charlotte	3	5	0.375	4.0	1-4	1-0	3-3	0-2	3-5	W 1
Washington	1	6	0.143	5.5	0-6	0-2	1-2	0-4	1-6	L 1
Western Conference
Western	W	L	PCT	GB	CONF	DIV	HOME	ROAD	L 10	STREAK
L.A. Lakers¹	7	1	0.875	0.0	7-0	2-0	3-1	4-0	7-1	L 1
Utah²	6	3	0.667	1.5	5-0	3-0	4-0	2-3	6-3	L 2
New Orleans³	5	3	0.625	2.0	3-1	0-0	3-2	2-1	5-3	W 1
Phoenix⁴	7	3	0.700	1.0	4-2	1-0	2-2	5-1	7-3	W 1
Portland⁵	5	4	0.556	2.5	3-4	1-1	3-0	2-4	5-4	L 1
Houston⁶	5	4	0.556	2.5	5-3	2-1	2-1	3-3	5-4	L 1
Denver⁷	5	4	0.556	2.5	3-3	0-1	2-1	3-3	5-4	W 1
Sacramento⁸	4	6	0.400	4.0	4-2	2-1	3-2	1-4	4-6	L 1
San Antonio	3	5	0.375	4.0	2-3	1-1	2-3	1-2	3-5	W 1
Golden State	3	6	0.333	4.5	2-4	0-1	2-3	1-3	3-6	L 1
Memphis	3	7	0.300	5.0	2-4	0-1	2-2	1-5	3-7	L 4
Dallas	2	7	0.222	5.5	2-4	1-1	0-4	2-3	2-7	L 5
Minnesota	1	6	0.143	5.5	1-6	0-2	1-2	0-4	1-6	L 6
L.A. Clippers	1	7	0.125	6.0	1-7	0-3	1-5	0-2	1-7	L 1
Oklahoma City	1	8	0.111	6.5	1-2	1-1	1-4	0-4	1-8	L 6

Sister Souljah is coming to LA

2008-11-13T18:03:00.000-08:00

Hello all of you Coldest Winter Ever fans, Sister Souljah will be coming to my wonderful city, Los Angeles. She will be at Barnes and Noble, on Fairfax & 3rd, at the Grove shopping center, on December 3rd. She is having a discussion, on her new book, Midnight and talking about Coldest Winter Ever, and she will be signing copies. I will be there front and center on December 3rd, at 7:30 pm.

I am so excited to hear her speak about these characters who were apart of my adolescence. And I'm exciting to have her sign my books. I don't know what I'm going to ask, but I have a couple of weeks to think about it. Any ideas?

~ JB

This Week

2008-11-05T18:26:00.000-08:00

This was one of the longest and busiest weeks ever. I was at the polls at 7 am on Tuesday to vote and spent the day watching CNN on my cell phone and nervously pacing in my mind about the outcome of the day. I wasn't concerned about Obama, I knew he would be elected President, I was more nervous about the propositions in California, and their affects on my pocket. However, when Obama was elected, I was in the kitchen feeding the dog, and CNN showed 207 electoral votes for Obama, he was just shy of winning, and my phone rang. It was my mom screaming that he won, he won he had 297 electoral votes. But how was that possible, they just closed the polls in California not even a minute before. So how could he have won? And then I called my aunt, who was in tears. "Never in my 56 years would I have imagined we would have a black president...I'm so happy, I don't know what to do..." And then I called my 84 year old grandmother, who was also in tears. During this whole election process, the fact that he was black never crossed my mind. I listened to his speeches and his debates, and I wasn't concerned about his race. I was concerned about his policies, and what he could do for our country.

An although I was and still am a little skeptical on exactly what Obama can do for our country, especially in the state that its in now. The whole time I thought that people were putting too much faith in Obama, looking at him like he is a superhero, there are photos of him in a superman costume all over West Hollywood, and he is not a superhero, he is just a man. And then I started thinking of him like he was Harvey Dent from The Dark Knight, yet he was the White Knight, turned in to Two Face in my mind. However, when I saw him on that stage, I started crying too. It was a cry of relief, gratitude and happiness. Overwhelming happiness, and as I saw the faces of everyone in Chicago, in the audience I was in shock. Shocked by the fact that his supporters were happy, not only because he won, but because it was the biggest step in this country that this country has made towards anti-discrimination, towards being non-racist. When he gave his speech and he told America that he would do all he could, but it might take longer than 4 years, I was relieved. I think too many people had false hopes, and once he was elected everything would instantly get better. That is not the case, and there is no way that any one person, president or not can fix what has been done instantly. I'm glad that he set realistic goals but I hope that everyone understands them. I am happy and relieved that he was made president, and not that other guy. I know that this country will never erase the color lines so to speak, because as we were flipping through the channels of CNN, MSNBC, Fox News and ABC....People's main concerns were the fact that history was made with the first black president. The issues and policies went out the window because he is black. And while watching the oh so racist Fox News, a reporter who was at a party at the Century Plaza talked about how he smelled Marijuana in the air. I don't understand what or why he would say that, whether it was true or not, but there were a lot of black people there, celebrating president-elect Obama, so of course there much have been weed in the air. Whenever you get a group of black people together, weed is inevitably going to be smoked, right?

Some other reporters were climbing under the table, as if they needed to hide from what happened, and I don't understand what they were hiding from. Other reporters were rolling their eyes, and looked like they wanted to walk off the set in anger. I don't know what is going to happen in the next few years, but people are going to have to accept the fact that we have a black president now. He may not be the person that some people wanted, but he is what America needs right now. America needs stability in these uncertain times, and America needs someone who actually cares about the people.

To hear his whole speech, click here: http://beatcartelmusic.blogspot.com/2008/11/barack-obama-elected-president-speeches.html

Now, back to California, it took until the next day to find out what state propositions passed and didn't pass. Prop 9 passed...the Victims Rights Act the one I wanted no against passed, because people don't read the facts, and there were no HUGE advertisements on television against it. No one cared, they just read the title and thought oh well we want victim's to have rights, so Yes on 9. Idiots! And it makes me nervous, because these people voted for Obama too. So now, the 2039 date that my cousin could be up for parole may not happen, and he could never get out, even on good behavior. And even though he teaches classes in jail, and reads and works there, he is going to be there forever. I don't know what to say, I haven't written him a letter yet but I will drop one in the mail later today. Another prop that didn't pass, but should have was Prop 5. Five offered rehabilitation to non-violent drug offenders instead of just sending them to jail, and offered rehab to minors who are caught with drugs. People won't have a criminal record just because of their addiction. However, once again Californians misinterpreted this one, and voted No on 5. Even police officers and firefighters wanted Yes on 5, because it makes sense and helps with California's overcrowded prisons. Why put someone in jail when you can help them overcome an addiction?

And of course there is prop 8, the one that amended the constitution to allow same-sex couples to marry. I think there was a lot of confusion with this proposition as well. A yes vote meant you were against amending the constitution for same-sex couples to marry. A no vote meant you wanted same-sex couples to marry, and have all the rights as other married couples in California. So when people heard it passed, Yes - 52% No- 48%, people celebrated at first, but didn't understand that the passing meant same-sex couples had no rights in California. There were protesters for two days, causing traffic on our major streets in Los Angeles, they marched from Sunset down Crescent Heights, down Santa Monica, all the way to Westwood in front of the Mormon church. People got into fights, pulled people out of cars and blocked traffic for hours. The biggest problem is same-sex couples were granted the right to marry earlier this year, and over thousands of ceremonies were held over the summer and even weeks leading up to the election day. So that is how everything went down over here....and now we wait until Inauguration Day.

Election Day

2008-11-03T18:11:00.000-08:00

The countdown to election day is over...in 13 hours, PST, I will be waiting in line to vote. 7am sharp, since my polling place is conveniently located next door. I've had butterflies in my stomach all day, and I almost threw up earlier. I'm so nervous. Not for tomorrow, but for the next 4 years. Everything that is determined tomorrow will no doubt shape all of our futures. My American Dream will be hanging in the balance of the American people. But not just my dreams, the hopes and dreams of all people will be determined. I have a few things to say regarding tomorrow:

Just about everyone says that tomorrow is the single most important election of our time, and I agree, however shouldn't every election be just as important. In four years we'll be going through the same thing again. The thing that concerns me the most is how much faith people have put in the political figures running tomorrow, the main heads, McCain and Obama. I'm afraid that people will be disappointed, and not just based on who is elected tomorrow, but based on what they can actually do once they get in to office. It takes a while for people to understand what happens during the election process. I don't know what people think about who they choose, but in my opinion neither candidate can make the changes that they are promising. Our economy may stabilize in the next few months, but the damage that has been done has repercussions that most are unaware of, even my self. I've never been one to have faith, and maybe that's my problem, but I don't understand putting all of your beliefs in one person and then being disappointed afterwards.

I know many people believe that Obama will save us, that he will ensure change in America, but how much can he really do? I know that when Bush was elected he moved very quickly through the system and made decisions without Congress and the UN's approval. He just kept going until finally they stopped him, but by then it was too late, hence Afghanistan's quick invasion. I don't think Obama is going to be able to move that quick through the system, and I can guarantee that he may never get the respect that he deserves. I'm not saying that I'm choosing McCain over Obama, it's just that I don't want people to get disappointed. I have listened to all the debates, and the speeches while they have been campaigning, and I don't think McCain will do a better job as our president either. And that is what makes me the most nervous. Neither candidate is prepared for the job that is ahead of them, and yet the American people have to run out to the polls and do their patriotic duty to throw someone to the wolves and expect them to survive without preparation or knowledge for that matter.

Another scary thing for me is the fact that by the time I get home from work, due to my location, the president will be pretty much decided on. I don't want to hear any news all day tomorrow, and I am going early in the morning, hoping that my vote will at least count. However there are already issues at polling places in California. Forget about Florida and Ohio for the moment, but they are telling Californians that even though 100 people may be registered to vote at a certain polling place, that doesn't mean they will have 100 ballots. They are already predicting that they will run out of ballots, and have to switch to emergency ballots, which they may run out of. I'm telling everyone right now to vote as early as you can tomorrow Nov. 4, 2008, because lord only knows what will happen. Tomorrow is going to be a very scary and strange day.

Happy voting and we can only hope for the best, because no matter who will be elected the next four years are going to be extremely long. I'm just too afraid to put all of my beliefs in one person, I have to continue doing what I'm doing and working towards my goals, so I'm not let down by the results. I'll have more to say tomorrow after work.

Don't forget to vote Nov. 4th!

Prop 9 i.e. Victims Rights Act of 2008

2008-10-25T20:22:00.000-07:00

Summary of what Prop 9 is from the voter information guide

- Requires notification to crime victims and gives them an opportunity for input from the victim and their families during almost all phases of the criminal justice process

- Victim’s safety is taken in to consideration when determining bail or release on parole.

- Allows more people to attend and testify on behalf of victims at parole hearings

- Reduces the number of parole hearings for each prisoner.

- Requires victims to receive written notification of their constitutional rights

- Establishes time lines concerning parole revocation hearings

In 1982 Prop 8 a.k.a. “Victim’s Bill of Rights” was passed and already made all of the above true in California. This new proposition only reiterates laws that already passed with minor changes and a hidden agenda. When Prop 8 passed, it amended the constitution and other state laws to allow crime victims the right to be notified of, to attend and to state their views at the sentencing and parole hearings of criminals. Prop 8 also established the right of crime victims to obtain restitution from anyone who committed the crime that caused them to suffer a loss.

Now, Prop 9 is disguised to expand the victim’s rights by offering the below:

Crime victims would have the right to 1) prevent the release of certain confidential information about them (which they can do now) 2) refuse to be interviewed at the pretrial stage (which they can do now) 3) protection from harm from other accused individuals (which they get protection now) 4) the return of property which is no longer needed for evidence (which I wouldn’t want my shit back, especially in a murder case) 5) “finality” meaning the final decision made at the hearing (which they can find out now)

Even in the official voter guide there is a note that reads (some of the above rights now exist in statue). The only one I couldn’t find while searching online was the returned evidence items.

Another alleged expansion of this law, which is already in place, states the constitution would be changed to specify the safety of a victim must be taken into consideration by judges in setting bail. Why wouldn’t the judge take the victim and their families in to consideration, especially when they are sitting in the room when the bail/parole is being set? The judge can not ignore the fact that the crime victims are there and I’m sure they play a factor in their decision making.

With California’s overcrowding system, you would assume that the state would go back to their original plans and thoughts regarding earlier release of inmates. Under this new initiative, lifers would be expected to spend life in prison. The state constitution gives a release date to all lifers who were sentenced with a possibility of parole. For instance, my cousin’s date of possible release is 2039. Giving lifers who have a chance of parole that date not only gives them something to strive for and better themselves, but also allows them to redeem themselves. What is worse, knowing your fate, or being given a chance to change it? We are all destined to die, that is apart of life, but we have the opportunity to decide what we do with our fate. When someone is incarcerated the rest of their lives are decided for them, inmates loose that choice that was given to all human beings. A parole possibility gives inmates another chance to change that fate of LIFE in prison. This new measure wouldn’t even give lifers a release date. The average annual cost to incarcerate an inmate is about $46,000, and due to the overcrowding other facilities in prisons like gymnasiums are being used for beds. When a lifer goes up in front of the board, and is denied, they have one year before they can go up again. Under this new measure, they would have to wait 3-15 years, and what is hidden under that is it would be closer to 15 years, no matter what their prison behavior has been.

