On Wednesday I went to church with Ernie and my dad. Going back to church had to be the hardest thing that I have done. I was so afraid. Afraid of judgment, but from whom, and afraid to admit to myself that all along I just needed God in my life. Fear is apart of everyone's life, especially my own. As a child I was afraid of spiders, and the dark. I still am...afraid of the unknown. I was afraid to turn 25, which I conquered by the way...I conquered it crying the whole day. I'm so pathetic sometimes. I had to come to the realization that although I had plans for my life, not everything works out as planned. I am learning. I am trying.
So at church there was a guest speaker, author of No Matter What, Lisa Nichols. She started by asking the congregation, "What happens when failure is removed from the picture? When you can't fail?" I have been afraid of failing my whole life. Admitting my fears is the first step to overcoming them, that is my story and I'm sticking to it. I am admitting my faults and fears to move on from them. Lisa Nichols said that, no matter what you have to go for yours and go after what you really want in life. See the problem was that I know what I want from my life, and I'm afraid to go after it because I think I am going to fail.
I had to admit that I'm not happy with my life, or where I am right now. But what exactly is happiness, is happiness being careful in life, and afraid to fail? Is happiness not giving your all because you're afraid of what people will think? Is happiness trying to make other people happy? All of those things is what I've been doing. I have convinced myself that getting married will make me happy, because others have influenced me to believe so. After being with someone for 7 years, how can he not want to marry you? There must be something wrong with that picture. But the truth is, getting married won't make me any happier, especially since it is something that is forced upon me, because of societal standards. I don't remember the last time I was truly happy in life, in my relationship and with myself. It was probably when I was still in college 3 or 4 years ago. Before getting married became apart of my daily conversation, before writing took a backseat in my daily routine and before I failed at becoming a successful journalist.
I don't know why people become afraid. I feel like it has a lot to do with what we are bombarded with on a daily basis. The media, society and other people. Why do we listen to what others tell us? Why do I? I just want to be happy again, and I don't want to be afraid. So that is why I went to church, I need God to knock the fear out of me. I need direction and guidance in my life. I lost my way after graduation, and although I knew what I wanted to do, I couldn't give it my all, for fear of failing. So what happens when failure is completely removed from the picture? When failure is not an option? Stay tuned....
April 18, 2009
March 28, 2009
25
I will be 25 in less than two weeks and I have gone through my quarter life crisis transformation. I've accepted turning 25 and realized that its not so bad after all. Things could be a lot worse. The only thing that is upsetting me now is having to deal with this pay cut at work. Everyone has to take a 10% pay cut. The only thing that has saved me is the fact that I got a raise in January, so the pay cut won't be soooooo bad. It basically puts me back to where I was before the raise. I was doing so well for the first three months, saving money and not being affected by this economy, but now its come around to bite me in the ass. At least I didn't loose my job so I have to be grateful for that. The thing that pisses me off the most is that I'm taking a pay cut but I have to work the same amount of hours. What's up with that? I can't wait to get my book finished and published so i don't have to work for people anymore.
Things are moving along for me though...I just have to keep the faith. So about turning 25 and accepting it, I decided to not be afraid of getting older. I am embracing getting older and hoping to change my life for the better. I've always been so quick to get older, I think its because i'm an only child. I took on the responsibilities of being an adult at a young age. I loan my mother money to this day...my life is backwards. People go to their parents when they need money or help with things, but mine comes to me. I don't know...When do your parents stop holding parenting over you?
I'm ready to make more money and hustle my book and work on Beat Cartel things...I'm ready to get engaged, plan a wedding and buy a house. Not all this year of course, over time. Because time flies, today i'm 24 and tomorrow I'll be 29. Its not the time to slow down or move backwards in life, Its the time to move forward and embrace aging, change and life.
~ JB
Things are moving along for me though...I just have to keep the faith. So about turning 25 and accepting it, I decided to not be afraid of getting older. I am embracing getting older and hoping to change my life for the better. I've always been so quick to get older, I think its because i'm an only child. I took on the responsibilities of being an adult at a young age. I loan my mother money to this day...my life is backwards. People go to their parents when they need money or help with things, but mine comes to me. I don't know...When do your parents stop holding parenting over you?