The only thing that I agree with under this proposition is so minuscule that a new law doesn’t have to be passed for the change to take place, and that is the notification of victims. Currently, victims are notified 30 days before an inmate is released, Prop 9 suggests 90 days. Notifying victims and/or their families is a good thing.

I truly believe that since California legislators received so much shit for their thoughts of releasing prisoners early, their only other option is to build more prisons, in order to deal with the overcrowding. How can they expect to build more prisons when they can’t even get the state budget approved?

The prison system has proposed to take away the only privileges inmates have. They’ve already been forced to use extra space for beds, but now they are going to cut educational/vocational services, conjugal visits and all other rehabilitation programs. It is necessary to rehabilitate prisoners and there are numerous amounts of studies about how important it is. Rehabilitation prepares the inmates for the world again, why would we want to cut those programs, and then let the prisoners out into society, and expect them to function. Many, without rehabilitation, will end up in prison again. Incarceration – Rehabilitation = Incarceration

Many of the state’s school’s furniture is made by inmates, that is all apart of their vocational training, if they take that away what will happen over time when schools need more furniture. The way I see it is, the money paid by the taxpayers, including the money saved by cutting all these programs, will help the state to come up with their funds to build more prisons. There has to be a better way without cutting rehabilitation.

I know it may be hard for some to view prisoners as people, but they are, many made mistakes, were wrongfully accused and they have and will pay for their mistakes in most cases. But at least allow them a second chance, the state already does by giving them a release date for parole. These inmates have families too, just like the victims, and should have a fair chance to survive. Cutting those rehabilitation programs will ensure that they cannot survive once released, if they are released. I haven’t seen any commercials for or against this proposition, so I know most people are clueless about it, as I was.

Voting yes on Prop 9 is not only stupid, but unnecessary, because the victims already have these rights. Voting yes on 9 will only eliminate the rights of inmates, and haven’t they lost enough rights?

Read over your voter guide, go online and educate yourself on Prop 9 and all the other propositions, because November 4^th is just around the corner. Be informed and vote No on 9.

http://www.votenoprop9.com/facts.html

When my soul cries

2008-10-24T19:14:00.001-07:00

By Raheem Ballard aka Bernard Ballard (my cousin)

When my soul cries does anyone care if apart of me dies?
Sometimes I wonder if there's anyone willing to stare into these eyes

Shameless they are they stand in a world of their own, what makes it so hard to lend me a hand from your throne?
Maybe I'm too low to reach from that place which you rise
Another peaceful sun sets, and another part of me dies

The blood of my blood, from the loins of "John" we all came
From the mud to the resurrection, will you even remember my name?

Has the blacksheep been plagued in another chapter of the blackbook?
Foreknown by those who grin but despair as they look

Lest I return am I just a burden thats better off less said?
Sojourn with me in this realm of the awaking living dead

Maybe I'm too low to reach from that place which you rise
Is it my face you see in the last generations demise?
Does anyone care if apart of me dies?

Can you fathom the innermost tears of a man when his soul cries?

Written - 11/28/2005

"John" - referred to in the 3rd paragraph was our "great grandfather" who was a slave who married Flora Ann.

Vote no on Prop 9 - Californians

2008-10-24T19:13:00.001-07:00

Dear Jill,

Hello & How are you cousin? As usual I hope this letter reaches you in good spirits. I tried calling you about a week or so ago. Did you get my voice mail? I think I tried calling back in the morning too. (But I got no answer) I was however able to get through to your dad. We talked for a bit, and I encouraged him to be in contact with you more. He sounded for the most part to be in good spirits, despite his growing concern for the shape of our present economy. Hopefully things will get better. Right now were on a "lockdown," and have been for the past week or so. I guess from what I heard there was a couple people who tried to escape, as well as a couple stabbings, so they will be looking for metal and weapons and altered cells. More than likely we'll be locked down for at least another week or two depending on how fast they search.

Any how, there's something enclosed in this letter I would like you to 'Blog' if at all possible. It's dealing with a new measure on the ballot called "prop 9", though it's under the heading of "Victims Rights," or "Marcy's law," it's designed to keep every "lifer" inmate with a "to life" sentence in prison for ever. Being that I am serving a "35 to life" sentence/ My earliest possible parole date is set for 2039. I would be 65 years old. Well if this law passes, they (the parole board) could wait until I'm 80 before they schedule me for the next hearing - instead of 1 to 5 years. What does that have to do with "victims rights"? In all honest, the victims rights were satisfied when I was found guilty and convicted with the attached sentence, not to mention the families right to be financially compensated for their loss, which is by the way deducted from every dollar sent to me or ever dollar earned by me, their (the victim's family) are also entitled to show up to my parole board hearings and express their feelings and thoughts as to why or why not I should be released.

So you see, this is just another way for them (the powers that be) to ensure that people with the "possibility of parole" (like myself) never get out. What's not surprising is the fact that it is disguised under something "beneficial," but in reality it's only a deceptive tool used by the money hungry greedy and wealthy to trick the masses. This measure is indeed a "death blow" to inmates like myself who may possibly have a chance to go home. Vote no on prop 9, and spread the word for me cousin. For more info you can go to stopmarcyslaw@yahoo.com. Well I'm gonna sign off for now cousin, I love you.

Sister Souljah is back

2008-10-19T09:26:00.000-07:00

I just got my Essence and read some very exciting news...Sister Souljah is back with a book about Midnight...he was the protagonist's love interest in The Coldest Winter Ever...I read that book when I was 14, and it changed my life. I've read this book so many times, that I can recite it word from word, page to page. So now Souljah has come out with Midnight: A Gangsta Love Story, and I'm so freaking excited to read it.

My friends and I would hold hour long discussions, at 15 about the coldest winter ever...about Winter Santiaga and her selfishness. We studied this book on our own. It was the second book I ever read for fun. I think they should make a movie about it because it is that great. I made my boyfriend read it, and he feels the same way. Even though the main character is a woman, its so easy to connect. You feel like you're on the streets of Brooklyn with Winter...and when she moved to Long Island, and left her hood, you felt for her.

So here is the blurb from Essence to get you prepared for the new book:

Nearly a decade ago, in The Coldest Winter Ever, Sister Souljah teased us with a mystifying brother called Midnight. Remember him? He was so fine and so deep that he was able to thaw hard-as-nails protagonist Winter Santiaga. Now in Midnight: A Gangsta Love Story ($26.95), this intoxicating character comes into sharper focus and tells his own fascinating tale.

Souljah creates a mesmerizing story about an honorable young man forced to live in a dishonorable world. It's a world that vexes and confuses him and one that will outrage and sadden you as you witness the choices that confront so many real-life men. Each day is a test as Midnight tries to reconcile his family's values with the harshness of the The Game. And then he falls in love, and nothing will ever be the same. - Ylonda Gault Caviness

Oh shit...but who does he fall in love with...Winter? Who? Damn I gotta go grab it.

~ JB

Penis Envy

2008-10-18T21:45:00.000-07:00

I'm still reading The Feminine Mystique, and I came across penis envy...and I don't remember learning about that in school. I didn't take that many psychology classes, because of my major, Journalism, I was all over, but never had the opportunity to focus on that many other sources, besides black studies. So I googled penis envy, and got this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penis_envy

After confirming with some other readings, I know that wikipedia is correct in its definition, I never trust the first source I read...what kind of journalist/write would I be. So anyways, I always thought penis envy was the obvious, what it says. Women being envious of men for having penis'. But I thought even further than that. Men are so outward with every thing, from the genitals to their emotions. There are men who could fuck hundreds of women without any emotional attachment, and that is because their genitals are on the outside, no emotions or attachments. But since women are entered, we have so much inside of us, and women become instantly attached once they have intercourse, well some women. I just thought that women were envious of men because they are not as attached, on every level of life.

Well, anyways, after reading about what penis envy actually is, according to Freudian psychology, theory and/or thought, I began to wonder if that envy ever goes away. I did love my father as a child, and hated my mother, was it penis envy that made me feel like that, who knows. But now things have changed so much. Due to their divorce, I don't want to be like my parents, and I am hardly envious of either one of them. The theory according to what I read, says that young girls want to be like their mothers, because they have their fathers, and the penis envy is what makes them want their fathers. I guess that is where the term daddy's girl came from...and mama's boy, since the opposite is true for men. But once women grow older, and detach from their fathers, and move on to other men, does penis envy still exist? I wasn't able to get an answer from sites that I went to, I suppose I have to purchase the book, but I think the envy continues in other ways.

I can't say that the discovery that I made as a child, which lead me to knowing that I didn't have a penis, made me envious. I don't remember that far back, but nowadays I think if I was envious of men it would be for other reasons. The fact that they have penises means absolutely nothing to me, I suppose its the freedom attached to it that makes me jealous. However, the lack of a monthly menstrual cycle due to their penises, does piss me off. The fact that men feel invincible because of their penises is also another story. What gave men the right to feel invincible because of a genital difference? I can never understand that, but their physical strength is not due to their penis, maybe its their balls...anyways, that is not the point I'm trying to make here. The point is that right now, at this moment, the only thing that makes me jealous of a man, is the simplicity of their thoughts. Women are complicated and men are simple, right? Men come from Mars and women from Venus...

I just wish I could simplify my life like a man does. Simplify my morning routine, my day to day process....all the things that make me feminine, just sometimes not all the time. There are those days when I say fuck the make up, and I'll put on a baseball cap. The days where I will watch sports all day long, and lift weights, and exercise until I'm drowning in sweat, and I love those days more than any of the others. More than having the hair from my legs removed, and going to the beauty salon, applying mascara and dressing up. But I think the best thing about being a woman, which a man can never do, unless he is a cross dresser, is that I can be all of the above, in the same day even....sigh

Tribune Co. may drop Associated Press stories

2008-10-18T21:30:00.000-07:00

The parent company of the Los Angeles Times may end its contract with the Associated Press as the newspaper tries to cut costs.

Tribune Co. gave notice to the AP on Friday that it intends to stop using AP stories Oct. 15, 2010, a statement from the Chicago company said.

The statement did not say how much money it would save and Tribune spokesman Gary Weitman said the company cannot comment beyond the statement. A Baltimore Sun spokeswoman declined to comment further.

AP requires that its clients give two years notice before ending its subscription to the newswire service.

The announcement comes as daily metropolitan newspapers are struggling with a downturn in the economy and the loss of readers to the Internet. In August, the Sun eliminated 100 jobs as Tribune slashed hundreds of jobs at its newspapers, including the Times and its flagship Chicago Tribune.

This year Tribune became a privately held company after an $8.2 billion buyout led by Chicago real estate mogul Sam Zell.

AP spokesman Paul Colford said the Tribune’s notice gives the media company an opportunity to leave AP, but does not mean that the paper will necessarily drop AP.

Many newspapers file notices but then do not ultimately drop the service, he said.

“We understand that in this climate a lot of newspapers are reexamining their strategies,” an AP statement said.

The AP recently unveiled a new pricing rate that charges more for premium content. It takes effect next year.

October's 20 Questions

2008-10-18T21:06:00.000-07:00

Actually, instead of only 20 questions its more like 20 thoughts and observations that I have had in the last couple weeks....

1. I actually saw gas go down today...you know the attendant was out there changing the sign to $3.33
2. When I drove by the AIG office building today, why did I have the sudden urge to blow it up?
3. Is there any house less than $800,000 around here?
4. What will scare you more this Halloween, the country's debt or scary decorations?
5. What exactly is "penis envy"?
6. My male turtle finally learned how to stand up to himself against the female one...he's on guard finally.
7. If Adam came first and then Eve, why do women always say, "ladies first"?
8. I can't think of the last time I was actually drunk
9. Does my imagination far exceed my expectation?
10. Do you want to slap Mc Cain too?
11. And speaking of Mc Cain, do you think he has the early on set of Alzheimer's disease?
12. I think I am having a quarter life crisis...I am so confused
13. When did you first fall in love with hip hop, music?
14. Curly or straight?
15. How many lives do you think you've had?
16. Is 130 lbs fat?
17. If your answer is no, then why am I stressing so much, damn???
18. Is there life after death?
19. Can't wait to the Lakers start....and can you believe the effin Red Sox..damn
20. Why does Joe Rogan on UFC look like Leonidas from 300?

The American Dream

2008-10-11T11:37:00.000-07:00

For as long as I can remember all I wanted to do was write, for a fashion magazine. My love of fashion came at such an early age. When I was 10 or 11 my best friend and I created a fashion magazine. J & S Fashions…we drew all the pictures, and used our Barbie’s clothes as the basis for the clothes we displayed in our magazine. Even though we only did two issues, I’ve always loved magazines. The glossy pages, the smell of the perfume advertisements seeping through every single page, the bright colors of spring fashion versus the darker subdued fall fashions, I can’t decide which season I love the most.