I'm ready to make more money and hustle my book and work on Beat Cartel things...I'm ready to get engaged, plan a wedding and buy a house. Not all this year of course, over time. Because time flies, today i'm 24 and tomorrow I'll be 29. Its not the time to slow down or move backwards in life, Its the time to move forward and embrace aging, change and life.
~ JB
March 15, 2009
Everything
I've been sort of busy, working on things for the Beat Cartel. I wrote two press releases, and worked on the media lists. We are sending out information on Tuesday regarding Icadon's new album. I don't know if I've mentioned the Beat Cartel here before, but its my boyfriend E's production company with his brother. I agreed to the do the PR.
I've also been reading about pitching for my book, An American Education. I need to get cracking on finishing it up.
I've been thinking a lot about the plans we make as children. Its just amazing to me how most people don't reach the dreams they thought they would, or live the life they imagined. I'm off to plan B right now, since A didn't work. But as a child, no one tells you that plan A doesn't work. At least no one told me that. My mother always supported me and my dreams. But I guess she didn't want to be discouraging. I'm about to turn 25 in a few weeks, and this is not where I pictured my life. I thought I would be working my way up the editorial ladder at a magazine like Elle or Vogue. Cut throat, I know, was I truly prepared for that life, probably not. But being there was all I ever dreamed of.
Who would have thought that God had other plans for me. And now, I'm writing a book, doing Pr and writing freelance, all with no pay right now. LOL! But I'm still trying to focus. As long as I'm writing, I'm happy.
This brings me to my Biggest Loser update, I've lost 5lbs. since January, when we started it at work. It doesn't seem like much, but if you've seen me, you'd think I was crazy for loosing that 5. We're going on vacation in May and again in July and August, so I want to be in shape, and fit. I thought I wanted to get down to 120lbs, but I would look to sick and emaciated. I won't say what my weight is, I'm trying a little thing called mystery. As I get older, I will probably stop admitted things about myself. Although I like to be an open book, I think it makes others nervous and shy.
That is pretty much every thing that has been going on with me.
Peace
~ JB
I've also been reading about pitching for my book, An American Education. I need to get cracking on finishing it up.
I've been thinking a lot about the plans we make as children. Its just amazing to me how most people don't reach the dreams they thought they would, or live the life they imagined. I'm off to plan B right now, since A didn't work. But as a child, no one tells you that plan A doesn't work. At least no one told me that. My mother always supported me and my dreams. But I guess she didn't want to be discouraging. I'm about to turn 25 in a few weeks, and this is not where I pictured my life. I thought I would be working my way up the editorial ladder at a magazine like Elle or Vogue. Cut throat, I know, was I truly prepared for that life, probably not. But being there was all I ever dreamed of.
Who would have thought that God had other plans for me. And now, I'm writing a book, doing Pr and writing freelance, all with no pay right now. LOL! But I'm still trying to focus. As long as I'm writing, I'm happy.
This brings me to my Biggest Loser update, I've lost 5lbs. since January, when we started it at work. It doesn't seem like much, but if you've seen me, you'd think I was crazy for loosing that 5. We're going on vacation in May and again in July and August, so I want to be in shape, and fit. I thought I wanted to get down to 120lbs, but I would look to sick and emaciated. I won't say what my weight is, I'm trying a little thing called mystery. As I get older, I will probably stop admitted things about myself. Although I like to be an open book, I think it makes others nervous and shy.
That is pretty much every thing that has been going on with me.
Peace
~ JB
March 8, 2009
Standing by her man
When Gina* married Derek* three years ago, everything was great. She found a man who accepted her and her 7 year old daughter. Derek proposed with a three diamond 3 carat engagement ring, "one for me, one for him and one for my daughter." It was too good to be true. Gina moved out of her parent's house, and in to Derek's two bedroom, two bathroom style condo on the beach. "We dated for less than a year before he proposed, I just knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with," Gina said.
Unfortunately Gina was unaware of Derek's financial troubles. She spent most of her twenties paying off her bills and obtaining a credit score over 700. But after marrying Derek, she slowly began to find out that he has a spending problem. "Derek goes golfing every weekend, and it is very expensive. I wish I had the luxury of spending money on outside activities like he does, but in this economy, I'm trying so hard to save." Gina opened up a separate checking account to have part of her paycheck deposited in to every month, and hasn't told Derek. "Every time I get paid, the money is gone. I feel like what am I working for. If my daughter needs something, Derek is there for her, to purchase whatever she needs, but I feel like I have no control over my money or how it is spent."
Last year Derek did the unthinkable. He bought a car without telling Gina. He put the car in her name, using her social security number. "The only reason I found out was because Toyota kept calling me regarding a quote on a Tundra. He still has his Expedition and we're still paying for the Acura. I don't know why he wants to buy another car." The worse part about it, is because his credit is so shitty, everything is under her name. They are married, and have everything joint, so Derek can take advantage of her good credit. "I thought keeping everything together would make it easier. Derek told me it was the best thing for our marriage, to have the money together."
This week Derek and Gina filed for bankruptcy. I asked her what happened, "Our lawyers and financial advisers said this was the best thing for us to do. Apparently Derek was worse off than I thought. He is $90,000 in debt and we can't pay for anything. We have three cars, and all these bills. All of these bills are his bills, not mine. But because we're married, I get dragged down too." Gina is standing by her husband, although she knows it could take 9 to 10 years now-a-days to get out of her situation, there is nothing else she can do. "I rather be there by his side then have him do it without me." A marriage is supposed to be about honesty and having things out in the open. I can't understand why Derek would keep all these secrets from Gina and put her and her daughter at jeopardy. Their Ford Expedition has been taken away and they have to renegotiate their other two car loans. Gina's parents are disappointed and upset, but she is 31 and he is 37, they should have known better right? So how can this situation be avoided in the future. Gina gave Derek an ultimatum. "I told him that this is it, I am by his side this time, but if he doesn't get his act together then I am leaving. My daughter and I will go. I can't be mad at him anymore because I've screamed until I was blue in the face. But this is a lesson learned."
That lesson is to be open about your money in you relationship. If you decide on having a joint account, be sure the bills are paid first, before anything else. This is just the standard rule. E and I know each other's financial situations...we should after 7 years together. We know each other's credit scores and what we can do to improve them and what we have been doing to work on that. We are going to try to purchase a Condo this year, so its important for us to have our finances under control.
In this month's Details, (yes I subscribe to men's publications too) suggest keeping separate accounts. And if you decide on a joint account, keep a separate account for your own expenses. When my parents were married, they had one account for the bills and their own accounts for whatever they wanted. Whether they spent money on me, or gifts for each other or vacations. They were able to work things out, and made sure the bills, mortgage, car notes, etc...were paid. E and I haven't decided what we were going to do, when and if we get married. My total debt is, $2000 while his is much more. I am working to pay off my bills so I can save money. But if we did have a joint account, I would have more money left over each month than he does, and his paycheck is triple mine. I don't think it would work out for us. Now after what happened to my friend Gina, I am very nervous about the whole joint account thing.
~ JB
* These are real people whose names have been changed
Unfortunately Gina was unaware of Derek's financial troubles. She spent most of her twenties paying off her bills and obtaining a credit score over 700. But after marrying Derek, she slowly began to find out that he has a spending problem. "Derek goes golfing every weekend, and it is very expensive. I wish I had the luxury of spending money on outside activities like he does, but in this economy, I'm trying so hard to save." Gina opened up a separate checking account to have part of her paycheck deposited in to every month, and hasn't told Derek. "Every time I get paid, the money is gone. I feel like what am I working for. If my daughter needs something, Derek is there for her, to purchase whatever she needs, but I feel like I have no control over my money or how it is spent."
Last year Derek did the unthinkable. He bought a car without telling Gina. He put the car in her name, using her social security number. "The only reason I found out was because Toyota kept calling me regarding a quote on a Tundra. He still has his Expedition and we're still paying for the Acura. I don't know why he wants to buy another car." The worse part about it, is because his credit is so shitty, everything is under her name. They are married, and have everything joint, so Derek can take advantage of her good credit. "I thought keeping everything together would make it easier. Derek told me it was the best thing for our marriage, to have the money together."