However, after graduating from college with my degree in Journalism, the magazine world was not so eager to hire me. I wasn’t able to do an internship because I had to work all four years, while I was in school, so the opportunity to get my foot in the door never came knocking. I continue to subscribe to all these magazines, but now when I look at them I don’t see hope, I just see my American Dream fading. With the way this economy is going, and all the bull shit on the news I just feel like I’m going further and further away from that dream. As I look at these glossy pages, with the $1,200 shoes and the $6,000 Gucci rings, and all of the other things that I feel like I’m never going to be able to afford it just makes me upset. Upset at this consumerist world and the fact that no matter how bad it gets, the people who can afford all of those things never have to worry. So here I am, at 24, wondering how my life is going to play out and if I am able to obtain all the things that I want in life. And not just the materialistic things either, just the normal things that people get in life, like marriage, buying a house, having children…the American Dream.

I know that I’m still young but my focus and direction have to be somewhere. I’ve never been the type to party every weekend, and just have fun, without a sense of direction or dreams. This American Dream that everyone has, this dream that brings hundreds of thousands of immigrants here each year. A dream that almost guaranteed people a job, a place to live and grow their family; the most simplistic dream, to just be free and live your life happily ever after. Is this dream still possible? More and more people are loosing their homes, and living in apartments, or even out on the streets. My boyfriend/fiancé and I have decided, well we don’t need a wedding, even though I want one, and we can stay in this one bed room apartment for a few more years, and we can wait until we’re in our late 30’s to have children. Our parents didn’t have to go through what we are dealing with today. Both of them had houses by the time they were our ages, or at least about to get a house. They were married and having children. If they knew that their children would be struggling as hard as we are, would they have wanted us to reach for the American Dream. How could they have known that things were going to get worse and not better?

The quality of life is so different too. There are people younger than me, who are rich off their asses, and spending money like crazy, and for what? For having no talent, or for hardly doing work, yet they look beautiful, and people look up to them. Is that the new American Dream? Offer nothing to the American public, and get everything for doing nothing. Some of these people are getting millions of dollars a year, and our country is continuing to struggle. I don’t know if I’m the only one who sees something wrong with this picture. I think if we cut some of these people’s salaries, foot ball players, and baseball players…why do they need to get up to $250 million for playing a sport they supposedly love? It’s the American people who support them, but they could care less if I never reach my dreams and goals in life. If I sound a little angry and bitter, it’s because I am just a little angry and bitter. Now, forget about all those people, and what about the heads of AIG deciding to take all their employees on vacation and spending half a million dollars. How fucked up is that? I would like to go on vacation; the last time I went away was in 2006, and 2003 and 2002. My boyfriend and I have worked our asses off for years, and we can’t even afford to go to New York for the holidays, like we have done every year in the past. He can’t go home to see his family, and we’re lucky if we have the money for anything this holiday season. I couldn’t imagine if we had children, and were unable to provide them with a Christmas.

What I don’t understand is how things changed so much, and how people are still able to afford things? In Los Angeles, homes are still going for over one million, and people are still purchasing these homes. And yet the rest of the country continues to struggle. If you live here, however, you feel so far removed from what they talk about on the news and online. People are happily driving their half a million dollar cars, and smoking their Cubans, and traveling everywhere….who knows what is really going on. Where I work now, its with designers, and although many of them are loosing jobs in the middle class, the upper class continues to thrive…spending over $10,000 for a sofa, and $800 for a fucking pillow. I just don’t get it. I feel like I’m slowly being eliminated, as someone in the lower middle class, taking my yearly salary alone, forget what we make together, just my salary, I might as well be living in my car, which I’ve been thinking about selling to save money.

In the 1990’s, my life was so different, we had a Mercedes Benz, an Alfa Romero, and a third car, a home, and my parents made over $100,000 a year…and now 18 years later, they make the same…minus all of the other amenities, like marriage, and a house and luxury vehicles. I’ve talked to a lot of people who say that they are making the same as they did 20 years ago, and the price of living continues to grow. The house that I grew up in, the one my parents bought in the 80’s for $115,000 is now on the market for $1 million. I don’t think they would be able to afford the house now, since they’re making the same.

As I turn the pages of my new Harper’s Bazaar and Lucky, I guess I’ll continue dreaming, about the simplest things in life, like those Versace shoes, working at a magazine as a writer, having a dream wedding by the beach that we want, that honey moon in Italy, getting a nice home, so our dog can have a back yard, and having two kids someday….just American dreaming.

The Feminine Mystique Revisted

2008-09-27T16:44:00.000-07:00

Like I said, lately I've been doing a lot more reading, than writing. So 2 things first - I bought The Feminine Mystique, just out of curiosity, I wanted to read it. I never wanted to before, because I felt like the issues that faced women in the 50's and 60's did not affect Black women. The issue of only being a housewife and wanting more as a woman. My grandma was born in 1923, and she worked ever since she was 15. She cleaned houses for white people, and ran errands for them and their children, for years. I don't think that being a housewife was an option for many black women.

I never understood what was wrong with many of these women. You're complaining about being a housewife? Why? So now that I'm knee deep in the book, my concern for these women changed. Although this book was published 45 years ago, and the research took almost 20-30 years, these women were not lazy, or spoiled, they were just victims of society. As Black people were, fighting for their rights, these women just wanted to be included in society, in their husbands lives. A part of the decision making process, of the household, the most simplistic demands they requested. Forget about not being able to eat in the same restaurants as another race, forget about segregation and desegregation and all the shit that my ancestors and family had to worry about. These women just wanted to be apart of their husbands lives. Their whole lives revolved around their husbands and children, they didn't have an identity.

Many of these women got married out of high school, and had babies by the time they were 21. They didn't get to be free, and say whatever they wanted, or do whatever they wanted. Their hobbies included whatever their husband's hobbies were. But the truth of the matter is, I don't know how far we've come. How far have women actually come since then? If a woman is single, her main goal is to find a man to marry and make her own. But is it about love, or just about this fulfillment that women have. To have a husband, to have children, biological clocks, and such. Chapter 3 talks about the identity that men had during that time, and how they knew exactly what they wanted in their lives. It was their destiny to make plans and to be men. Be entrepreneurs, and business men, they were the bread winners for the longest time. Women didn't have their own separate identity. They were just Mrs. whatever...forget about having their own names.

Many of these women went to college, had degrees as scientists, neurologists, and all other types of degrees, but they didn't need to do anything with their college education, because their husbands took care of everything for them. I'm so glad, that I was born in the time that I was...and that my mother raised me to be independent. But many of these women were raised to be a wife and a mother, and that is it. It seems so simple, and yet women still wanted more. What would my life be, if I was in fact a house wife? I don't think I could imagine it. When I was unemployed, home all day, I cleaned, cooked, took care of the dog and my turtles, and I felt like I was going crazy. I couldn't imagine my life like that every day, for years and years.

I read some of these stories about these women, and it makes me a little angry. But at the same time, whose fault was it. Who decided that women were the weaker, lesser sex? Our feminine bodies, our physical strength, what was the reasoning behind this thought process, that haunted women for years. I'll have more opinions about this later, I only made it to chapter 4 so far.

Economically Speaking

2008-09-27T16:29:00.000-07:00

Economically speaking what the hell is going on, and what happened
Financially speaking, people are not ready to deal with the truth of the matter
Politically speaking, who do you believe? Who do you trust?
How will you vote?
What will change for you?

Economically speaking the people are panicked and looking for help,
Not a fucking bail out to line the pockets of the already wealthy
Financially speaking, the president of WaMu, who was hired only 17 days before their demise, walked away with $10 million
Politically speaking, who will you vote for?

Economically speaking what does the future hold
Will you survive?
Will you move forward?
Financially speaking, how affected are you?
Are we, as people, as a whole
Where is the community
Where are the people to stand up against this injustice?
Politically speaking, who will it be? To save us. Will they save us?
Why do we look to these political figures as our heroes?

The debate continues, in my mind, my wallet, at my bank WaMu
Economically, financially and politically speaking are you depressed, confused, drained?
Do you look at what's going on, on the outside or the inside?
Inside of your mind, your own change
Fuck the politics, the bullshit
What is said could be a lie
The debate is whats in your own plan
Day to day
Because seriously speaking, the economy, finances and politics all comes down to the individual
Not the society, or the outside world
Some how, some way, we are supposed to make a difference
But with all of this instability
People's minds are clouded, fogged and hazed, you know, just economically speaking

McCain, Obama ready to debate

2008-09-26T18:06:00.000-07:00

BY NIA-MALIKA HENDERSON |nia.henderson@newsday.com

8:15 PM EDT, September 26, 2008

Tonight's debate is the first side-by-side match up between John McCain and Barack Obama and while the topic is foreign policy and national security, with the economy in turmoil, talk will most certainly turn to Wall Street.

During the past week, the stylistic differences between the two candidates have come into sharper relief, with McCain suspending his campaign and calling for the debates to be postponed pending a $700 billion bailout agreement for the nation's banks and Obama saying that he would debate and that a president would have to handle more than one crisis at a time.

Tonight the candidates, with 25 years between them, will likely offer a further study in contrasts -- hot versus cool, fire versus ice.

The Obama campaign spent much of the day lowering expectations for the Illinois senator, who has often struggled in debates, partly because of his aversion to sound bites and zingers. In their previous back-to-back appearances, first at a faith forum last month and then at a service forum earlier this month, McCain seemed to fare better, offering up succinct answers to Obama's more professorial resp

For McCain, who earlier said he would not show up for the first of three presidential debates unless a bipartisan, bailout deal was reached, the stakes are high, according to the Obama camp.

"If he slips up, makes a mistake, or fails to deliver a game-changing performance, it will be a serious blow to his campaign," Obama spokesman Bill Burton said in a debate memo sent out to reporters. "Given his unsteady performance this week, he desperately needs to win this debate in a big way in order to change the topic and get back to his home turf."

National polls show that Obama has moved slightly ahead of McCain. But polls have consistently shown McCain with a clear advantage on national security issues, and on the stump he has hammered Obama for not backing the troop surge in Iraq. Expect McCain to call for Obama to admit that he was wrong about the surge tonight. And expect Obama, as he has done on the trail, to link the $10 billion a month Iraq war, to the weakening economy. According to polls, voters have shown a preference for Obama in handling economic issues.

In a statement sent out to reporters, Republicans criticized the Obama team for trying to "pre-spin" the debate as the economy teeters.

"It says a lot about the candidates' priorities that while John McCain was focused on rescuing the economy, Barack Obama's campaign was drafting a debate memo. Strong leadership does not transparently attempt to lower expectations by circulating clips criticizing yourself," said Alex Conant, a Republican National Committee spokesman.

"We are confident people are smart enough to see through Obama's silly spin and recognize it as just another blatant example of the old political tricks."

If the record-breaking viewership of the conventions is any guide, tonight's debate will likely be a ratings blockbuster, and could be a deciding factor for many voters. According to a recent Gallup Poll, debates haven't historically mattered except in two elections -- 1960 and 2000, two close elections.

With 39 days left, the race is virtually tied according to most polls, with Obama having a slight lead in the Electoral College round up.

Tonight's debate in Oxford, Mississippi is scheduled to begin at 9 p.m. and run for 90 minutes. Candidates will have two minutes each to answer the same question, then five minutes for a back-and-forth exchange.

On the Runway

2008-09-23T20:17:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been doing a lot more reading than writing. Over the weekend I read an article in Ebony about the lack of black models, both male and female, on the runway during fashion week. Not only was there an absence of black models, there were absolutely no other nationalities strutting the fabulous duds that many of us drool over.

I searched google for the story to post on my blog when I came across other recent articles on the same subject. Reuters even posted a story. Click here:
http://www.reuters.com/article/lifestyleMolt/idUSN1145982120080912

How amazing is it that people are starting to take notice of discrimination in the fashion industry. However, this realization comes a little too late. Tyra Banks did a special about black women's lack of presence not only on the runway, but also in movies, on television, on magazine covers and in the corporate world. She had different celebrities talk about their experiences and certain people, like Nia Long, who discussed how hard it is for her to not get typed cast...etc...

Just some of my own observations, Elle, is one of my favorite magazines to read, it appeals to me, and I've been a subscriber for over 4 years now. However the covers are always the same celebrities or people. Jessica Simpson has been on the cover about 4 times in the past 3 years. Beyonce, only once. I don't know how you feel, but I think Beyonce is a much bigger star and would sell more magazines than Jessica on the cover. Alicia Keys was on the cover once too. Rhianna, once as well. Yet, Jessica Simpson has been on more covers...it baffles me.

Unfortunately, I have yet to boycott the magazine, because I always felt like fashion has no color. Yet, here I am talking about the discrimination, and I do take notice of the covers.

Around the time Dream Girls was up for the Oscar nomination, and Jennifer Hudson won for best supporting actress, she was on the cover of Vogue. I think it was one of the first times that a non-skinny woman was on the cover, and she doesn't look like the every day idea of, "black beauty"- meaning she is not light skinned, with light eyes, and blonde dyed hair, but I've digressed. I don't know how well the magazine sold, but the following month or so, when I excitedly opened my shiny new subscription, of Vogue, there were letters from readers who were outraged. One person wrote about how they didn't understand why Vogue chose Jennifer Hudson for the cover. The person wrote, all they did was slap on a couture gown, stilettos and a wavy weave, and all of a sudden she became a model. They wrote that she did not deserve to be on the cover of such a prestigious magazine like Vogue. They have yet to put another black woman on the cover.