This week Derek and Gina filed for bankruptcy. I asked her what happened, "Our lawyers and financial advisers said this was the best thing for us to do. Apparently Derek was worse off than I thought. He is $90,000 in debt and we can't pay for anything. We have three cars, and all these bills. All of these bills are his bills, not mine. But because we're married, I get dragged down too." Gina is standing by her husband, although she knows it could take 9 to 10 years now-a-days to get out of her situation, there is nothing else she can do. "I rather be there by his side then have him do it without me." A marriage is supposed to be about honesty and having things out in the open. I can't understand why Derek would keep all these secrets from Gina and put her and her daughter at jeopardy. Their Ford Expedition has been taken away and they have to renegotiate their other two car loans. Gina's parents are disappointed and upset, but she is 31 and he is 37, they should have known better right? So how can this situation be avoided in the future. Gina gave Derek an ultimatum. "I told him that this is it, I am by his side this time, but if he doesn't get his act together then I am leaving. My daughter and I will go. I can't be mad at him anymore because I've screamed until I was blue in the face. But this is a lesson learned."
That lesson is to be open about your money in you relationship. If you decide on having a joint account, be sure the bills are paid first, before anything else. This is just the standard rule. E and I know each other's financial situations...we should after 7 years together. We know each other's credit scores and what we can do to improve them and what we have been doing to work on that. We are going to try to purchase a Condo this year, so its important for us to have our finances under control.
In this month's Details, (yes I subscribe to men's publications too) suggest keeping separate accounts. And if you decide on a joint account, keep a separate account for your own expenses. When my parents were married, they had one account for the bills and their own accounts for whatever they wanted. Whether they spent money on me, or gifts for each other or vacations. They were able to work things out, and made sure the bills, mortgage, car notes, etc...were paid. E and I haven't decided what we were going to do, when and if we get married. My total debt is, $2000 while his is much more. I am working to pay off my bills so I can save money. But if we did have a joint account, I would have more money left over each month than he does, and his paycheck is triple mine. I don't think it would work out for us. Now after what happened to my friend Gina, I am very nervous about the whole joint account thing.
~ JB
* These are real people whose names have been changed
February 25, 2009
Happy Birthday Daddy
Today is my dad's birthday...I took him to the airport. He goes to North Carolina every year for his birthday. The last time that I saw him was May 2008 when I was unemployed and I needed to borrow money. So for his birthday present, I finally paid him back, and took him to the airport. It feels very strange when I'm around him now. Because we haven't been apart of each other's lives for a long time. Its not any one's fault in particular, we just fell out of touch. I stopped calling and he stopped calling. When my parents separated in 1996, I went to live with my mom, and after their divorce and custody battles, my mom received full custody. My dad was angry and upset, because of how my mom left him. I was hurt too. I was still young and very much a daddy's girl. His anger towards my mom affected our relationship as well. He was so hurt, that he just moved away. He lived up North and in North Carolina for a while. I didn't see him again until high school.
People think that fathers need to be there when little girls are young, to show them proper love from a man. Its essential for fathers to be apart of young ladies lives for their entire life. The abandonment and the hurt is still there, whether the child is 5, 15 or 25. It doesn't matter. I wish our relationship wasn't the way it is now, I want a relationship with him, but I feel like its too late. It is so hard to just pick up from what, when I was 11. We've talked about this before too...when he left, due to his anger he ruined our relationship as well. I know that I can never get that time back. Daughters need their fathers throughout their whole lives, and don't ever think differently.
And now, when my boyfriend and I talk about marriage plans, I want my father there. I don't want him to not be there. But he knows nothing of my relationship. He barely knows me. I try to tell him everything, but its hard to cram a whole year or two in to random conversations. I really want to wipe the slate clean, and start over again. But I know it won't be easy. I sort of feel like he just wants me to make the first move. To call him and to try to see him, because he gave up a long time ago. And now that I am almost 25, he doesn't feel like I need him in my life. But I do.
I've reached the point where I can't cry about the situation anymore, but I am willing to do whatever I need to do, to make it right. I just would like some sort of cooperation as well.
So, 2 years ago, I started Dear Daddy. Dear Daddy is basically letters written to people's fathers. Originally, it was too hard for me to talk to him, so I would write him letters, explaining how I felt, and how much I was hurt. I focused so much on the pain...those letters took most of my pain away. It was very therapeutic. Then I started thinking about my friends, many of us have daddy issues. Many women, especially black women have daddy issues too. Its hard! Its really hard. I went out to all my friends through e-mail, and asked them to write letters to their daddies. I wanted them to submit a Dear Daddy letter...whether or not they wanted to thank their fathers, or tell them how they felt. The relationship didn't have to be negative, just whatever you wanted to tell him. And then, I thought bigger! I reached out to members of my family, young and old, and asked them to write letters to their fathers. My younger cousins to my grandmother. Whatever they want to tell their fathers, just get it out! Don't hold back, life is too short. But then, I thought....wait this needs to go bigger, wider...well, that is when I had to stop.
Due to my PR job, and the demanding time...my 11 hour days, I couldn't focus anymore on the letters, and I couldn't follow up with people. But now I want to again. I think it would make a great book of published letters. My ideas are copy written and so are my letters and my friend's letters...so don't try to steal my idea, or you will get sued. :)
But I wanted to start a Dear Daddy Letter foundation....For all the soldiers who have died in battle, and their children who may never know them. Or even for the soldiers that are still alive, they can read their children's letters to them in a published book. I'm still working out the kinks...but I don't want my problem with my father to be the end all. I know I am not alone. There are many women and men who have things to say to their fathers that they were never able to say. If you would like more information, send me a message or an e-mail to: jb.roughdraft@gmail.com
~ JB
People think that fathers need to be there when little girls are young, to show them proper love from a man. Its essential for fathers to be apart of young ladies lives for their entire life. The abandonment and the hurt is still there, whether the child is 5, 15 or 25. It doesn't matter. I wish our relationship wasn't the way it is now, I want a relationship with him, but I feel like its too late. It is so hard to just pick up from what, when I was 11. We've talked about this before too...when he left, due to his anger he ruined our relationship as well. I know that I can never get that time back. Daughters need their fathers throughout their whole lives, and don't ever think differently.
And now, when my boyfriend and I talk about marriage plans, I want my father there. I don't want him to not be there. But he knows nothing of my relationship. He barely knows me. I try to tell him everything, but its hard to cram a whole year or two in to random conversations. I really want to wipe the slate clean, and start over again. But I know it won't be easy. I sort of feel like he just wants me to make the first move. To call him and to try to see him, because he gave up a long time ago. And now that I am almost 25, he doesn't feel like I need him in my life. But I do.
I've reached the point where I can't cry about the situation anymore, but I am willing to do whatever I need to do, to make it right. I just would like some sort of cooperation as well.
So, 2 years ago, I started Dear Daddy. Dear Daddy is basically letters written to people's fathers. Originally, it was too hard for me to talk to him, so I would write him letters, explaining how I felt, and how much I was hurt. I focused so much on the pain...those letters took most of my pain away. It was very therapeutic. Then I started thinking about my friends, many of us have daddy issues. Many women, especially black women have daddy issues too. Its hard! Its really hard. I went out to all my friends through e-mail, and asked them to write letters to their daddies. I wanted them to submit a Dear Daddy letter...whether or not they wanted to thank their fathers, or tell them how they felt. The relationship didn't have to be negative, just whatever you wanted to tell him. And then, I thought bigger! I reached out to members of my family, young and old, and asked them to write letters to their fathers. My younger cousins to my grandmother. Whatever they want to tell their fathers, just get it out! Don't hold back, life is too short. But then, I thought....wait this needs to go bigger, wider...well, that is when I had to stop.
Due to my PR job, and the demanding time...my 11 hour days, I couldn't focus anymore on the letters, and I couldn't follow up with people. But now I want to again. I think it would make a great book of published letters. My ideas are copy written and so are my letters and my friend's letters...so don't try to steal my idea, or you will get sued. :)
But I wanted to start a Dear Daddy Letter foundation....For all the soldiers who have died in battle, and their children who may never know them. Or even for the soldiers that are still alive, they can read their children's letters to them in a published book. I'm still working out the kinks...but I don't want my problem with my father to be the end all. I know I am not alone. There are many women and men who have things to say to their fathers that they were never able to say. If you would like more information, send me a message or an e-mail to: jb.roughdraft@gmail.com
~ JB
February 22, 2009
Valentine's Day
We spent Valentine's weekend in San Francisco. It was his first time and my second time visiting. We had fun, it was cold and raining and our plane was delayed 3 hours. But other than that, we got to see the sights, and we just walked around in the cold and in the rain. On Sunday it started pouring, and it didn't stop. My shoes were soaking wet and my socks were soaking through. His pants were drenched. All we could do was laugh. I got sick after wards, but it was worth it. The only good thing about being delayed at the airport, was that we sat at the bar and watched the All Star Game. The West won of course, because everything is better in the West! LOL!