Now, back to the Ebony story, which went in depth about the designers who have NEVER used a black model in any of their run way shows. Many of these labels/designers have been around for decades. It bothers me that something I love so much, fashion, hates/discriminates against me, in more ways than one. What hope do young black models have in this world? To never be able to walk in a runway show, unless its for Hip Hop clothing, or to never be on the cover, unless its Essence or Ebony. Not that its bad to support your own, I do, because I also subscribe to those magazines.

When I view my Essence and my Elle, the thickness of the two magazines is incomparable. Essence has hardly any advertisers, while Elle's first 50 pages are advertisements. I don't know how Essence is going to survive, yet it has so far. My love for fashion and clothes goes beyond models, because I don't need to see other people wearing it to want it. I wonder what will happen in the future. Why is it such a big deal to book models of color? I don't even have anything else to say on the matter at this time. Read the article, look at the evidence for yourself.

September's 20 Questions

2008-09-21T11:23:00.001-07:00

1. Where did Sarah Palin come from?
2. Why is the media so obsessed with her?
3. Is there still a war going on? Why haven't we heard anything about it in a while?
4. Does the "Pursuit of Happyness" movie make you feel hopeful when you're down?
5. What is your pursuit of happiness?
6. Do you think you'll ever reach that happiness?
7. Will the economy ever bounce back?
8. What do you think about Bush's proposed plan to reconcile the markets?
9. How far have women really come since the 1950's?
10. How far have African Americans come since the Civil Rights movement?
11. Do you believe Obama when he says "change"?
12. What will "change" for you personally?
13. What happened to all the black models on the runway?
14. Are fashion designers really discriminating against black models? What's really going on?
15. Did the book, "Feminine Mystique" affect black women in the 60's?
16. How valuable is friendship to you?
17. Can you trust all of your so-called friends?
18. Why can't I just take my laptop with me everywhere?
19. Will I be able to buy a house within the next year?
20. They want how much down? Damn

The Money, Honey: Financial Savvyness, Taking Control

2008-09-19T18:18:00.000-07:00

By Jillian Ballard
Friday, September 19, 2008 8:52 AM PDT

Eighteen is the age when you start feeling more like an adult. It's legal to vote, you're able to enter more nightclubs and you start taking on more responsibility. Many people start college; move out of their parent's home to dorm or live with roommates. Some can say that life sort of begins at 18.

Along with the freedom, and more responsibility comes this right of passage in to adult hood, called bills. Creditors started sending me applications for cards when I was still in high school. I was already 18 and in my senior year of school. Unfortunately no one ever taught me about credit cards, bills and debt.

I had a few cards when college started, and I just kept buying things. I thought it was fun to have the freedom to spend money, without asking for permission and more importantly without the funds actually having to be there in my bank account. I had a job, but I was working retail, and only made $500 a month.

My credit card debt became $1400 in just three months. I couldn't afford the minimum balances, and my debt kept rising. I would pay a little here and there, but the interest rates were through the roof. I had to consolidate for 18 months to get out of debt, but that is not the best choice for everyone, and not all situations call for a consolidation.

So being eighteen not only gives you the freedom to spend, but it also can start you on the path to debt and a poor credit score, which will follow you when you're trying to make important purchases as you get older. When you're young, all you want to do is hang out with your friends, go shopping, partying and whatnot, but all of that costs money. Money that you might not have, while credit cards are giving you a false sense of having cash in your pocket.

Therefore, it is imperative that you start off your spending habits properly. And if you already are in debt, I have some tips for getting your bills under control; things that I have done in the past and other tips that will definitely help you. Here are some ways you can take control of your debt:

http://thesavvygal.com/articles/2008/09/19/the_money_honey/59money.txt

Dow soars more than 400 points after Wednesday's market rout

2008-09-18T17:45:00.000-07:00

Stocks rally late in the day after regulators pledge increased oversight of short sellers and a key lawmaker says the federal government is working on a permanent solution to the financial crisis.

By Martin Zimmerman, Los Angeles Times Staff Writer
2:19 PM PDT, September 18, 2008

The Dow Jones industrial average soared more than 400 points today after regulators pledged increased oversight of traders who profit from falling share prices and a key lawmaker reportedly said the federal government is weighing a long-term solution to the current financial crisis.

The rally, which followed the Dow's 449-point plunge Wednesday, was a welcome respite for investors who have been battered by a global financial crisis that has choked off credit, toppled storied financial institutions and threatened economic growth here and abroad.

"If they can free up capital and get the banks lending again, then it's a whole new ballgame," said William Buechler, president of Buechler Capital Asset Management, a money management firm in La Jolla. The key is whether the regulators' talk and the rumor of legislative action turn into concrete results, he said.

The Dow finished the day up 410.03 points, or 3.9%, at 11,019.69. The tech-heavy Nasdaq composite fared even better, gaining 100.25 points, or 4.8%, to 2,199.10.

The late rally was led by financial stocks, which have borne the brunt of the selling over the last week. They were by far the best-performing sector of the Standard & Poor's 500 index, gaining 12%.

The burst of buying came late in what had been a see-saw session after wire services reported that Sen. Charles E. Schumer (D-N.Y.), the chairman of the congressional Joint Economic Committee, told reporters that the Treasury Department and the Federal Reserve were working on a "permanent" solution to the financial crisis.

Schumer urged Congress to offer financial support to companies struggling to raise capital. Many banks and securities firms are sinking under the weight of soured mortgages and of investments tied to those bad loans.

Analysts also gave credit to signs that regulators are cracking down on short sellers, investors who make bets that stocks will go down by borrowing shares and then selling them with the intention of replacing them later a lower price. Short sellers have received some of the blame for the precipitous price declines in shares of financial companies such as Lehman Bros. Holdings Inc., Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs.

British regulators today imposed an outright ban on short-selling of financial stocks. In the U.S., the Securities and Exchange Commission said late Wednesday that it planned to impose rules intended to rein in "manipulative" stock trading.

And New York Atty. Gen. Andrew Cuomo said today he was investigating short selling of shares of Lehman, American International Group Inc. and other financial stocks. Unlike the SEC, Cuomo has the power under New York state law to criminally prosecute traders.

Short selling is not illegal, but Cuomo said he would be looking for evidence that short sellers spread false information to artificially force down shares they were shorting.

The intervention of regulators may have convinced many short sellers to "cover" their short positions by buying stock, which gave the market a boost, some analysts said.

"The outright ban on short-selling of financial stocks catalyzed the rally in bank stocks such as Wachovia," Brian Horey, president of Aurelian Management in New York, told Bloomberg News. Similar curbs in the U.S. "can't be ruled out," he said. "It's likely that some shorts are covering in anticipation of such a move."

To cite one example, shares of investment banking giant Morgan Stanley initially continued their free fall amid signs that the company may have to seek a merger with a commercial bank to shore up its capital base. But the stock rebounded and was trading up more than 5% shortly before the end of the trading session.

The stock market was helped early on by the actions of the Fed and other central banks to calm investors' jangled nerves. Central bankers infused as much as $180 billion into global money markets and the Fed poured in another $55 billion in the U.S.

One analyst warned that the turnaround may be short-lived. Joe Battipaglia, market strategist at Stifel, Nicolaus & Co., said the U.S. economy faces challenges beyond the current credit crunch, including the ongoing turmoil in the housing industry and weakness in the job market.

"Until these fundamental conditions start to improve, the most you can hope for is for [government] policies that try to mitigate the blowout," Battipaglia said. "That is not the basis for a new bull market."

The Labor Department reported today that jobless claims rose unexpectedly last week

Also today, Dow Jones & Co. announced that AIG will be replaced in the Dow average on Monday by food and beverage maker Kraft Foods Inc.

Ghosts of Relationships

2008-09-07T11:40:00.000-07:00

If your father abused your mother then chances are you’re going to marry someone who abuses you too, right. If your mother cheated on your dad, than you will cheat on your husband, correct? There are so many statistics that will shock most women. If your parents are divorced, than you will more than likely end your marriage in divorce. The first example of relationships that we have comes from our parents. The way they love and care for each other sets the precedence for how we choose our mates and how we behave with them. Unfortunately, if your parents had a terrible relationship and it had a huge impact on your home life, you never receive a good example that one needs for a healthy relationship.

Well according to an article in Essence, all of the above is true. Essence calls it post-traumatic relationship disorder. The relationship you had with your father is a direct correlation of how your relationships will be. Essence explores how women can work to figure out where the trouble is in their relationships are now. I don’t know if I agree with these theories or not, because I feel like if a woman had a bad relationship with her father, than she tries to date someone who is the complete opposite. I think a lot of men date women who remind them of their mothers, if they had a good relationship with them. And some people, date men/women who are neither.

Growing up, my parents had a great relationship, and while they were married, my father and I had a great relationship. I was a daddy’s girl. He could do no wrong in my eyes. After their divorce things changed, and even now my perspective on my parents continues to change. My boyfriend does remind me of my father, in some ways. He is a hardworking man who takes care of me and our house hold. My father did the same for us, however my mother left him. So, I don’t know if that means after 18 years together, that I will leave my boyfriend. I don’t think your relationship can be justified by what your parents did. Our parents relationships can truly have an influence over us, and for women especially, their relationship with their fathers, can influence their love of their husbands.

Men don’t realize that their daughters look up to them, at such a young age, and depending on how they’re treated, they either want to disown their fathers, or find men who are just like them. I think if someone had a bad or rough child hood, they would do everything in their power not to go through the same thing as an adult. But how hard can someone try to not end up in a similar situation. What I want to know is how can you escape falling in to the same pattern as your parents. I know some women who have great relationships with their parents and they also have happy healthy marriages and children. But then the exact opposite is true as well. Do we dictate our own fate? How can someone change their alleged path?

Essence doesn’t give many solutions besides attending therapy to face the problems of your past, in order to help you with your present and future relationships. They don’t suggest blocking out your past entirely, but facing it head on. Dealing with the problems you had or may have with your father. Readjusting your perspective of yourself and your current relationship by viewing the person you’re with as an entirely new person, and not seeing them as your father. And not comparing your relationship to any in the past, or present. Each person, in my opinion, is very different. Even though there are studies and statistics that have already doomed my future marriage, to divorce, because of my parents, I can’t view my life like that. One of the biggest fears I have about getting married is getting divorced. I saw what my parents went through, and how they were happy for 18 years, and then it was done. It was over. I think that many children of divorced parents might agree with me. You can’t forget your past, because if you do, then you don’t know where you’re going. Your future is a reflection of your past, even if you’ve added a couple of twists and turns along the way, you have to look at your parents and family as people who have been there before. They have gone through everything that you have and then some.

Creating your own path is hard to do if you completely forget your past. If you ignore your parents or hate your father or mother, then it reflects how you feel about yourself. Not everyone has a great childhood, but completely ignoring it won’t change what you went through. It won’t change the past and there is nothing you can do to make your past better. The ghosts of relationships are your ancestors and your parent’s relationship. Those ghosts will come back to haunt you if you let them. The only thing I can do is learn from my parent’s mistakes and learn from their love. They did love each other and me, and that has not changed one bit. I feel like if you focus on the positives of the relationships then you can incorporate those positives in your own life. And if there were no positives, than you just have to learn from the negatives. But don’t ever forget those ghosts, because they will always be there in the back of your mind, in your bedroom, in your kitchen and in your life, whether you like it or not.

Beauty Marks

2008-09-07T10:16:00.001-07:00

When I was younger I used to be obsessed with moles. I guess I still am, but I was always curious about them. I never understood why I had them. When I was nine, I had 14 of them, my last count a few years ago was 28 total, over my entire body. My mother would tell me that they were beauty marks, and the more I had the more beautiful I was. At 9, I had 14, and I never thought that I was beautiful. I used to get made fun of a lot as a kid. I needed braces, which I got at 14, and I was a lot lighter than most of my friends. I was so light as a child, that people would say I looked like a yellow high lighter, or that I was adopted because both of my parents were a lot darker than me.

Everyone goes through awkward phases, but when I got to junior high school/ high school people thought I was hideous. I didn't think of myself as being cute or pretty for the longest time. But the funny thing was, I always had a boyfriend, and a lot of male friends. Guys loved hanging out with me and talking to me. And girls hated me. They used to leave notes in my locker, saying the meanest things about me.

It took a lot for me to gain confidence. Even up until my first year of college, I was very insecure about my looks. I hated my legs, my face, my breasts and everything about myself. I always thought I was too skinny or too fat or out of shape. I was never just right. But as a freshman in college, there were a lot of frat guys that would hit on me. They offered to carry my books to my car etc...They thought I was the sweetest thing, at least that is what they told me. They were probably trying to get in to my pants, it didn't work though, I had a boyfriend at the time.

He thinks I'm beautiful and he tells me so every day. My confidence began to spark on its own. I don't think a woman can validate her looks based on what a man thinks or says about her. Or what people think about the. You have to have your own confidence, reassurance and validation. See, I think that everyone is beautiful, in their own way. In the past I may have been an ugly duckling, but who hasn't felt that way. Children go through stages, and as they transform in to swans in their early stages of adulthood, that is when the confident levels spark. I have never met an 11 year old who thought they were gorgeous. Or a 14 year old, that had more confidence than a woman twice her age. And if they do have that confidence, than I would be a little scared. Confidence not only comes when your body matures, and your beauty matures, but also as you mature. Once you realize that its what you think about yourself that matters, and no one else has a say in it.

I've been told that my personality is so bright that it shines through my beauty. I do believe that there could be a glow around me, most of the time, but that is because I am usually happy. I have been so happy, for so long that I don't even know what its like to feel any other way. I am happy with myself, for the first time in a long time. I love myself more than anything and I am happy with myself. In order to be really beautiful, you need the inner beauty, that great sparkling personality. I can't stand women who have ugly insides, an ugly personality. It doesn't matter how gorgeous they appear, their hearts are black. I can't stand bitchy women, because I don't understand what would make some be a bitch all the time. How unhappy can someone be that would make them be a bitch at all times? I just don't understand it.

So, find your inner glow, inner peace, and inner beauty marks and they will outshine any outer flaws, that you think, you may have. Women are gorgeous creatures by nature, but its your attitude and behavior that people notice more than your looks. As for those beauty marks/moles, I now have 57 all over my body.

Love Letters

2008-09-01T17:42:00.000-07:00

I was going through this box in my closet and found love letters from my now boyfriend, that we wrote to each other in our times apart. We met July 16, 2002, in the Dominican Republic, and we were separated for 6 months on opposite coasts. Believe it or not we wrote love letters/emails to each other. It was very romantic, and different in this day and age of technology. Lets see...where do I begin.

July 21, 2002
Email from Him to Me

Hey!
I got ur reply, the first one just said ##hey and the second didn't say anything. The flight was alright, couldn't stop thinking bout u. I smelled u on my clothes the whole way back. Everyone had jokes when u left. It was killing me though not seeing u come walking down from ur room.

My boys dragged me out last night...I was hating it. Kept thinking how I wish I was on the beach just holding you, seeing u smile. Damn, miss u so much.

Hope everything gets better with u at home. You better do good in school or I'm gonna come out there and kick ur ass. :)

So much more I wanted to talk to u about, I wanted to find out about u. U better not play me, call me soon (I have free long distance, so u can just text my phone and I'll holla back). I'll give u my address the next time I talk to u.

Send me some of those pictures...I need to see ur face again.

Keep smiling Piglet....lol
:)

-E

July 22, 2002
Email from Him to Me

Hey Jill!

Hope everything went alright today with you and ur man. I feel bad about the whole situation, but I also feel so much for you (even though we only had a short time together). I can't believe its only been 2 days and I miss you soo much.

Last week seemed like a dream, until I heard your message this morning, then I knew it was real. I listened to the message like 3 times today, just to hear your voice again. I wish I could see ur smile again. I'm glad I got to talk to u, I had a smile on my face for the longest time. My partner at work tried to have jokes for a minute cause I never used to bring my phone to work with me, then I was talking to u for like an hour. I shut him down real fast...he's always talking to his girl on the celli.

Next time I'll call u back so ur mom doesn't get the charges.

Now I wouldn't call what I was telling you sweet talkin, anything I told you was from the heart. I really do feel for you, I've never been one to go out with alot of girls or play games. Usually I'm the one who gets played. The few girlfriends I've had are few and far between. Thats made it rough for me to trust people, especially girls. But I was able to just talk to u so easily, you made me forget about everything but us and our times together. I don't know, there is something different about you.

I can promise you that I will never play you, hurt you, or break your heart. I promise.

I'll call you tomorrow at work.

You can call me during the week, from NY times 4:50 am - 6: 30 am and 2pm to 3 pm (thats when I'm on the road) 4:45 - 10:30 pm (usually working on music).

and anytime on the weekends. If you need to talk to someone though call me anytime, I'm always here to listen to you. I gotta go do some laundry and make dinner soon, talk to u tomorrow.

Luv,
E
P.S. I don't ever pick up girls from clubs or bars

July 23, 2002
Email from Him to Me

Its me again!

Glad to hear you guys didn't argue. Thats a plus. If he can change or not, I don't know. You shouldn't let anyone pressure you into anything, you're too young. You just have to worry about doing good in school and getting into the career you want. As long as you concentrate on that you'll be successful. Don't let anyone hold you back from what you really want to do or what is right for you (including me).

Thats crazy about someone in Macy's having the same name as me and all that, I didn't think my name was popular at all. I only met one other person besides my father with that name.

When I'm in the basement, spinning I keep dropping songs that remind me of you and/or us...Its funny that My Life is one of them along with MJB- Can't get u off my mind and All my life- Kcee & Jojo. Then I start thinking, damn, why of anywhere in the country you have to be all the way on the other side. I haven't even selected my set for Saturday yet. I wish you could be there with me. I think the weekends are going to kill me the most, not being able to see you, hold you, or take you out anywhere.

I wish you could be my girlfriend. I'm glad we have what we do though. It makes me happy hearing from you and getting e-mails. When we talk I never want to hang up, and especially not saying goodbye. I hope this does grow to be something even more special (then you can turn it into a movie - it would be a pretty good story).

Man its going to be like 9 months till I see u, unless I go out in the winter...!! By then you'll have forgotten about me, with all those guys in school and everything...everyone will be tryin to kick it to u...You'll be like E who???

You can write me a book if you want, and I'd read it cover to cover, your email wasn't too long at all. I'm going to cut it short since I'm going to talk to you later.

Keep smiling Jill!

My Heart,

E

July 26, 2002
Email from Him to Me

Jill,

Finally got here and read your emails and saw the pictures. I like ur hair like that, u look cute.

Now for your first email:
I don't mind u telling me all that stuff, I know what its like to not have anyone to talk to. I used to bottle everything up inside too, cause I didn't trust anyone. It just all comes out one way or another, its better to talk to someone, keeping it in will cause a break down. I had to go for help for a little while. I'm glad u can talk to me, I find it easy to talk to u, but if sometimes I seem quiet or kind of holding back, dont take it personally. I told you about some of the shit I've been through and how I have trust issues. I get like hesitant sometimes cause I'm not used to it, but its your different than the girls I usually end up with.

I know the distance and age thing to everyone else seems weird and too difficult. I've thought about it too (not until other people brought it up). I know it will be difficult, but we can just take it day by day and see what happens. No matter what I need u in my life now as a friend or more. But I can't lose you as a friend. You are special! You make me happy just even talking to you. Just know that anything at anytime, if you need to talk or whatever I'm hear for you.

Now that stuff in the email about Eddie pissed me off. If you stayed in that relationship and eventually got married, it would turn into a battered wife story where you would think its your fault all the time. There is never a reason for a man to physically hurt a woman (unless she's tryin to kill him or something). I don't see how he can act like that and expect to keep someone like you. Especially on special occasions like that. Believe me ur not stupid at all its just that luv is blind and ur like me, we have to learn the hard way.

I'm not even going to go on with that subject. I saw the video... I'm glad I make u happy! But you luv to torture me...I told you I don't want a birthday present, or you to spend any money on me! Seeing you is more than enough. I hope things are getting easier today...I know its hard to get over a long relationship unfortunately it happens to everyone at sometime and it hurts. I'm hear if you need to talk.

I'll probably talk to you in a little while. Have to pick up the rest of my records for tomorrow. I miss you! (at least I have a picture now).

My heart,
E
P.S. Thought that hand comment was funny? U always got jokes, just wait!!!

Love & Baseball

2008-09-01T12:18:00.000-07:00

Over the Labor Day weekend I went to my grandparents house in Palm Springs, spent the night with some of my family. My two favorite aunts and my cousins. We stayed up all night, chit chatting, like we were all in high school still. Watching television on my grandparents big screen. My aunt, whose my best friend, she's 56 but she looks like she is 35, its true, black does not crack, ever, she is gorgeous. She's a size 4, like me, and she has no kids and has never been married. She was one of the rose bowl parade queens, in Pasadena, she's a Delta Sigma Theta. A single diva at best, who teaches U.S. History at UC San Diego at night, and teaches U.S. History at a private school in her neighborhood. She has been a teacher for 35 years, and knows everything about everything. She has traveled the world, places that most people wouldn't want to visit, she has been there. So, you can see why I admire and adore her. She takes care of everyone in our family, financially, spiritually and emotionally, she is there for everyone, there to listen. But this weekend I noticed a change in her. Not in a bad way, but she was just very different.

Come to find out, she and her on again-off again boyfriend of almost 30 years broke up. For good, she is done with him. He was a famous baseball player in the 80's and now is a batting coach for a huge and famous baseball team. I can't give out any team names, sorry. And his son plays in the outfield of yet another huge baseball team. I can't tell...I don't want to get anybody in trouble. But I'm telling you the truth. She has baseballs signed by the most famous players over the years. She is so selfless, that she gives the balls away to her students if they get A's or if they do well on their finals etc...They are prizes for them and the kids love them. I was shocked and awed to find out that they ended their long standing relationship, which none of us ever understood anyway. She never wanted to marry him because, lets face it, he is never in the same state more than 4 days or so.

In the beginning of their relationship, she was telling us, he would fly her from state to state, so they could be together. Wherever his team was playing, she would be there, almost like his mistress. I can't say she is the reason him and his wife divorced, but I'm sure she is the main part. He bought her, her first car...a Nissan 300...a popular car in the 90's. He took care of her, sent her flowers, diamonds, everything. They vacationed together, she had a dream girl's life. She had the famous boyfriend, who she didn't have to see all the time if she wanted. "If he told me jump, I would say how high," she told us. The main trouble in their relationship, was the distance, and after all these years they saw each other less and less. She didn't even consider him her boyfriend because of their lack of a relationship. He would call her and she never called him.
They started only seeing each other in the off season, and if his team played the San Diego Padres. Sometimes if he was in Los Angeles, she would go see him, or he would fly her up.

"At one point in my life, I did want to marry this man. I thought he was going to propose, but what kind of life would we have together," she said. Their break up was as non-traditional as their relationship. He called her when he was in San Diego recently, and she didn't respond. He kept calling her, and she has yet to return his call. "That's it...I'm too old for this relationship, for these games." Too old! Too old! But she looks gorgeous, as beautiful as she did if not better, than when they first hooked up. "I've come to the realization, that I'm going to be alone forever. And I'm okay with that. I like being alone, I like having to depend on no one."

I started thinking, about my own life, and how much I used to want to be alone. I wanted to be just like her, and not that there is nothing wrong with her wanted to be alone, but I used to want to be alone to;o. As much as I admired her single life style, her freedom, it does get pretty lonely. I'm an only child, so I know what its like to be alone, always. Her fabulous life of going to the Ivory Coast, traveling to Alaska, Italy, France, Germany wherever and whenever she wanted to go. Her gorgeous BMW, her own house, that she owns, with the help of no one, its all glamorous and fabulous. But is that really what I wanted? To be alone, forever, and to be content with it. I'm happy for her, but we all knew she would be alone. And its not like she never had a slew of boyfriends, or men hitting on her. But to want to be alone forever, is scary. I think she just got used to it. To not depending on anyone. When I'm alone, at home, I'm okay, and when I'm not I am fine too.

My mother is the total opposite, she can't stand being alone. Her biggest fear is that she is going to die alone. I'm not afraid of being alone. The way I see it is, if my boyfriend and I broke up tomorrow, I will be okay. I would be perfectly fine. The older I get, the more independent I become. Although we help and support one another, I think I could help and support my self too. Eventually :)

At the same time....I think I'm have a quarter life crisis...I will be 25 next year....aaaahhhh! I know that its not old, but its a fabulous age to be...and it doesn't bring me any closer to wanted to get married either. LOL!

That is my love & baseball story.

Do you know me?

2008-08-31T20:49:00.001-07:00

Do you know me?

Really do you

Or do you just think you do

You sit there and assume shit

About me, just let me be

Do you really know me?

Really you do

Or do you just say you do

Or do you just pretend

In front of your friends

Trying to make an impression

Trying to put on a show

For folk

That don’t know me either

I wish you would just stop

Stop the lies

Stop the judgment about me

Stop pretending to know me

Because you don’t

Are you high?

I see it in your eyes

Do you really know me?

Really?

What do you think about me?

That I’m a bitch

A conceited spoiled brat

Someone who cares nothing for others

I’m sorry I think you’re looking in the mirror

At yourself

Because that is not me at all

I will tell you about me

I come from a strong family

With strong black women

Who take pride in their work

Who work hard all the time

I know me

Do you?

Sure I am overly confident

But why not?

I’m a strong independent black woman

Who loves herself

Yes

L-O-V-E

Do you know me now?

Are you learning?

Do you understand my plan?

My plan to conquer this world

I’m not crazy

Just motivated

I’m not shallow

I’m very mellow

I love me

I love all creatures and living things

I even love you

Believe it or not

Do you fucking know me?

I think you will begin to learn

If you come down off your

High

Off your High Horse of judgment

Off your pedestal of what you think is perfection

That’s not perfection

I am perfection

Yes I believe all these things about me

Because I embody you

I embody everyone

I feel like I am the soul of all around me

Do you fucking know me?