And of course when I got back, everyone asked me, did he propose? Are you guys getting married? No, no and no...not at this time. Its so crazy to have people want you to get married. Sometimes I feel like they want to set me up for failure...or they just want to see what will happen when the time does come. I don't understand why people, co-workers, and ex-co-workers are so concerned with my life. But whatevs...
I did however talk to my father. For the first time since May 2008. He's doing okay....sometimes I find it easier to talk to him then to talk to my mother. I told him about how E and I were talking about marriage, and how he may propose this year. And my dad was so happy and excited. And he gave his blessings and congratulations. He of course wants to speak to E first, which E will do. My dad is from North Carolina, and he's very old skool. He doesn't even think we should be living together without getting married first. And I have to tell him, dad, people are living together and finding out more about each other. If we didn't live together first, we might have gotten married, and separated by now. Living together first saves relationships or breaks them, I believe.
I know that people think I'm too young, I'll be 25 in April, and E will be 33 in November. But I'm always going to be too young, until I'm too old. We're not in a rush either, because it will be 7 years in August. This whole situation confuses me...and on top of my quarter life crisis, its something that I don't need right now. I have my mom telling me we should wait, and I ask her wait until when, and she says to wait 4 more years. So I will be 29 and E will be 37. I don't know what the wait is for...not much will change. And my dad thinks we should do it now. His parents have been waiting for us to get married, because he is the oldest. And everyone around the both of us, peers, co-workers and friends want us to get married now. We just want to do our own thing, which will be the end result any ways.
I just wish people would stop talking to me about it. The only people I'm concerned about is both of our families. I just can't deal with pressure coming from all sides.
San Francisco was nice, but I think when and if we go again, we need better weather to enjoy the scenery. But you can see some of our pictures.
~ JB
February 6, 2009
Absent
Sorry I've been so absent...I have been working on my book a lot...and working on some promotions ideas for the Beat Cartel...and the most exciting, watching the Lakers beat every body they've come in contact with. I love basketball! That has left me no time for my lil' ol' blog. And now I have people texting me asking me where have I been, whats going on....so here I am blogging.
I feel like I have so much to do sometimes and that I can't keep up with any of it. In addition to my 9-5, i'm working on my book, searching for literary agents, and constantly proofreading. I am going to be doing PR for the Beat Cartel...http://beatcartelmusic.com/ and http://www.myspace.com/beatcartel...so be on the look out for press releases soon...can't go in to that because everything is in progress and strictly for the media. And I want to start a foundation. Dear Daddy Letters...I came up with the idea 2 years ago.
Those are all the things I'm working on and working up too making shit happen.
Also E and I have been talking about marriage...the big P- proposal to come...and looking at houses and trying to figure out what we're going to do with ourselves.
I'm getting tired just talking about everything that I'm doing and not having time to work on things is frustrating. So that is why I've been absent, and may be more absent in the future.
Much Love and wish me luck on my endeavors.
~ JB
I feel like I have so much to do sometimes and that I can't keep up with any of it. In addition to my 9-5, i'm working on my book, searching for literary agents, and constantly proofreading. I am going to be doing PR for the Beat Cartel...http://beatcartelmusic.com/ and http://www.myspace.com/beatcartel...so be on the look out for press releases soon...can't go in to that because everything is in progress and strictly for the media. And I want to start a foundation. Dear Daddy Letters...I came up with the idea 2 years ago.
Those are all the things I'm working on and working up too making shit happen.
Also E and I have been talking about marriage...the big P- proposal to come...and looking at houses and trying to figure out what we're going to do with ourselves.
I'm getting tired just talking about everything that I'm doing and not having time to work on things is frustrating. So that is why I've been absent, and may be more absent in the future.
Much Love and wish me luck on my endeavors.
~ JB
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