I think you need to look closer

And really study me

My life wasn’t always that easy

But I have learned from my mistakes

I am still learning and growing

And I try my best

To get along with you

To be friends with you

To be nice to you

But I’m tired

Tired of trying

Tired of dying

Tired of you

And your fakeness

Your pretentiousness

Your highness

Fuck you and what you’re going through

Its all about me

In my eyes

And all who love me

Know me

They know how I am

Who I am

They love me for what I am

Who I am

I treat them no different

Than I treat myself

I love my friends

I love my man

My family

I love me

And that’s it

I’m done with you

And your self-fucking-righteousness

One day when you realize

How important I am in your life

I am the best friend you will ever have

And I’m not joking

Its true

I am a best friend to all I know

Because I love and care about people

I have an open heart

Open love

Open wallet

Open house

For all

That is me

That is who I am

That is what I’m about

But not to you

Not anymore

I can’t deal with your selfishness

And who you THINK you are

But are not

I think not

Do you know me now?

Now you see me

Now you don’t

Fuck off

Can I Please Have A Moment of Silence????

2008-08-29T20:03:00.000-07:00

By A. Raheem Ballard (aka my cousin)

Can I please have a moment of silence?
Away from the bars
The concrete
The madness and violence
Away from the screams at midnight
By deranged mad men
Just a second thats all I ask
To gather my thoughts within

Can I please have moment of peace?
Away from this systematic monopoly designed by the beast
Just a second I ask to not hear a thing
No electric doors
No keys
Not even the towers phone ring

Can I please have a moment of tranquility?
At times I wonder if thats even a possibility
Just a second that's all I ask
To peer into the depths of my soul
While the adrenaline orchestrates the beat of my heart
Like a drum roll

Can I please have a moment free of confusion and turmoil?
Away from the chaos and ignorance that makes my blood boil
Just a second thats all I ask
To be at peace with the universe
Just a second thats all I ask
To be at one with the cosmos
Can I please have a moment of silence?????

Standing Still

2008-08-23T18:51:00.000-07:00

There is a time in between doing what you want and what you need
and that time is when you stand still
How long can someone stand still?
Waiting and waiting for things to happen in life
Wanting to go right, but can't
Trying to reach for the left but
I'm stuck
Can't go back, can never go back
Wanting to move forward but afraid of falling
Falling down this huge hole
A vortex of life stands before me
and I just have to stand still
Stand here and wait
I have my plans
I have my goals
But I can't go anywhere else
People are calling me to come towards them
But there goals and dreams are different from mine
They don't know what I have planned
So here I stand
Stand still and wait for the chance to go forward
Wait for this vortex of life to stop sucking people in
To stop taking over everyone's life
This vortex of society, vortex of the economy
Its so dark down there
So here I stand
Waiting
Waiting to make my moves
Because I can't go on anyone else's time
Stand still and wait until its your turn
I'm just standing still

An excerpt from my book

2008-08-21T20:22:00.000-07:00

Chapter 11: Crack Epidemic

In the 1980s crack was in full force, the “Crack Epidemic” as it became known as was spreading all over New York like a disease. I didn’t get my hands on it until 1994. It was the end of September and the leaves on the trees were starting to change. The weather was getting cooler but not to the point where I would have to wear a heavy jacket. J.R. used to sell crack but once we started selling more and more coke and getting successful and popular, J.R. thought that it was time to start selling it again. We went to the same place to get the crack, Spanish Harlem. “You know what, we can buy some cooked from the guy,” I remember J.R. telling me on the drive over there. Crack was basically, cocaine mixed with baking soda and water cooked over a fire. It can be cooked in a coffee pot or jar over a flame. When the baking soda and the cocaine are mixed together it creates an oily mix. Once you remove the jar from the flame and swish it around in a circular motion everything goes to the middle and the mixture begins to solidify and it becomes hard like a rock. The better the cocaine is the more crack you can get out of it. If the cocaine was cut or mixed with baking soda already, then the freebase, another word for crack, wouldn’t be as good. 1 gram of cocaine we usually sold for $50. But after it was cooked we would make 10 pieces off the one gram and sell it for $10 each. We could sell the crack for more money by selling more of it we would make $100 from the 7 grams. “We’ll make a lot more money off the base. Watch, people will fiend for it a lot more than the blow,” J.R. told me in the car. I wasn’t too sure about selling crack because I heard rumors about what it did and how people would become addicted. I never seen crack heads before.

Since crack was smoked the heads experienced a high in less than 10 seconds. Once someone took a hit of crack they were immediately addicted and they would do anything to get it. When we got to Spanish Harlem I parked two blocks around the corner from the place. I never met the person that sold us the cocaine. J.R. wanted me to meet him on this particular day. All the guys that worked for the dealer hung out on the corner. They were the scouts to watch out in case cops come by. There was a different scout for each guy that lived in the building. We dealt with the guy who worked on the 3^rd floor. They had buzzers that looked like garage door openers, so in case they saw any cops or under cover detectives they would hit the buzzer and a buzzing sound would go on inside the building to inform the others. As we came around the corner all the scouts were trying to get us to deal with their guys. Jesus was the scout for our guy and he recognized J.R. Jesus spoke broken English; he was Puerto Rican, 5’10” with light skin and green eyes, short cropped hair and a thin looking mustache. He brought us up into the building. On the outside the building looked shitty; it looked like all the other buildings in Spanish Harlem. On the inside there were tiled floors, and looked very dingy. There were only two or three rooms on each floor and we had to go up to the 3^rd. The stairs greeted us when we first walked in. The building was 8 stories high. Jesus led us to 3b. Jesus knocked on the door, told them something in Spanish and they let us in. It was a tiny one bedroom apartment. Everything in the apartment was very dirty. The furniture was a dingy dark green couch and a burgundy chair with wood arms and Queen Anne legs in the living room.

The guy had all his shit in the bedroom but he was dealing with someone so we had to wait. There was a picture of the Virgin Mary on the wall, very typical for a Catholic home. The person he was dealing with was some chick, when she came out of the room we realized that she was a head and not another dealer. She looked strung out and yet happy to be receiving some more shit. There was a beaded curtain separating the living room from the bedroom. He let the chick out and relocked the door. He had a steel lock that he slammed down after the girl left and attached it to the wall to make sure we were locked in. He took us through the hall way to the bedroom. His bedroom had a small bed it looked big enough for only one person. He sat down at this vanity, and there was a picture taped on the mirror of a girl’s titties and midriff showing. He had his whole set up on the vanity table. He had a digital scale and beam. He had a bucket of cut straws for everyone to sniff, because people would test their shit right there. That was a way for him to test if there were undercover cops or not. So we had to sniff a line each of cocaine.

He had empty sandwich bags in the top drawer and cocaine in the middle drawer. It looked like he had a brick of it. He cut a chunk off his brick put it on the scale and wrapped it up for us. In the bottom drawer he had the cooked shit. It was an off white color; it looked like half a bar of “soap”. He had a shit load of crack in the drawer he gave us a whole bar of soap. We paid $1500 for all of it. J.R. put the cocaine in his pants and I put the crack in my pants. I was very nervous to have all that shit on me walking down the street. We didn’t know if there were cops looking out or under covers. I was trying not to make any stupid moves like people did in the movies. It was 9 pm on a week night so we wanted to get home as soon as possible. We went to the Web and broke up the shit so we wouldn’t have a whole lot on us. I’m sure my parents knew that I was home because they could see the garage light on. I hardly ever saw my parents so they were probably happy that I was home and safe.

Two Black Men Nursery Rhyme

2008-08-17T10:55:00.001-07:00

Two short stories about two black men that I know. You don't have to figure anything out, just read it and come up with your own conclusions.

Black man # 1

She met him when I was 16 years old. In line at the grocery store, he thought he was slick, so he paid for her groceries. She was immediately impressed, seeing as money makes the world go round. He told her that he was a millionaire, yet he was driving a Ford Explorer. For some reason she fell right in to his tricks and games. It turned out that he was not a millionaire, surprise, surprise. He lived in an apartment in Culver City, where he hadn't paid the rent for 6 months. He had twin sons who went to Crenshaw high school, and lived with their mother, who had 8 other children and was on welfare. I knew from the beginning that he was a piece of shit, but for some reason she was attracted to him. After he got evicted from his apartment, he lived with us. He didn't work, but he pretended to work. I pulled a knife on him once, because I hated him that much. He tried really hard for me to like him though. We had some good moments, but mostly bad ones.

He taught me how to drive, helped get me my first car. But then he would disappear often. She would drive the streets, in my car, looking for him, because he stole hers. Yeah, he lost his truck too. I think we had some of our worse years ever with him. We were homeless for a month, and then we moved over 30 miles away from everything that I knew and loved. There we were, the three of us, living unhappily ever after. Things became a lot worse, before they got better. When I moved out, that is when the shit really hit the fan. Before I left, one of his sons, who went missing for some months ended up staying with us too. That was around the time his mother died. He got all this money from her death. $67,000. They also sold her house. Turns out his whole family was crazy. His sister was living in her car, because the mother kicked her out. His son went missing, and no one heard from the other son. They were supposed to be scholars or some shit. One went to USC and the other to UC Santa Cruz, they were very smart, but crazy guys.

You see, he had a drinking and drug abuse problem, that he passed on to his children. Me, in my perfect safe world of existence, got exposed to shit that no one should ever have to see or be around. I saw him break shit in our house, and trash everything we owned when he was down. He bought her a $8000 engagement ring, and all these clothes...and she loved it. She is addicted to money, a habit that she developed from being with my father, who always had a lot of money and took care of her, because he is in Health Administration. He worked with doctors and nurses and tried to help find a cure for Sickle Cell anemia. Anyways, I couldn't wait to move out, because I needed to be away from that situation. Like I said, they were all crazy. His entire family, they needed to be on medication. Some mental illness that was passed down from his mother, i don't even remember the name of it. But while his son was there, he would talk to himself, he would talk to the television, all types of crazy shit.

In the end, she moved out...she rushed to live him because he was doing drugs again. The whole family got together to help her out and get her out of that situation. She ended up living in a nicer place with family. So now I found out she has him living there, after 3 years of what we went through to help her out. I can't say that I'm disappointed, or pissed off...because I am so beyond that point in my life right now. But I just don't understand why people go backwards in life. When she is strong and on top of her game, she is the best person to be around, and listen to and get advice from. But when she is with him, she is as low as the dirt under my shoes.

Black man # 2 -

I never understood why women were so attracted to him. He's tall and young, but he doesn't have a job, and has never had a job. He can barely provide for himself let alone his two children from his first girlfriend. He never left the nest, unless there was a woman who would take him in. It seemed like every time he left his mother's house, he would come back with more babies. Now he has 9 children and he's not even 40 years old yet. All of his kids are under the age 18, and he has never been able to provide for them. He is lucky that the family get together to help out his girls. All girls. His parents threatened to kick him out all the time, but they couldn't stand the fact that their grandchildren would be living on the streets. So they let him stay. He sat up there, smoked weed, drank and did nothing, while his children just watched him. He wanted to write, and has it in him, because his father is a writer and a painter. A very talented old man, if I do say so myself.

Yet he never got off his lazy ass to do anything on his own. His father opened up a business, and offered to let him run it. He didn't have a car to get to the business. So his father bought an old car, and fixed it up for him. He couldn't afford the money to get the car running, registration, gas etc...So his mother gave him the money so he could take care of all that stuff. Somehow, he still couldn't make it to work. To a business that was basically handed to him. So his brother opened up a barbershop in the space, and is now very successful. His brother bought the store front next door, and told him, it is yours for a business. Somehow, he couldn't make it there.

Imagine almost 10 years of people helping you out, that wouldn't make you want to get up the courage to do anything on your own, now would it. So finally his parents decide to move, and retire in a smaller community in the desert, so they buy a home and tell their son, to stay there with his daughters, but he has to get a job to pay the mortgage. They told him that they were too old to continue raising his children and him. They had 7 kids of their own, and now it was time for them to worry about themselves. His brother offered him the shop next door again. He told him that it could be a convenient store, and that he would pay for all the merchandise, as long as he was there to run the store. He never went, instead he found himself another woman to lay up under. The house turned to shit, the girls ran wild because they no longer had guidance. The only parents they ever knew left them.

After months of pleading, his mother convinced the other brother to come live there with them, and to pay the mortgage, because they could no longer afford to pay for it, and their new house too. So he did, because he wanted to help out his parents. So he rented out one of his shops to a hair stylist, and he kept his barbershop, and now has a house. He only requested that his brother pay $200 a month for the utilities like, gas, electric and water. His brother was receiving welfare and unemployment checks every month, so he could have easily afforded the $200. If he would have gotten a job, than he could have definitely afforded it.

Six months went by, and he never once paid his brother the $200 a month, so his brother kicked him and his family out. He didn't want to, but everyone was fed up with him not doing anything, and at 36 it was about time he got his act together. It wasn't that he couldn't get a job, he didn't have any felonies or anything like that. He just refused to work. He was used to his parents taking care of him. He ended up living with a girl, and his daughters split up between their mother's house and his sister's house. He was supposed to give them money too, so the girl's could have some money, but of course after another 6 months, he never paid anyone.

He took his girls back, and got an apartment on his own, but after only paying the deposit and 1st month's rent to move in, he was evicted 3 months later. So now, his girls are back living with his parents, in their new house, and he is nowhere to be found.

So, what do you think about these two men? Are they similar or different? Why and How?

That is the end of my two men nursery rhyme.

Last week

2008-08-17T10:06:00.000-07:00

Last week was very shitty... it started out alright but each day got worse and worse.

Sunday- Went to the Angels and Yankees game. Had a BBQ afterwards with some friends

Monday- Regular day

Tuesday- My anniversary day, but also the day I discovered approx: $1500 was taken from my account. This started last week with $12 pending from my account as a Debit purchase from some place called Flying J or some shit. Well I called my bank, who told me they couldn't do anything because the payment was pending. When it finally went through there was $1500 worth of charges. I googled the company and they are a gas company in different states. Someone got a hold of my Mastercard and bought gas cards. The bank filed a claim, all the bullshit they normally do and told me I had to wait until the 19th for anything to be done. I was heated.

Wednesday- I went to the bank in the morning and opened a new account. Also the day that my boyfriend's grandpa passed away.

Thursday- I got sick and I am still sick... with a cold. I haven't been sick in 4 years, but now I am.

That sums up my week in case you were curious.

Chipotle

2008-08-09T15:24:00.000-07:00

So Thursday I traveled beyond my norm...below Wilshire...below Venice to where I used to always hang out...no not in the hood...in Culver City. Don't even ask why I don't like to travel too far into that area, it just brings back some old memories. So anyways, my boyfriend and I got some food, sat outside and ate and people watched. We love to do that. He thinks I'm crazy because I like to make up little back stories for everyone. What can I say, I'm creative.

There is this guy sitting next to us, he was tall, looked creole, he had curly hair, a good looking pretty boy type. And he's with this little fluffy white dog. The dog kept fucking barking, and barking...I love animals, but my dog doesn't bark like that. He is trained. But this dog was going nuts. I guess it was because his owner was inside, the guy's chick.

So she comes out, serving him food, and she even says, "I'm like your waitress." She was loving it. She was darker, with dreadlocks, she looked very earthy in my opinion. Like India Arie, before she cut off all her hair. I'm thinking, why is she with this pretty boy guy, this wanna be guy. This is the story I'm making up, right, but they are completely fitting in to everything that I thought.

He wanted to know what she ordered for him, he complained that she got him pinto beans and not black beans, and he should have gone in there an ordered for himself, etc... The whole time I'm thinking, why is she, a beautiful Nubian princess, even with such an asshole like that. Man, she brought you food, that is what I wanted to tell him. She didn't have to. Because I would have sat outside and watched the dog, while my man ordered for me, and took care of me, like he does. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind cooking for him, serving him and doing things for him, but I like that shit reciprocated.

I don't believe in the one way relationship. That is how people end up getting cheated on. And that is for real. He gets up the nerve to eat the food, I mean shit, she already fucked up his order, meanwhile as she is getting situated with the dog on her lap and making sure he has all the proper hot sauce that he needs, he is so busy checking out every girl that walks by, any girl in his parameter, me included.

Now I wanted to slap him...because his pissy attitude upset me, and he reminded me of my ex-boyfriend, who was a pretty boy too. But you know, I can't get involved in other people's bullshit, I had to learn the hard way. And unfortunately, she is a lot older than I was, when I went through the same shit. Waiting hand and foot for a man. That is out. And I could have possibly imagined the whole thing, because I have that type of imagination. I make something out of nothing...all the time. That is one of my greatest attributes and flaws all in one.

My take on the situation, is that she doesn't think she is worthy enough to find a man that is so into her, he forgets about himself for a minute. A man that stares at her, and not anyone else. A man that will kiss her feet and lay out rose petals on the ground she walks in. A man she can respect and look to for business and financial advice because he has his shit together. That is the type of man that she needs to know she is worth. Not some fucking pretty boy who can't even afford shoes better than some old ass dingy whitish/yellow Adidas. Ha!

I love my man

Holla!

Bernie Mac dies at 50

2008-08-09T10:17:00.000-07:00

Comedian Bernie Mac died this morning in a Chicago hospital

By Kelley L. Carter and Glenn Jeffers |Tribune reporters

9:43 AM CDT, August 9, 2008

Comedian and actor Bernie Mac (Bob Fila, Chicago Tribune / December 6, 2000)

Comedian and Chicago native Bernie Mac died early Saturday morning from complications due to pneumonia, his publicist confirmed.

Mac, 50, had been hospitalized for about a week at Northwestern Hospital, according to his spokeswoman. A few years ago, Mac disclosed that he suffered from sarcoidosis, a rare autoimmune disease that causes inflammation in tissue, most often in the lungs.

The comic born Bernard Jeffrey McCullough could cut an imposing figure. He stood 6-foot-3, was built like a fullback and carried himself with a bouncer's reticence. But perhaps the strongest weapon in the Chicago comedian's arsenal was that voice, that amalgam of thought and a delivery that could rise like a tidal wave, outpace a Gatling gun and remained, to his last days, loud and unapologetic.

He wasn't scared, he told us time and again, to tell anyone what he thought, to say what others were afraid to say. That fearlessness wasn't always welcome, considering Mac didn't get his big break until his 30s. But when he did, the comic skyrocketed to success in stand-up, television and the big screen.

Mac shared screen time with some of Hollywood's larger-than-life leading men, co-starring with Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Matt Damon in the "Ocean's 11" remake and subsequent sequels.

Most recently, Mac garnered attention for making unsavory comments at a Barack Obama benefit that the presumptive Democratic candidate had to distance himself from.

Growing up on the South Side a hard-core White Sox fan, Mac discovered early on that he wanted to make a go at being a comedian.

Before his 10th birthday, Mac was performing comedy standup, honing his skills on CTA trains and parks before graduating to well-known haunts like the Regal Theater and the Cotton Club. He came to a realization during those first years as a struggling comic: If he could kill in front of a black crowd, he could kill in any crowd.

"Black audiences are hard," he told the New York Times in 2002. "You got to come with a little extra to satisfy them."

He also learned that comedy isn't a lucrative business when you are starting out. During those lean years in the '80s, Mac drove a Wonder Bread delivery truck to pay the bills.

Life changed dramatically for Mac when he was 32. He won the Miller Lite comedy search that year and that performance took him to the standup stage, which ultimately led to regular performances on popular shows like HBO's "Def Comedy Jam."

In a few short years, he was able to put a stamp on this tell-it-like-it-is brand of comedy that audiences had come to know him for. He was a hit on the stage, delivering sordid tales of his early life growing up on Chicago's South Side.

His work hit home to the African American audience -- his aggressive, brash comedy had a down home feel to it, tackling everything from family life to black romantic relationships -- yet Mac was able to cross it over, connecting with a majority entertainment scene.

"When I started in comedy in the clubs in 1977, blacks couldn't do certain clubs -- not because they were segregated. They just didn't want to put the [black comics] out there. In Los Angeles, the clubs would have a black night. People would say, 'Why don't you come by and do something?' I would say, 'I'm a comedian -- don't put a title on me.' Don't limit yourself. How you start is how you finish," he told the Tribune in 2007. "If you let people put tags on you, you'll never be able to remove them. You've got to make people respect you. Respect is bigger than dollars and cents."

Mac got his respect and he gained national attention after his set on HBO's popular late-night series Def Comedy Jam in 1992. Decked out in a pair of jeans with his face illustrated, graffiti-style, on the right pants leg, Mac expounded on one taboo subject after another, from the benefits of snitching to his prowess in the bedroom.

"I ain't scared of you [expletive]!" became his signature tagline.

Many took note of the blue comic's performance, which later led to a bit part in 1992's "Mo' Money," and later an HBO Special, "Midnight Mac."

In 1995, Mac earned a spot in the cult-classic "Friday," and the film helped Mac break out. His portrayal of Pastor Clever was one of the film's highlights, however small it was. He followed it up with bit roles in other films, including "Booty Call," and "Def Jam's: How to Be a Player."

But he wanted more.

Mac sowed the seeds for his success on a cloudy day in North Carolina while taping the 2000 Spike Lee concert film, "The Original Kings of Comedy." There, on a rain-soaked basketball court, buttressed by co-stars Cedric the Entertainer, D.L. Hughley and Steve Harvey, Mac issued a challenge to Hollywood:

"Do I have a television show? Nah," Mac told the cameras. "Why? 'Cause you scared of me, Scared I'm a say something. You [expletive] right. Think I won't say something?!"

A year later, Mac got his chance. "The Bernie Mac Show" debuted on Fox in November 2001, drawing critical acclaim, numerous awards, including two Emmy nominations for Mac and, most important, high ratings. Its premiere episode drew 11.4 million viewers. The second episode, which immediately followed the first, drew 12.4 million.

For the next four years, Mac spoke to the American public--via a break in the fourth wall a la Dobie Gillis--with all the befuddlement of a 40-something taskmaster father lost in a sea of talk therapy and "timeouts." "Now, America," Mac would often begin before going into a rant about undisciplined children, cuddling parents or, one of his favorite topics, the differences between black and white people.

But in 2005, the show went off the air. Several reasons contributed to cancellation: The show's ratings had dropped, Mac was getting more lucrative offers from the movie studios. Before the 2000 concert film, Mac's biggest credit was a recurring role on "Moesha."

But Mac's health was also a factor. In 2004, he halted production on the show while recovering from exhaustion. A year later, he disclosed that he suffered from sarcoidosis, a rare autoimmune disease that causes inflammation in tissue, most often in the lungs.

In spite of that, his star had risen a great deal. In addition to the highly popular "Oceans" films, he co-starred with Ashton Kutcher in a reverse remake of "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner" in 2005.

Last spring, Mac said that he was hanging up his standup career, and instead would focus more on movies. In 2007, he co-starred in "Ocean's Thirteen," "Pride" and had a role in the blockbuster "Transformers."

Scheduled for release is "Soul Men," with Samuel L. Jackson, which will be released this year, and "Old Dogs," with Robin Williams, which is due next year.

Mac is survived by his wife Rhonda McCullough, their daughter, Je'Niece, a son-in-law and a granddaughter, Jasmine.

20 more questions

2008-08-07T20:47:00.000-07:00

So I have 20 more questions for you all....

1. Will gas prices ever go back to normal?
2. What about the job and housing market?
3. Speaking of which, do you think that whomever the next president is, that they will really change things?
4. Do things ever really change?
5. Why do so many of you read my blog, but never post a comment?
6. Why does my dog always stare at me, what is going on in his mind?
7. What do you think would happen if I wasn't around? Nothing? Or something?
8. What are your life's goals and ambitions?
9. Do you feel like you're reaching towards those goals or ambitions?
10. How do you really feel about technology?
11. What makes you a better a person?
12. Will the "east" coast ever speak to the "west" coast again?
13. Can you forgive me?
14. Why does it cost $600 to fly to New York?
15. Will I ever be able to afford to go back?
16. Will I ever see you again?
17. How do you know your purpose here on earth?
18. What is a $ 1 really worth these days?
19. What happened to the youth?
20. Are we still at war? If you're not directly related or correlated with it, do you even notice?

Life

2008-08-05T18:55:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder what one has to do to get sentenced to life in jail. Perhaps if they take a person's life, then that is how they should be treated. An eye for an eye type of deal. Or an attempted murder charge, that is sure to get someone life in prison. What if you didn't do anything? Nothing at all, but yet you just happened to be caught in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Now I can't vouch for total innocence, because hanging out with the wrong type of people will ultimately come back to haunt you. So my cousin, who is currently in his 30's and has been incarcerated for 6 years, is serving a 25 year to LIFE sentence. He was caught in the wrong place at the wrong time, with the wrong people. However, he was the only one that was caught. We write letters to each other from time to time. I send him books, stamps or money, whatever he needs while he's there.

I just wanted to publish a letter that he recently sent me, because I thought it was interesting.

Dear Jill,

Hello cousin. Just go your letter yesterday, so I figured I would get right back at you. As usual I hope all is well. As for me, I'm doing o.k. You said you wanted to "know everything," so I'll fill you in on the differences of where I came from which was "Pelican Bay."

First of all, it's (Pelican Bay) a "level 4" which is a "high security" institution. That means there is very little movement. (Meaning every little thing is controlled) there. You are in your cell just about all day EVERYDAY. Here, it's way different. When I got off the bus this is what I saw. A full field for soccer with "real" soccer goals with nets. Guys playing tennis on a real tennis court. Some dude with a sixties appearance playing an acoustic guitar.

It was like I arrived at a "country club" or something, because all this was foreign to me. Here, they let you out of your cell just about all day. That's the difference between a "level -3 " and a "level - 4."

I'm also taking some college courses for the summer. I'm taking a "self help" course here also on Saturdays and teaching introductory Arabic. Staying busy is the key. You said that I look "very different." Well, I'm going on 35 and I've been down since 2002. I've gained some weight, I'm (200 pounds even) and I've got a few extra muscles :)

Maybe the beard makes me look more older. But sometimes cousin, I can't help but to wear a stressful look because the conditions that I exist in are not normal. However, I will not allow these oppressive conditions to dictate my happiness.

But enough about me, how are you and your dad doing? Have you two made up? I sure do hope so. Now when are you and your boyfriend gonna get married? (The sooner the better) I got a letter from "Dia". She just got married and now lives in Indiana. I'm so happy for her. I hope school is going well for you too. If you can, send me some pics of you. The only one I have is of you with somebody "cut off" on the other side. Any how, I'm gonna sign off for now, I love you so much. Take care and send the fam my love.

The Artist

2008-08-03T13:07:00.000-07:00

Rapper
Singer
Musician
Producer
Its all an art

Writer
Broadcaster
Poet
Story Teller
Its all an art

Director
Photographer
Cinematographer
Its all an art

Artist
Painter
Sculptor
Its all still an art

So what happens when these lives
collide
combine
and intertwine

Are we all just one person
reaching for the same thing
the mic, the pencil, the paintbrush and the camera

Explain how badly we need each other
to complete the photo, the sentence and the lyric

The artist is not only good at their art
but great at all art
you see the world through that lens, that sound, that word

The artist has and will always be an artist who respects all art
so when their powers combine...like captain planet
you get the perfect beat
the best verse
the most complex protagonist
and the greatest piece of art ever seen by the naked eye

The artist is the shit and can't be touched

Love Lessons : 1 & 4

2008-08-03T08:43:00.000-07:00

Part 1 - First Love

I think many people confuse their first love, with being their true love. In my case, there is 10 year difference in my age between the two. When you're young, and you first fall in love, you don't know what do with yourself. You loose all control. My first boyfriend was my friend's cousin. He was 3 1/2 years older than us and I would go to her house every day just to see him. We talked for 4 months before we even started dating, which is good, because I like to take things slow. Everything was so fresh and new and exciting. We didn't have money to go out and do things, there were school dances, and parties. We went ice skating every Saturday, it was only $8 then, lord only knows how much it costs now. We went to the movies, only $3.75 per ticket. We just wanted to spend time together. It was cute, innocent love. I remember when we first held hands, I was so nervous. But all of those good and new feelings can be confusing when you're young. I didn't even know what love was.

But all I knew was that I wanted to be on the phone with him and talk to him if I couldn't see him. He was dealing with things in his home life, that was far beyond my current level of maturity. Both of his parents were raging alcoholics. His father abused his mother, so she left him. His father would verbally abuse him, I don't know if he ever laid hands on him, but I know that when he was in one of his drunken fits he would yell at him for no reason. When you're young and in love, you don't see things like that. You don't realize the pain another person is going to. I call the first love, a selfish love. At least for me it was. I didn't fully love my self yet, how could I, I was only 14. We dated for almost 2 years. His family moved him to Idaho, to stay with his other aunt and to finish high school.

Long distance for 2 months worked out alright, or at least I thought it did. When he came back, he broke up with me. He told me that he was no longer in love with me, and that it was time for him to start taking care of himself. See, he had taken care of his father and his family this whole time. He was not in the position to take care of me too. He graduated high school in Idaho, moved back, and got an apartment with his cousins. Of course I didn't understand, ugh, and I did the most embarrassing thing possible. Something I advise no women to ever do. I walked to the park where he was playing basketball with his friends, and sat there and cried. I looked like such a fool. Such an idiot. But that is the price you pay for love sometimes. I don't think I have ever been that heartbroken before. My heart was still weak then, still new to love then. I cried for a month straight. I think I was an outlet for him. He needed some escape from his personal life, and I was there..for 2 years. But when he moved away, and got his head cleared and looked inside himself, he realized that he didn't need me anymore. Which is fine, I helped him through some difficult times. My mother would make him dinner, because he couldn't get it at home. I was apart of his life to be there when he cried and when he couldn't stand being at home or with his family constantly nagging. The perfect escape route.

And whenever I wanted to hang out with my friend, he would be there. Talk about stabbing yourself in the eye. He started dating some old girls from his college, and I would just talk to random guys and that was it. I realize now that we could have never worked out. Not only were we too young to declare ourselves to one another, but we didn't have a full understanding of life. Love swings one way, but life comes through and blows it the other way.

From that relationship, I learned to be unselfish in my love. I learned that I can't just think about myself all the time, and that I had to consider what other people were going through. When he broke up with me, all I could think about was myself. How could he do that to me? Forget that fact that he was struggling with himself to become a man, to step up to the plate, and take care of his family. Last I heard about him, is that he is married and has a family.

Part 4 - The Soulmate

The soul oh the soul....how can someone define it. Is it just there in our minds, to make us feel better about life? The soul, according to many religious beliefs, is the self-aware essence, or consciousness, unique to a particular living being, defined as one being independent of the substance and that it survives the death of the body. The soul has no true substance or being.

Other philosophies say that there is no such thing as a soul, and that it is made up to further classify someone. Somehow this theory of a soulmate came about, and there are many reasons and beliefs behind it. There is a myth that people originally had four legs, four arms and two heads, but Zeus divided that person, leaving their souls to search for their "other half" Another theory that I read, is that God created androgynous souls, equally male and female. The souls split into separate genders later, perhaps because they incurred karma while playing around on the earth, or "separation from God". Over countless reincarnations, each half seeks the other. When all karmic debt is purged, the two will fuse back together and return to the ultimate.

I don't know if the term soulmate is correct, but I think that # 4 and I were destined to be together. After the abusive relationship, I had to find love in myself as well as strength. All of the men I met up until that point, were weaker, at least in my eyes. So while on vacation in the Dominican Republic, completely oblivious from the world around me, I met him. Neither one of us were supposed to be on that trip. He was supposed to go in February, but couldn't, so instead he came later with his family. And I was supposed to go to Aruba, but couldn't because I was started school in the fall. I was fresh from a relationship, wounded, hurt and of course the most hated term for females...vulnerable. What did you think would happen? I meet a man, who is not only strong physically, but mentally. He was secure with himself, and I hadn't reached that point in my life yet.

I was 18 and he was 25. I like to blame my aunt for pushing us together, but I know that there was a strong attraction from the beginning. We only had 3 days to spend together, because we met on a Wednesday, and our flights went back on that Saturday. I figured that it would be a once and a lifetime thing. I have met guys on vacation before, and it never developed in to anything. But when I got home and checked my emails, he already sent me a message.

The only problem with us being able to see each other again, was about 3,000 miles of distance. He lived in New York, I'm here in Cali. He came out to visit me that Labor Day weekend, and we started dating. 6 months of a long distance relationship, where we only saw each other maybe 4 or 5 times. And then he moved out here. My friends thought that he was crazy. They thought I was dealing with another psycho boyfriend. But things were a lot different. I was in college, and he had already finished school. We didn't have any petty bullshit to deal with, from people talking at our schools. Everything seemed to happen so fast, that now I turn around and we are only a week or so away from our 6 year anniversary.

I don't even know if I can describe our love to people, because we are so connected in different ways. We are not perfect, by far, we are completely opposite in every way possible. Completely opposite. Our love of music, connects us, our feelings about other people are different but they connect us. Our feelings for each other, are the strongest that one could have.

So how could I have grown? I learned to love myself in this relationship, more than the others, because I had someone who loved me for me. He unselfishly gave his heart to me, and accepts me for who I am. I've had to grow and mature not only in college, but with him. I know people think that you can loose yourself while being with someone else, but I don't think I lost myself. I had to look deep inside to find who I am. And I am still a different person than he is. In my past relationship I lost connection with the outside world, and in this relationship I chose to loose connection for a while.

Being saturated with the outside world is both healthy and unhealthy. You can't find love in a room full of people. Your soulmate is not lurking in bars, night clubs or even street corners. Your true soulmate is yourself. Reach all the way down, in to the inner depths of yourself and you will find it. Because my self esteem was shot to hell from the previous relationships, I would stare in the mirror to accept myself. And now I can't stop staring. I love myself, with or without my current boyfriend. But he loves me too. And I love him. I had to help him love himself to. Our love not only comforted us, but repaired some wounds we've been licking for quite awhile.

So why all of this? Why am I going so far to get my lessons out there? I think because in the end you start thinking about the beginning. It is the end, of my love in the relationship sense, because I am going to marry this person. But my love will continue to evolve, as i have children, as I write more and have books published, those will become my loves too. As we embark on business adventures and investments together, my love will continue to grow. The sky is the limit on love. And i want people to know that I am not just some silly girl in a relationship that is not going anywhere. And although people are pressuring us to get married, and have some phenomenal wedding, we have other goals and plans in mind for the moment. You only live once, and you only can love yourself once.

Do I recommend stop searching for love? Not everyone can be as successful in relationship lessons...but I say if you can learn a lesson, and not repeat it then you are the most brilliant person alive. And I do think of myself as being pretty brilliant.

MUAH!

Savvy Gal Spotlight: How to Handle Rejection

2008-08-03T00:25:00.000-07:00

By Jillian Ballard

Friday, August 1, 2008 7:37 AM PDT

Have you ever heard of the term "fear of rejection?" You may have felt this way many times before. Whether you're waiting on a life changing decision or if you finally got up enough nerve to ask someone out, the word NO is not something people want to hear.

However, rejection is unfortunately a part of life, and dealing with it head on will help prepare you for the next time it rears its ugly head. People deal with rejection in different ways, turning to other outlets such as shopping, drinking, partying or overworking. There are healthier ways to handle it and to possibly prevent the feelings of anger, fear and/or sadness.

The actual fear of rejection may also be a fear of losing control. People who are used to controlling every aspect of their life will have fear when facing judgment or a major decision has to be made by someone else, which could lead to rejection. One of the most important things to remember before facing a possible rejection is to remain positive and do not beat yourself up. Rejection can be used as a learning experience. No matter what the situation is, you can always learn from it.

Read more here:

http://thesavvygal.com/articles/2008/08/01/savvy_gal_spotlight/52spotlight.txt

And yes...I wrote this :)

United States Government Apologizes For Slavery?

2008-07-31T07:22:00.001-07:00

Anthony Springer Jr

After 400 years of slavery and decades of Jim Crow, the United States government is making moves to apologize to African Americans for past injustices.

Rep. Steve Cohen, a white law maker representing a majority black district introduced H.Res. 194 introduced the non binding measure, which will come up for a vote today.

Several states have apologized for slavery, but if Cohen's measure passes, it will be the first time the federal government has acknowledge slavery and Jim Crow and its effects on the black community.

"African-Americans continue to suffer from the consequences of slavery and Jim Crow -- long after both systems were formally abolished -- through enormous damage and loss, both tangible and intangible, including the loss of human dignity and liberty, the frustration of careers and professional lives, and the long-term loss of income and opportunity," H.Res. 194 says.

According to a CNN report, the resolution does not address reparations for blacks, a hotly contested issue in recent years.

http://www.hiphopdx.com/index/news/id.7411/title.united-states-government-apologizes-for-slavery

Quakes

2008-07-29T20:49:00.000-07:00

Today there was a minor shake up in Southern California. A reported 5.8 magnitude centered in Chino Hills. In Los Angeles, depending on where people were located, it either felt strong, or very weak. I was at work, preparing to go to lunch when the quake hit. People panicked, scattered under the desks to cover their heads and screamed as the lights on the ceiling swayed back and forth. Our building is set on rollers, so when a minor earthquake hits, things won't fall because it is more like a rolling motion instead of a violent shake. Anyways, when the quake was happening and once it was over all I could do was laugh. I am not afraid of earthquakes, like many people are.

When I was 9, the Northridge earthquake struck in January, a magnitude 6.7 on the Richter scale. Everything in our house fell, gas pipes broke, our chimney cracked...everything broke during that quake. I was so terrified, that I packed all my toys, some juice boxes, my flashlight and anything else I could think of in my backpack. I wore that backpack everywhere, because I was so afraid of things happening. I wanted to be prepared and ready in case there was another one. There were several aftershocks after it happened, and I was out the door each time.

However, my fear of earthquakes subsided when my parents separated that same year. I blamed the earthquake. I thought that it rattled my family and shook up our house so much that it made my mother want to leave my father. Little did I know they were already fighting way before the quake came. As a matter of fact, my father was sleeping on the couch and I slept in the bed with my mother the night the quake came. But when you're 9, I was actually 10 when they separated, the quake was in January, and my birthday is in April. When you're 10, things that happen in life don't make much sense yet. I was so mad at the earthquake, and mad at myself for being afraid of it. All it did was tear my family apart.

From then on, I stopped being afraid of earthquakes. I face them with laughter, and no fear. I don't understand how people can be afraid of things that are out of their control. I was afraid of loosing my dad, and my mom. I was more afraid of loosing my toys, but I was only 10. I was afraid of loosing my dogs, because if they split then I thought all of my things would split to. Of course, that is what happened, but I was more afraid of the unknown, then I was the earthquake at that point. My life took a turn, and to this day I have not been able to keep the same father-daughter relationship with my dad that I had as a child. I can never look at my mother the same again, for not wanting to try to make things work out between them.

So here we are, 14 years later and I am no longer afraid of earthquakes. I got over all of those fears I had about my parents so why not get over a little tremble. Because my life was far more shaken up than any earthquake could do to me. And I honestly mean that...